have a recapper's ensemble to share with you this
week because Los Angeles is in the middle of a brutal
heat wave and I'm so ecologically conscious
that I don't have air conditioning. This equals me
writing in my underwear. The same ones I told you about last
week. If you're dying to know what they are go
back and read that recap.
ditch my weekly fashion opinions though. Thoughts
don't make me sweat any more than I already do.
Here's what I like this week:
1. We Are The
Superlative Conspiracy. It's a label. Awesome basics.
It's American Apparel-ish without the sexual
harassment. They got stores in big cities. Most of
their stuff doesn't fit me. But I'm going to
lobby for fat sizes.
2. Dutch designer
Frank Tjepkema made a medallion out of a zillion
corporate logos. It's called the "Bling
Bling" and it's incredible. Now you can
see it and buy it at www.tjep.com.
3. I dig Lily
Pulitzer. Everyone who wears it is happy and has money
falling out of their pockets. If you follow them you can
just scoop it up off the ground. Then you go buy your
own Lily Pulitzer outfit and keep the wealth flowing.
for this episode, the commercial that's running right
before it reminding you to watch, has the line "Who
will be Auf'd next?" I like that.
This week I watch
with a group. Of gays. Loud gays. Loud gays eating
cupcakes. Loud gays who support me for breaking up with
Jeffrey Christ. But who don't still have the
love for his freaked-out clothes. I'm alone in
that love. And it has nothing to do with his neck. They also
hate Corky (Vincent) for me too. One of them calls him
"Jeff Conaway," which is mean to poor
Jeff Conaway, whose only crime was not following through
on his Grease heat.
The show begins
and everyone is waking up to another glorious Atlas
New York morning. Kayne The Flaming Lisp is seen
perfecting his Playgirl centerfold pose.
It's demure, though, sheet pulled up over his
nipples like Sarah Jessica Parker always did on Sex and
Next thing you
see is Heidi in a very excellent plaid blouse hinting at
what their next challenge will be: designing an outfit
around one of fashion's hottest accessories. So
it's either going to be baby clothes, jewelry
to accentuate a smug, satisfied sneer or a tiny outfit for
your finger as it goes down your throat.
One more model
gets shown the door in what continues to be Runway's
least compelling other competition, the
not-very-exciting model race to the finish. Seriously,
these are women who are already employed. Getting out
of wearing some piece of crap on national television
doesn't seem like punishment to me. When
Malan's model--who didn't even walk last
week--gets booted she barely seems to care.
It's like, "Yeah, whatever, my agency's
got me booked for tomorrow already anyway."So
va-va-voom-walker Katia stays put. At least she gets
to wear Kayne's not-awful clothes as reward.
With No Talking Car is talking. But here's the
problem with that. They've not given him any
personality yet. Or maybe he doesn't have one.
It's still too early to know. But for now every
not-interesting word he does say just evaporates as
soon as it leaves his mouth. Maybe it's a trick
you learn when you grow up in the ATL.
now--thanks editors!--it's already the
next morning. We're all waking up again in our
beautiful Atlas New York suites, having spent
yesterday waiting around for Heidi, I guess. They've
been given directions to Central Park. Laura Glamour
Mom goes full-tilt Murder, She Wrote and says,
"It's horses." The accessory,
fashion's hottest accessory, is the horse. Of
course--of course it is, Laura. Why simply
everyone is horseback riding these days. You can't
walk outside your apartment door without stepping in
their dung. In fact, I keep my horse inside my
They file out of
Atlas and who's wearing riding pants and jodhpurs?
Laura. She just happened to have those in her suitcase. You
never know when spontaneous equestrian frolicking will
spring itself upon you. A woman needs to be prepared.
And she is.
In Central Park
they meet Tim Gunn, who's attached to multiple
leashes, each one bearing a tiny little dog. So settle
in and get ready for an hour of adorable little
doggies doing those cocked-head reaction shots. And
you'd think that Tim walked over the knoll with 13
fire-breathing monsters of the apocalypse for the
reaction quotes it inspires in the designers:
Kayne The Flaming
Lisp: "I was just like 'Oh my God, am I
"It was unbelievable to see Tim with all those
it's dogs! Everyone go nuts! Dogs! Can you EVEN
BELIEVE IT?! IT'S DOGS!!
