I'm back with the
same group of gays and straight women as last week to
watch the show. We all still applaud Malan when he pops up
in the credits. A contest has started to decipher the
tattoos on Jeffrey's neck. I've tried and tried and
all I can get is "Detroit." There's small lettering
under Detroit and more big lettering to the left of
Here are some the
best guesses offered by the group:
* "So yesterday,
* other towns in
* the lyrics to
"Baby Got Back"
* "Don't forget
to mention Aaron's wallet this week." (Which prompts a
discussion about Aaron's Assume Vivid Astro Focus wallet.
People want to see it and play with the Velcro and learn
about the wallet's spending adventures. Oh, yes,
there's a Velcro closure. This is a no-fear wallet.)
Oh, and by the
way, the answer to last week's quiz is, as you may have
guessed, the statement made by Robert Gay Arms about On a
Clear Day You Can See Forever. He's got a lot
of gay in him--more than a Falcon video, which
occasionally feature gay-for-pay performers, and
clearly more than Lance Bass, who described himself in
his People coming-out interview as a "SAG: a
Yes, he really
I'm going to let
go of the part where I tell you what I'm wearing because
it's embarrassing. Last week I was in my underwear. Right
now it's blue plaid pajama bottoms and an Avon Breast
Cancer Walk T-shirt. And I've got gross zit cream on
my face. I'm not ready for anyone's runway. But I
promise that if I end up wearing something awesome while I
write, I'll bring it up.
I do, however,
maintain rigorously correct opinions about everything
fashion, and here are this week's selections:
1. My friend
Shannon is wearing an outstanding June Cleaver dress by
Isaac Mizrahi for Target while we watch the show. It's
flowery all over, and she's taken the crinoline out to
make the skirt less poofy. She brought homemade cheese
scones for the group.
2. I saw this
really perfect gown by Rodarte in one of the magazines
recently. I forget which one. It was floor-to-neck
dress-length vertical ruffle, so the model looked like
a very pretty accordion.
3. Check out page
98 of the latest issue Tokion magazine and groove to
the girl wearing the wicker cardigan by Belgian
designer Walter Van Beirendonck. Wicker.
Bonnie Who Outfitted Serena Williams Whether Anyone Liked It
or Not, and Uli, Heidi's German Pet, wake up, and Uli
immediately begins dissing Angela, the YSL Copier.
That's what's so admirable about Germans: They make
every minute of the day count. Cut to Angela wearing what
appears to be a saggy, flowery, adult diaper. Is
Depends making skirts now? She probably thinks she's
daring like Bjork.
Cut to Jeffrey
Christ, who says that he's feeling misunderstood. Join the
club, Jeffrey, you've inspired a contest in a house of
people who don't understand a thing about your neck.
Jeffrey understands Keith Michael Who's Winning More
Enemies Than Friends Lately, though. He says that
Keith's "greatest attribute is that he's a fine, fine
Cut to the
runway. Heidi is explaining this week's challenge. Design an
outfit for INC. INC is Macy's store line. Macy's is the big
sponsor of the show. Part of the deal is some free
labor. Anyway, have you ever seen INC clothes? They're
pretty lame most of the time, so it's bread and butter
for Macy's. Jeffrey nods his head happily. Why is he doing
that? Does this sound like good news to him? He makes
clothes that look like someone just set them on fire.
Not that that's a problem for me. I think his stuff is
good. But none of his ideas are going to fly with INC. Cut
to a very happy Kayne the Flaming Lisp.
He's been dipping
into the absent Michael Kors's jar of orange. Loved you
in Drop Dead Fred, man.
Keith's model. Yeah! Go Germany! Not that it matters.
Keith's not going to need that model, or any model,
wink, wink. Some other models get shuffled around. Who
Mehmet Tangoren, who works for INC. I forget his title.
