I'm back with the same group of gays and straight women as last week to watch the show. We all still applaud Malan when he pops up in the credits. A contest has started to decipher the tattoos on Jeffrey's neck. I've tried and tried and all I can get is "Detroit." There's small lettering under Detroit and more big lettering to the left of Detroit.
Here are some the best guesses offered by the group:
* "So yesterday, so yesterday"
* other towns in Michigan
* the lyrics to "Baby Got Back"
* "Don't forget to mention Aaron's wallet this week." (Which prompts a discussion about Aaron's Assume Vivid Astro Focus wallet. People want to see it and play with the Velcro and learn about the wallet's spending adventures. Oh, yes, there's a Velcro closure. This is a no-fear wallet.)
Oh, and by the way, the answer to last week's quiz is, as you may have guessed, the statement made by Robert Gay Arms about On a Clear Day You Can See Forever. He's got a lot of gay in him--more than a Falcon video, which occasionally feature gay-for-pay performers, and clearly more than Lance Bass, who described himself in his People coming-out interview as a "SAG: a straight-acting gay."
Yes, he really said that.
I'm going to let go of the part where I tell you what I'm wearing because it's embarrassing. Last week I was in my underwear. Right now it's blue plaid pajama bottoms and an Avon Breast Cancer Walk T-shirt. And I've got gross zit cream on my face. I'm not ready for anyone's runway. But I promise that if I end up wearing something awesome while I write, I'll bring it up.
I do, however, maintain rigorously correct opinions about everything fashion, and here are this week's selections:
1. My friend Shannon is wearing an outstanding June Cleaver dress by Isaac Mizrahi for Target while we watch the show. It's flowery all over, and she's taken the crinoline out to make the skirt less poofy. She brought homemade cheese scones for the group.
2. I saw this really perfect gown by Rodarte in one of the magazines recently. I forget which one. It was floor-to-neck dress-length vertical ruffle, so the model looked like a very pretty accordion.
3. Check out page 98 of the latest issue Tokion magazine and groove to the girl wearing the wicker cardigan by Belgian designer Walter Van Beirendonck. Wicker.
OK, the show:
Bonnie Who Outfitted Serena Williams Whether Anyone Liked It or Not, and Uli, Heidi's German Pet, wake up, and Uli immediately begins dissing Angela, the YSL Copier. That's what's so admirable about Germans: They make every minute of the day count. Cut to Angela wearing what appears to be a saggy, flowery, adult diaper. Is Depends making skirts now? She probably thinks she's daring like Bjork.
Cut to Jeffrey Christ, who says that he's feeling misunderstood. Join the club, Jeffrey, you've inspired a contest in a house of people who don't understand a thing about your neck. Jeffrey understands Keith Michael Who's Winning More Enemies Than Friends Lately, though. He says that Keith's "greatest attribute is that he's a fine, fine bullshitter."
Cut to the runway. Heidi is explaining this week's challenge. Design an outfit for INC. INC is Macy's store line. Macy's is the big sponsor of the show. Part of the deal is some free labor. Anyway, have you ever seen INC clothes? They're pretty lame most of the time, so it's bread and butter for Macy's. Jeffrey nods his head happily. Why is he doing that? Does this sound like good news to him? He makes clothes that look like someone just set them on fire. Not that that's a problem for me. I think his stuff is good. But none of his ideas are going to fly with INC. Cut to a very happy Kayne the Flaming Lisp.
He's been dipping into the absent Michael Kors's jar of orange. Loved you in Drop Dead Fred, man.
Model Picking Time:
Uli steals Keith's model. Yeah! Go Germany! Not that it matters. Keith's not going to need that model, or any model, wink, wink. Some other models get shuffled around. Who cares?
Heidi introduces Mehmet Tangoren, who works for INC. I forget his title. He does important things. Mehmet talks a little about the INC customer, my additions in brackets because he forgot some important details: "She's really ageless [old]. She's fashion forward [for Macy's]. She reads all the magazines [Good Housekeeping] and she wants the hot new looks [as long as they're the same as the old looks]."