Everyone has to
pick a dog to work with. Laura makes a face. She hates
dogs. She already has five filthy children at home. She
doesn't want a dog. I can respect that. And I
also think she wishes that Misty of Chincoteague is
still waiting for her somewhere over that knoll. She wore
her jodhpurs for nothing and now she's mad.
I have to
interrupt this right now to talk about how fashion
cannibalizes itself. Jean-Paul Gaultier already did
the dressing up women like dogs thing early this year
when the fall collections showed. Just wanted to say
that Project Runway didn't invent this. Go look it
Heidi's German Pet, picks up a pug. She's
going to lose this challenge because pugs are very
2004. I know this to be a fact; Keith Michael Who Is
Such A Pain That Tim Gunn Is No Longer Going to Fight
Michael Kors Over Him And Besides Michael Kors is Missing
Again Anyway picks a dog, breed unknown to me, that
looks skinny and stuck up. Like Keith Michael; Alison
Supernicesupercute is so super nice and super cute
that she willingly trades dogs with Bradley, taking his
poodle in return for a scruffy little mutt that looks
exactly like Bradley; and Laura takes the Mr.
Winkle-ish dog because no one else wanted it. She puts it
in a bag so she won't have to touch it. I would do
the same thing. Dogs eat their own poop. You want that
kissing you on the lips?
The designers are
encouraged to think narratively about their dog, to
include their dog in a story about their outfit and their
model. This is the sort of stupid that Angela the Yves
Saint Laurent Copier eats up with a big spoon. She
immediately begins constructing a narrative about a
British headmistress of a French art camp. The camp is named
Yes, she said
that the camp is named Jubilee Jumbles. I blipped my TiVo
back about five times because I had to wrap my mind around
the Jean Teasdale-ness of that one. Meanwhile
Angela's dog is my favorite of the batch
because it looks like a very small Chewbacca.
Keith Michael is
upset. He thinks designing for a dog is stupid. And
he's right. It is. Cut to Robert Gay Arms
wrestling with his dog because it won't pose
for a picture. And the dog seems to be winning. Those
triceps aren't helping you now, are they? Cut
to Corky putting something on his dog's head.
Someone find that man a tiny wicker basket so he can get
started. Michael Knight's dog sleeps while he
sketches. That settles it. Even dogs are bored by him.
Time to shop at
Mood. Kayne goes on and on about the "gorrrrgeous
Missoni print" he's found. Now, I
don't know everything about how the fabric
world does its business. In fact I know nothing. But
here's what I do know: I've never seen a
real Missoni anything that looks like this
print, nice though it may be. And furthermore, it seems to
me that a major design house like Missoni
wouldn't just be throwing bolts of fabric
around for public consumption so that people in Norman,
Oklahoma, can make their own Missoni dresses from a
Butterick pattern. Laura sees Kayne's and
Robert's fabrics and gets back on her imaginary
horse, a very high one. She says,
"Mine's so tasteful compared to you
guys." Robert responds with, "Oh Laura,
always mistaking taste and style." Good one,
Back in the
workroom, Corky is very busy loving his own genius.
"When I get goin' I don't
stop!" he cackles. And cackles. And cackles. Jeffrey
Christ is at his table, egging him on, laughing at him
instead of with him.
Bradley's birthday. And Bradley's having
trouble with his garment. Meaning that he's
scrapped it and is starting over. Jeffrey needlessly
adds, "What if Bradley goes home on his birthday?
That's all I'm saying." You leave
that nice Bradley alone, Jeffrey H. Christ. Keith
Michael worries for Bradley: "If he had just gone
with his vision it still couldn't be any worse
than what Angela did." Again, he's right. Why
am I agreeing with this douchebag so much this week?
badmouths Keith, saying he's becoming mean to people.