He does important things. Mehmet talks a little about the
INC customer, my additions in brackets because he
forgot some important details: "She's really ageless
[old]. She's fashion forward [for Macy's]. She reads
all the magazines [Good Housekeeping] and she
wants the hot new looks [as long as they're the same as the
OK, I just got a
TiVo freeze-frame of the word "Harrison" on Jeffrey's
neck. Harrison Detroit. Is that his kid's name? Wait till
that kid turns 13 and never lets his friends see you,
J.C. You'll be off to Dr. Laser Tattoo Removal so fast
it'll make your head spin.
"Just bear in mind INC is our largest brand nationally
[think lowest common denominator]. It is the biggest
business for us in ready-to-wear."
So think dull,
designers. Ready? Go.
Tim Gunn tells
them they'll be working in teams of three. The drums that
usually announce "you're out" start playing. This is because
everyone's afraid of being on a team with Corky [Vincent,
for you first-time readers] or Angela. They all have
30 minutes to sketch and then they'll present their
ideas to Mehmet, who will in turn select team leaders
with, I'm guessing, a little help from the producers, who
will make Angela one of the leaders in the hopes of
starting workroom smack-downs.
time, Kayne decides to become Dolly Parton for a moment.
"I love color. I'm from the South," he announces with an
Well, check it,
Kayne, I'm from Texas and we think you Okies are morons.
How do you like me now? But seriously, why is it that
my fellow Southerners think that people from the South
are a unique brand of human being? Oh, you like
colors? You must be from the South. Everyone in
Pennsylvania hates blue. This is a fact. Only Southern
people can truly understand color like that. This is
what happens when you hold Steel Magnolias a little
too closely to your heart.
Corky says that
he hears gray is going to replace brown. Mehmet listens
to him, fascinated by the lunacy, his head cocked like last
week's dogs in a bemused expression of "me no
understand you at all."
her dorky sketch, which she says was inspired by the
Empire State Building. The woman in the sketch has squiggly
slinky toys sticking out of the shirt's
sleeves--because that was Mehmet's other,
off-camera explanation of the INC customer: She has springs
the team leaders, and what do you know, one of them
is Angela. The others are Robert Gay Arms, Bonnie, and
Keith. The second Mehmet chooses Angela, the camera
cuts to Uli looking nervous, like the universe heard
her dissing Angela earlier and it's about to be payback
time. Cut to Jeffrey dissing Angela.
Time for a Tim
Gunn for Saturn commercial. Except it's New York, and you
know he doesn't drive anywhere, ever. He goes to the
Cloisters because it has grass and trees and art. Next
week? Off to the Piers, where he's learned to say
"make it work" in Spanish. Just kidding, Tim Gunn. You
know I love you. In fact, everyone in this room of watchers
loves you, and we stop the TiVo for a second for an
instant poll to find out how deep that love goes. And
by that I mean we separate the men from the boys and
determine who would really want to get naked with you versus
who just likes you as a friend and television
personality. And you come out a winner, so feel good
Back to the show:
Michael Knight With No Talking Car and Laura Glamour Mom.
Neither of them are happy about this. Cut to Michael doing
an impersonation of Heidi's "damn" from last week:
"day-yum," he says, in what may be the first shred of
personality we've seen from him. Laura just keeps it
all in, her face fixed in a stern "I've got five kids,
and you won't break me" expression.
Kayne and Corky. Cut to Robert saying, "I think that the
idea of having my clothes in a Macy's is kind of great
because it reaches such a wide audience."