OK, I just got a TiVo freeze-frame of the word "Harrison" on Jeffrey's neck. Harrison Detroit. Is that his kid's name? Wait till that kid turns 13 and never lets his friends see you, J.C. You'll be off to Dr. Laser Tattoo Removal so fast it'll make your head spin.
Mehmet continues, "Just bear in mind INC is our largest brand nationally [think lowest common denominator]. It is the biggest business for us in ready-to-wear."
So think dull, designers. Ready? Go.
Tim Gunn tells them they'll be working in teams of three. The drums that usually announce "you're out" start playing. This is because everyone's afraid of being on a team with Corky [Vincent, for you first-time readers] or Angela. They all have 30 minutes to sketch and then they'll present their ideas to Mehmet, who will in turn select team leaders with, I'm guessing, a little help from the producers, who will make Angela one of the leaders in the hopes of starting workroom smack-downs.
During pitch time, Kayne decides to become Dolly Parton for a moment. "I love color. I'm from the South," he announces with an eyelash bat.
Well, check it, Kayne, I'm from Texas and we think you Okies are morons. How do you like me now? But seriously, why is it that my fellow Southerners think that people from the South are a unique brand of human being? Oh, you like colors? You must be from the South. Everyone in Pennsylvania hates blue. This is a fact. Only Southern people can truly understand color like that. This is what happens when you hold Steel Magnolias a little too closely to your heart.
Corky says that he hears gray is going to replace brown. Mehmet listens to him, fascinated by the lunacy, his head cocked like last week's dogs in a bemused expression of "me no understand you at all."
Angela presents her dorky sketch, which she says was inspired by the Empire State Building. The woman in the sketch has squiggly slinky toys sticking out of the shirt's sleeves--because that was Mehmet's other, off-camera explanation of the INC customer: She has springs for arms.
Mehmet chooses the team leaders, and what do you know, one of them is Angela. The others are Robert Gay Arms, Bonnie, and Keith. The second Mehmet chooses Angela, the camera cuts to Uli looking nervous, like the universe heard her dissing Angela earlier and it's about to be payback time. Cut to Jeffrey dissing Angela.
Time for a Tim Gunn for Saturn commercial. Except it's New York, and you know he doesn't drive anywhere, ever. He goes to the Cloisters because it has grass and trees and art. Next week? Off to the Piers, where he's learned to say "make it work" in Spanish. Just kidding, Tim Gunn. You know I love you. In fact, everyone in this room of watchers loves you, and we stop the TiVo for a second for an instant poll to find out how deep that love goes. And by that I mean we separate the men from the boys and determine who would really want to get naked with you versus who just likes you as a friend and television personality. And you come out a winner, so feel good about that.
Back to the show:
Angela picks Michael Knight With No Talking Car and Laura Glamour Mom. Neither of them are happy about this. Cut to Michael doing an impersonation of Heidi's "damn" from last week: "day-yum," he says, in what may be the first shred of personality we've seen from him. Laura just keeps it all in, her face fixed in a stern "I've got five kids, and you won't break me" expression.
Robert picks Kayne and Corky. Cut to Robert saying, "I think that the idea of having my clothes in a Macy's is kind of great because it reaches such a wide audience."
Has a bigger lie been told so far this season? Seriously, look at his dead-soul eyes when he says this. He can barely mask his disdain and boredom. You know he never sets foot in Macy's. I wouldn't be surprised if he intentionally throws this challenge just to avoid the gay shame of it. Angela explains her Empire State Building design to her team. She loves to talk about her Empire State Building idea.
They're given a hundred measly bucks for fabric and sent to Mood. Oh, why not? INC is all cheap shit anyway. Just get some Dacron and get to work. Use the change to get lunch at Olive Garden.
