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My personal struggles with my mom are no secret. In a recent column I detailed how her rejection of my sexuality led to one of the lowest points in my life -- a time when I wrestled daily with thoughts of suicide.
What I haven't talked about, though, is how my mother and I overcame all of these difficulties and forged a new bond. In other words -- I haven't told the story about how I met my mother.
When I left lawyering at the end of 2008, I had a sit-down -- down South. I told my mother I wanted to build a company like Playboy while she stared blankly at me in her sunny sitting room.
"But what about your law degree?" she asked, her voice at an almost-whisper.
The delivery of this message about my career was one of the many moments in life when my decisions ran headlong into a collision with her big dreams for me, and I could see just how much I had disappointed her.
It hurt like hell.
I have noticed that our battles over my personal choices run a three-year course:
Year 1: I tell her the truth (for example, "Mom, I am gay" or "Mom, I am a pornographer"), and a very bad reaction from her follows -- usually crying, possibly guilt-tripping, or general malaise.
Year 2: We follow a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I talk to her over the phone and circumvent discussion of uncomfortable topics. This method leads to a very fragmented and empty discussion of things happening to me, since I cannot discuss either the good or bad parts of the unmentionable offending areas.
As much as we have struggled, I truly have to give the lady credit. She really has evolved as a person. When I was young, she found my brother's porno stash and made him burn it in a bucket in our driveway. She came out of the racism and homophobia of the Deep South and has emerged as my biggest supporter and one of my closest friends -- someone I call whenever I have problems and need advice. She is now a kind voice and a sweet protector and the kind of mother I have always wanted. The kind of mother everyone wants.
If you're facing a rough time with your mom or dad, don't give up. As much as it crushes you not to have immediate acceptance, hang in there. I think it's better to leave the lines of communication open while still guarding yourself against the hurt. Who knows, maybe it will take less than the three-year standard for your loved one to come around.
After all, I have given her far more than a normal amount of controversy to deal with, and my mother still loves me. Yours does too.
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