Keith, in turn, calls Laura "the bad
mommy." Bradley doesn't want to get
involved. He just wants to turn on, tune out, listen to
freak-folk, maybe hit the bong and finish his blouse.
Time for Tim Gunn
made a boringly basic green dress. Tim's concerned.
"I could whip up a little hoodie or shrug for
it," she says. That's my snowboarding
lady. Go straight for the hoodie. "Katherine,"
Tim says. "Do it."
Keith Michael is
shown lolling around vertically and petulantly as Tim
praises his dress. "It's beautiful and
innovative," says Tim. This clearly makes Keith
Michael upset. Why didn't Tim tell him he was the
greatest genius of fashion design ever in the history of
ready-to-wear? Why? How dare he not lick
Keith's butt every time he walks past. Keith
sighs and rolls his eyes. He's too good for this dumb
We finally see
Angela's insane garment of shiny vest and puffy
balloon skirt. When Tim sees Angela's insane
garment of shiny vest and puffy ballon skirt, with its
collection of fugly rosettes pinned all over it, he
sneers in a concerned way. I have never seen a concerned
sneer before but I think Tim Gunn just invented it. He
gently calls the outfit "over the top."
Then he calls Gloria Estefan, Judy Tenuta and all of the
Fantanas in for a fitting.
More concern when
Tim gets to Bradley. "I don't get it,"
he says. "That top's gotta be
redone." But midnight arrives and Bradley is stuck
roaming around in the gadda-da-vida of his own mind,
top not redone yet. He's thinking he might
forfeit. Thinking of simply making something out of
hemp. Thinking about firing his dealer.It's the next
morning and Katherine is seen curling her eyelashes.
She opens her medicine cabinet and returns the eyelash
curler to its shelf. Inside the cabinet is what
appears to be a lone cigarette and nothing else.
Katherine's morning routine is to curl her
lashes and go.
They meet the
models and bring them to the L'Oreal Paris makeup
room and the Tresemme hair salon, where Robert Gay
Arms tells the stylist that he wants an On a Clear
Day You Can See Forever-bob on his model's
Whoa, Gay Arms!
your chance to decide. What's faggotty-er? Please
check one of the following:
- Lance Bass coming out of the closet.
- Falcon video pack # 69.
- That sentence.
So the models are
in their outfits and the dogs are being fitted and
Keith Michael announces that "my model and my dog are
stunning winners. I'm an excellent
designer." Look, Keith Michael, you'll never
be as rad as Malan, so stop trying to cozy up to me
with your newfound villainy. Does biting his rhyme
Cut to a
commercial where you get to pick who has the cutest dog, all
for a 99-cent text vote. My partner starts dialing but
I stop him. I ain't about to waste a dollar
voting in a cute doggie contest. I always have to play
bad cop in this relationship.
And finally the
outfits. Vera Wang is back to fill in for Michael Kors.
WHERE IS MICHAEL KORS? Nina Garcia is here, thank God. And
so is Ivanka Trump. What is up with all this Trump
bullshit lately? Seriously, stop crapping all over
this show, Trumps!
1. Kayne the
Flaming Lisp takes last season's My Scene Barbie
challenge to heart and sends his Katia hip-shaking
down the boards as a flamboyant chica. Nina digs it.
Heidi's German Pet, takes a serious risk with
print-mixing, a clash of animal spots and swirly
spirals that works perfectly.
3. Robert Gay
Arms turns back the clock for an idea he must have picked
up along the way when he worked for Isaac Mizrahi. Or one he
came up with that Isaac discarded in a Helen Lawson
fit of threatened envy. It's a pink Jackie
Kennedy/cute top day for him.
Supernicesupercute destroys the competition with her
model's poodle hair and sophisticated outfit,
all shiny and white and blasting off into the future.
5. Bradley of The
Cool Sketches sends down his last minute creation, a
seriously rad top that balloons out in weird places.
6. Keith Michael,
Malan's Cut-Rate Heir, has created a gorgeous red
dress with a just-home-from-the-veterinarian collar.