At Mood, Michael presents a pink zigzaggy fabric to Angela that looks about 1,000% more Missoni than Kayne's "Missoni" fabric from last week. Angela shouts, "It looks like the Empire State Building," and hugs a freaked-out Michael. Laura approves of the fabrics. "It's more appropriate than the full-tilt boogie Angela-quilted extravaganza of poof," she says. Our watching crowd enjoys this line so much we rewind TiVo several times to savor it and vote on Glamour Mom as our favorite person this week. Except me; I dig Laura, but I'm now the president of the Bradley Fan Club. He's currently being barked at by Bonnie. "Get on those pants, Brad-lay." Cut to Bradley staring off into space. Then cut to Bradley wondering if Bonnie doesn't like him because of his beard.
And now it's time to interrupt the show for Keith Michael rule-breaking. First we hear a variety of people say vaguely negative things about Keith. Then we see Keith lounging on his back while his team members Alison Supernice Supercute and Jeffrey do all the work. Keith shows off his white boots for the camera. This is my favorite shot of the episode so far, those white boots. Because you have to have cast-iron balls to be a nonfemale and wear white boots. So he gets some points for that.
Cut to Atlas, where Kayne is dressed in a bright orange T-shirt and matching bright orange shorts. If he stood in front of an orange screen, he'd disappear. Except for the teeth. Kayne says to Corky, "I saw some pattern-making books in Keith's room." Where, Kayne? Under his mattress? In his sock drawer? In the closet behind the white boots that you were jonesing for and went, "Oh, I'll just try them on for a second while Keith's in the shower"? Why were you even in his room?
Cut to Keith lying on his bed, rolling his eyes at no one in particular. He's just practicing his put-upon look. Cut to Robert talking to Michael and Kayne about the rule violation. Robert is wearing a white tank top for maximum arm display. There's a microphone taped to his chest. It looks like a giant third nipple. Or maybe a shunt to drain off the excess gay.
Cut to Tim Gunn, being sadly official: "Kayne [tattled to] the producers." Then the producers told Tim, and now Tim has to lay the hammer down. He asks Keith to leave. Cut to Keith's interview, where he says, "I didn't expect this." This is because hot people coast through life doing what they want with no repercussions. Then he says he's being scapegoated. Guess what, homo, scapegoats are usually innocent. That's in the dictionary and everything. So strike 2. Then he says, "I had a lot of other tricks up my sleeve still." Like the one where he was going to use Malan's patent-pending shrink ray to make Alexander McQueen three inches tall so he could carry him around hostage in his pants pocket and demand design ideas in exchange for a future return to normal size. Or the one where he pulls of the latex mask and is revealed to be Wendy Pepper. So many awesome tricks we're going to miss now. Thanks, Kayne.
It's supposed to be the next day. And maybe it is. But if it is, why is Alison still wearing the goth macrame Morticia Addams top she had on earlier? What day is this, really? Who's editing this show?
Tim Gunn comes in and tells everyone about Keith. "I know this is undoubtedly shaking all of you up." Cut to open-mouthed Angela. Then cut to Laura saying, "Keith. What an asshole. I'm glad to see him gone." So maybe "all of you" wasn't totally right. Alison weeps a little, earning her superniceness once again.
And it's back to work. Bradley is having trouble with Bonnie's pants. "I'm a fish out of water," he says. He means Phish, of course. Then he goes on: "I'm a squid with no ocean. I'm an eagle with no sky." I would add "a bong with no water," but I don't want to accuse anyone of using illicit drugs and risk seeing them ejected and sent to live in whatever holding bay they've got Keith and Malan until the shoot is over.
We see Angela in her crappy plaid hat, the same one she had on last week, and she's making--what else does she make?--rosettes. If rosettes contained nutrients, she'd eat them three meals a day.
Laura to Michael: She's in there making her grandma.
Michael: [doubles over laughing]
Laura: It's not funny. It's not funny. We obviously can't stop her from hanging herself.
Michael: [continues to laugh]
Laura: You think it's funny now. Wait till we're standing on that fucking runway.