Has a bigger lie
been told so far this season? Seriously, look at his
dead-soul eyes when he says this. He can barely mask his
disdain and boredom. You know he never sets foot in
Macy's. I wouldn't be surprised if he intentionally
throws this challenge just to avoid the gay shame of
it. Angela explains her Empire State Building design to her
team. She loves to talk about her Empire State
They're given a
hundred measly bucks for fabric and sent to Mood. Oh, why
not? INC is all cheap shit anyway. Just get some Dacron and
get to work. Use the change to get lunch at Olive
At Mood, Michael
presents a pink zigzaggy fabric to Angela that looks
about 1,000% more Missoni than Kayne's "Missoni" fabric from
last week. Angela shouts, "It looks like the Empire
State Building," and hugs a freaked-out Michael. Laura
approves of the fabrics. "It's more appropriate than
the full-tilt boogie Angela-quilted extravaganza of
poof," she says. Our watching crowd enjoys this line so much
we rewind TiVo several times to savor it and vote on
Glamour Mom as our favorite person this week. Except
me; I dig Laura, but I'm now the president of the
Bradley Fan Club. He's currently being barked at by
Bonnie. "Get on those pants, Brad-lay." Cut to Bradley
staring off into space. Then cut to Bradley wondering
if Bonnie doesn't like him because of his beard.
And now it's time
to interrupt the show for Keith Michael rule-breaking.
First we hear a variety of people say vaguely negative
things about Keith. Then we see Keith lounging on his
back while his team members Alison Supernice Supercute
and Jeffrey do all the work. Keith shows off his white
boots for the camera. This is my favorite shot of the
episode so far, those white boots. Because you have
to have cast-iron balls to be a nonfemale and
wear white boots. So he gets some points for that.
Cut to Atlas,
where Kayne is dressed in a bright orange T-shirt and
matching bright orange shorts. If he stood in front of an
orange screen, he'd disappear. Except for the teeth.
Kayne says to Corky, "I saw some pattern-making books
in Keith's room." Where, Kayne? Under his mattress? In
his sock drawer? In the closet behind the white boots that
you were jonesing for and went, "Oh, I'll just try them on
for a second while Keith's in the shower"? Why were
you even in his room?
Cut to Keith
lying on his bed, rolling his eyes at no one in particular.
He's just practicing his put-upon look. Cut to Robert
talking to Michael and Kayne about the rule violation.
Robert is wearing a white tank top for maximum arm
display. There's a microphone taped to his chest. It
looks like a giant third nipple. Or maybe a shunt to drain
off the excess gay.
Cut to Tim Gunn,
being sadly official: "Kayne [tattled to] the
producers." Then the producers told Tim, and now Tim has to
lay the hammer down. He asks Keith to leave. Cut to
Keith's interview, where he says, "I didn't expect
this." This is because hot people coast through life
doing what they want with no repercussions. Then he says
he's being scapegoated. Guess what, homo, scapegoats are
usually innocent. That's in the dictionary and
everything. So strike 2. Then he says, "I had a lot of
other tricks up my sleeve still." Like the one where
he was going to use Malan's patent-pending shrink ray to
make Alexander McQueen three inches tall so he could
carry him around hostage in his pants pocket and
demand design ideas in exchange for a future return to
normal size. Or the one where he pulls of the latex mask and
is revealed to be Wendy Pepper. So many awesome tricks
we're going to miss now. Thanks, Kayne.
It's supposed to
be the next day. And maybe it is. But if it is, why is
Alison still wearing the goth macrame Morticia Addams
top she had on earlier? What day is this, really?
Who's editing this show?
Tim Gunn comes in
and tells everyone about Keith. "I know this is
undoubtedly shaking all of you up." Cut to open-mouthed
Angela. Then cut to Laura saying, "Keith. What an
asshole. I'm glad to see him gone." So maybe "all of
you" wasn't totally right. Alison weeps a little,
earning her superniceness once again.
And it's back to
work. Bradley is having trouble with Bonnie's pants.
"I'm a fish out of water," he says. He means Phish, of
course. Then he goes on: "I'm a squid with no ocean.
I'm an eagle with no sky." I would add "a bong with no
water," but I don't want to accuse anyone of using
illicit drugs and risk seeing them ejected and sent to
live in whatever holding bay they've got Keith and Malan
until the shoot is over.
We see Angela in
her crappy plaid hat, the same one she had on last week,
and she's making--what else does she
make?--rosettes. If rosettes contained
nutrients, she'd eat them three meals a day.
Laura to Michael:
She's in there making her grandma.