But his dog is essentially nude. Nina glares at Nude
Dog. Keith Michael glares back at Nina. I fantasize
about the dog taking a dump on the runway and then leaping
off the stage to go hump Ivanka Trump's leg.
7. Where is
Bonnie's dress? Why does the camera show it for less
than one second? Which one is Bonnie again?
Katherine's boring green outfit makes the judges
think about how H&M is ruining everything
they've worked so hard for.
9. Michael Knight
With No Talking Car just shuts up and does the work,
making a booty-enhancing brown thing with criss-crossy boob
action. Nina is down with the ATL this week.
continuing his time-warped trip to fashion oblivion, sends
out something he must have designed for the Slaves
of New York collection for Bloomingdales in
1988. It's a black mini-dress over black tights
cut below the knee. His narrative, I'm assuming, is
about the woman who can't think of what to wear
to Andy Warhol's funeral. So she just throws
something on. Takes the dog. Puts a hat on it. The dog tries
to rub the hat off its head. Smart dog.
11. Laura Glamour
Mom is all about the fur trim. She was all about the
fur trim in the first episode, too. Is she already out of
12. Angela feels
proud of her barfy, derivative outfit. The skirt is
particularly hideous. So it's true. Bradley can shit
something out in five minutes that looks better than
anything she does.
Christ makes another cool patchwork of weirdness.
We're still broken up though, so that's
all I care to say about it.
Safe = Kayne,
Jeffrey, Laura, Michael, Bonnie, Robert and Corky.
Obviously they've got something planned for Corky.
There's no other excuse for this.
Winner = Uli, who
says in her best ESL, "I created an outfit for young
hip girl who is not afraid of color. She likes party.
Actually she want partying last night and she got up
at 12 o'clock and now she's meeting her
fabulous girlfriends and they gonna go to lunch and then
they gonna go shopping for more fabulous
"I like your story. It just works for me." Of
course it works for you, Ivanka Trump. It's
They love Keith
Michael's dress but they attack him for not dressing
the dog. Keith Michael attacks back, claiming that he
made a sash for the dog's neck. This makes
Heidi come down to inspect the dog collar-a bracelet,
by the way, taken from the Macy's Accessories Wall
I'm sure, and augmented with a little bit of
fabric. Heidi is pissed.
Bradley's top--Nina calls it
"daring"--but Bradley's dog
won't stop yapping. Heidi gives the dog a
sex-bombish, vampy, "You're being such a
bad boy" scolding, one that she sounds so comfortable
delivering that you'd be forgiven for thinking
she says this to Seal on a regular basis. And oh, hey,
I have a Seal Being Bad story. A friend once tried to
get into a Los Angeles-area parking lot that was blocked by
some jerk's SUV. There were no parking spaces
in the place so this person just decided to parked
their very important SUV in the entrance, making it
impossible for other cars to get in or out of the lot. And
then out of Starbucks walks Seal, gets into the SUV,
blows a kiss from a rose to the people all honking
their horns, and drives away.
Now back to the
They all rag on
Angela about her narrative (the one about the
headmistress of the French art camp) and her outfit.
Especially Heidi, who says, "That's a
hot mama to work with children!" Because no one who
has young children near them gets to be a hot mama except
Heidi. Then she says, "That skirt is
supershort. Belly out, boobies out, dayum!"
Yes, she says,
"Damn!" like "Dah-yum!" Like
hates, hates Angela's outfit. The hate of a thousand
burning suns. The hate that renders her speechless.
The judges agree that they all question
Angela's taste. Right before telling Katherine that
she's the one who's out. Because you can
be outrageously bad but that's still better
than being dull and making Heidi say, "Blah"
about the dress you made.
was great, but Alison got robbed and Keith ends the episode
with this: "I didn't win. That
doesn't make any sense. There wasn't any good
execution on the stage except for mine."
I hear that
someone gets kicked off next week for breaking some rules. I
hope it's not Keith Michael because I want to see him
get into a slap-fight with Heidi or Nina. And then