BY David Michael Conner

September 03 2009 11:00 AM ET

You are a guerrilla marketing genius.
[Laughs]

But
you have to admit that you’re now on the A-list. Where do you have to
go from here? Do you really need to go down on Kate Gosselin to get a
headline?

OK, first of all, let me tell you that I’m flattered that
you think I’m on the A-list, but I’m going to prove you wrong right
now. Just when I was having a moment that I felt like I was on the
A-list because -- you should know -- I am nominated for not one but two Teen
Choice Awards. That’s right, two Teen Choice Awards. And I was feeling
very young and hip and, Oh my gosh, I’m going to run into Miley at the
Teen Choice Awards and I’m going to see the Jonas Brothers and Oh!
They’re my people!
And then I get a call and it turns out that my two
categories that are nominated -- Choice Comedian and Choice TV
(Reality) -- are in the non-televised version of the Teen Choice Awards.

Who
the fuck knew that there were non-televised awards at the Teen Choice
Awards? What the point of that would be, I have no idea. I don’t even
know what website would benefit from the non-televised part of the
Teen Choice Awards. So now I have had to bite and scratch to get two
tickets to go to the Teen Choice Awards -- ʼcause I already picked out the
outfit, which means I’m going, and I have just been told by them that
I’m not even invited by them to attend the ceremony.

What!
Yeah. So I am absolutely on the D-list.

How can you be nominated and not allowed to go?
Yeah,
well, that’s the Teen Choice Awards -- or as I like to call them, the
Schmeen Schmoice Awards. It’s just life slappin’ me in the face one
more time. Just reiterating that I am on the D-list.

Oh, whatever, the Teen Choice Awards don’t matter. Who cares? You have Emmys.
[Laughs] Screw you, Miley! I’m gonna be there and I’m gonna be in the front-fucking-row.

You had better!
You bet I will.

You’ll make it onstage one way or another?
Yeah, I want one of those giant surfboards so it can sit in my garage for the rest of my life.

Maybe you could mount a giant Jesus on it…
Exactly,
then everybody can suck it! You know, if you can get through a gay
wedding in a church in Atlanta, there’s nothing you can’t handle. 


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