Do you talk to your kids that way, Laura? What would Diana Vreeland have to say about this sailor language, hmm? Anyway, Laura leaps in and saves the garment by suggesting that the rosettes could be the buttons on the jacket. This didn't occur to Angela, who would have been happy to adorn the jacket and pants with them willy-nilly so that they'd look more like the Empire State Building, which is flocked with rosettes. Seriously--come to New York City, you'll see for yourself.
Tim Gunn Inspection Time:
He calls Robert's garment "matronly"; he likes Angela's [really Laura's] rosette buttons; and he calls Bonnie's Bradley-executed pants "diapery." Quick, get Angela to slap some rosettes on them and spruce them up. Tim also likes Jeffrey's belt loops. They are good belt loops. Maybe I can forgive Jeffrey's "feminazi" statement from the earlier episode now. He was, after all, saying it about Angela.
Commercial: You can text-vote on whether or not Keith deserved the boot. Then Heidi comes out and lets rip the most maniacal Pillsbury Doughboy laugh I've ever heard. I wonder if I can make a ring tone out of it?
The judges this week: Vera Wang. Again. Where is Michael Kors? I want puffy, orangey Michael Kors back or I'm going on strike like the writers on America's Next Top Model. No justice, no peace! Also Nina Garcia and the Mehmet INC Guy.
Angela-Michael-Laura = A little jacket, long-sleeved top, wide-leg pants. It's fine, nothing mind-blowing, well put-together and very sellable; safe.
Robert-Kayne-Corky = A baggy white sack of a parka over a smart black dress with big collar and cuffs. I like the dress, but it needs some more interesting details to merit the hoochified Ashley Judd slit up the back of the skirt.
Bonnie-Bradley-Uli = Bonnie's cute skinny sketches have been transformed into a gagtastic cowl-necked Shallow Hal fatsuit for Gwyneth Paltrow--a big coat all cut in half with a belt. It sucks.
Alison-Jeffrey-Keith = A black-and-white lean, modern turtleneck-tank dress thing over skinny superfitted pants and a longish jacket. It's way too modern and awesome for Macy's, but it's the best thing on the runway.
Angela and Keith's teams are safe. They leave the runway. Now it's time to rip into the unsafe people. Nina is especially on point this week, hating everything and saying great stuff like "Who uses cowls?" and calling everything boring--being all angry. The only problem here is that Nina forgot the challenge is for INC. Boring clothes are what the United States likes best. People would totally go buy that ugly cowl-neck blouse, and they'd belt it. And then they'd go to work wearing it and think they looked good. But no one wants the truth.
Angela can't wait to talk about the Empire State Building some more when the judges ask her about the outfit; also her "signature rosettes," the ones that are going to make her famous. Then Michael displays the jacket's lining. "See," says Angela, "the Empire State Building." Oh, Angela, talk less. Then they leave the runway, and we see the pants Angela's wearing today. They look like giant cargo pants with a huge polka-dot patch at the crotch. It's Sid & Marty Krofft for YSL.
Judges chat:
Nina manages to use the word boring as many times in one minute as Angela has used "Empire State Building" in the entire hour. I like that.
Commercial break:
Eighty-nine percent of text-messagers believe Keith deserved his dismissal. The other 11% are nuts. I didn't vote because "Aw, hell, yeah" was not a choice. But I like the little touch of crowd applause and "woo-hoo" you hear on the poll commercial.
You In-You Out time:
Uli has immunity--in.
Corky: not a team leader; in.
Bradley: not responsible for his own actions; in. The thought bubble above his head reads, "In what?"
Bonnie, who is less interesting television than Robert: out. She is seen weeping a little bit, soon to head back to her job at Nike's glittering factory of child labor.
Angela wins the challenge. "It shows my scope," she says. No way, man. It shows your luck. Alison has been robbed again. Jeffrey just wants to win one challenge before he's kicked off. And Keith is busy preparing a press release declaring his innocence and his new partnership with Malan.
"Full-Tilt Boogie
Angela"