Laura: It's not
funny. It's not funny. We obviously can't stop her from
[continues to laugh]
Laura: You think
it's funny now. Wait till we're standing on that fucking
Do you talk to
your kids that way, Laura? What would Diana Vreeland have
to say about this sailor language, hmm? Anyway, Laura leaps
in and saves the garment by suggesting that the
rosettes could be the buttons on the jacket. This
didn't occur to Angela, who would have been happy to adorn
the jacket and pants with them willy-nilly so that they'd
look more like the Empire State Building, which is
flocked with rosettes. Seriously--come to New
York City, you'll see for yourself.
He calls Robert's
garment "matronly"; he likes Angela's [really Laura's]
rosette buttons; and he calls Bonnie's Bradley-executed
pants "diapery." Quick, get Angela to slap some
rosettes on them and spruce them up. Tim also likes
Jeffrey's belt loops. They are good belt loops. Maybe
I can forgive Jeffrey's "feminazi" statement from the
earlier episode now. He was, after all, saying it
can text-vote on whether or not Keith deserved the boot.
Then Heidi comes out and lets rip the most maniacal
Pillsbury Doughboy laugh I've ever heard. I wonder if
I can make a ring tone out of it?
The judges this
week: Vera Wang. Again. Where is Michael Kors? I want
puffy, orangey Michael Kors back or I'm going on strike
like the writers on America's Next Top Model.
No justice, no peace! Also Nina Garcia and the Mehmet
Angela-Michael-Laura = A little jacket, long-sleeved top,
wide-leg pants. It's fine, nothing mind-blowing, well
put-together and very sellable; safe.
Robert-Kayne-Corky = A baggy white sack of a parka over a
smart black dress with big collar and cuffs. I like
the dress, but it needs some more interesting details
to merit the hoochified Ashley Judd slit up the back
of the skirt.
Bonnie-Bradley-Uli = Bonnie's cute skinny sketches have been
transformed into a gagtastic cowl-necked Shallow Hal fatsuit for Gwyneth Paltrow--a big coat all
cut in half with a belt. It sucks.
Alison-Jeffrey-Keith = A black-and-white lean, modern
turtleneck-tank dress thing over skinny
superfitted pants and a longish jacket. It's way too
modern and awesome for Macy's, but it's the best thing on
Keith's teams are safe. They leave the runway. Now it's time
to rip into the unsafe people. Nina is especially on point
this week, hating everything and saying great stuff
like "Who uses cowls?" and calling everything
boring--being all angry. The only problem here is
that Nina forgot the challenge is for INC. Boring clothes
are what the United States likes best. People
would totally go buy that ugly cowl-neck blouse, and
they'd belt it. And then they'd go to work wearing it
and think they looked good. But no one wants the truth.
Angela can't wait
to talk about the Empire State Building some more when
the judges ask her about the outfit; also her "signature
rosettes," the ones that are going to make her famous. Then
Michael displays the jacket's lining. "See," says
Angela, "the Empire State Building." Oh, Angela, talk
less. Then they leave the runway, and we see the pants
Angela's wearing today. They look like giant cargo
pants with a huge polka-dot patch at the crotch. It's Sid
& Marty Krofft for YSL.
Nina manages to
use the word boring as many times in one minute
as Angela has used "Empire State Building" in the
entire hour. I like that.
percent of text-messagers believe Keith deserved his
dismissal. The other 11% are nuts. I didn't vote because
"Aw, hell, yeah" was not a choice. But I like the
little touch of crowd applause and "woo-hoo" you hear
on the poll commercial.
Corky: not a team
responsible for his own actions; in. The thought bubble
above his head reads, "In what?"
Bonnie, who is
less interesting television than Robert: out. She is seen
weeping a little bit, soon to head back to her job at Nike's
glittering factory of child labor.
Angela wins the
challenge. "It shows my scope," she says. No way, man.
It shows your luck. Alison has been robbed again. Jeffrey
just wants to win one challenge before he's kicked
off. And Keith is busy preparing a press release
declaring his innocence and his new partnership with