Gaysayer Jaded Hearts Club

Valentine's Day can feel like a knife in the hearts of single people. The thought of entwined lovers filling the streets is enough to make you want to treat yourself to an entire pizza, bunker down underneath the covers and sob into your body pillow for the next 24 hours. To help you cope, we've asked some of our @Gaysayer comedians to share their insecure tales of romance and regret.

How Do You Keep The Romance Alive?

"My dildo and I mix it up occasionally and invite people over."
-- Jami Smith, @jamismithcomic

"I try to poop at work whenever possible."
-- Brian Raimondo, @mursebrianrn

"I pretend I'm Newt Gingrich and my wife has cancer and they're my hot, understanding mistress (or mistrer)."
-- Travon Free, @travonfree

"Cialis in his cereal."
-- Darienne Lake, @dariennelake

"Keep paying the 4.95 per minute."
-- Jack Mackenroth, @jackmackenroth

"Like anything else on life support: paying thousands of dollars to keep something alive that should be dead."
-- Chris Hooker, @wordsofahooker

"By installing a carbon monoxide detector in the basement your boyfriend is locked in. And don't forget to feed him!"
-- Pete Beat, @petebeat

"By not choking him out. Oh and Sade."
-- Justin Martindale, @justmartindale

"By covering my naked body in chocolate so when he gets home and screams 'Who are you get the fuck out of my house,' I'll have something to eat for the drive home."
-- Zackary Ross, @zackblows

Trending stories

"Pregnancy scares. It makes my wife feel virile."
-- Laughing Lesbian, @laughinglesbian

"We have an open relationship with produce."
-- Alison Egert, @alisonisfunny

I Love You Because...

"My penis is bigger."
-- Brian Raimondo, @mursebrianrn

"I'm afraid of getting back into the dating scene."
-- Jeffrey Jay, @HeyJeffreyJay

"Your hand fits perfectly inside of me."
-- Jessica Halem, @jessicahalem

"I save all my hate for the Kardashians."
-- Shawn Hollenbach, @shawnhollenbach

"You seem completely unaware that I can see into your bathroom from my kitchen window."
-- Pete Beat, @petebeat

"We can wear the same jeans. (I don't even like you, anymore, though. It just seems dumb to leave when we can share all of these jeans.)"
-- Jill Kushner, @thejillkushner

"You like to do fun things after we sleep together like play hide and go seek. You're really good at it, still searching after six months!"
-- Zackary Ross, @zackblows

"You don't make up songs after sex."
-- Lianna Carrera, @liannac

"You have tickets to Liza Minnelli at the Hollywood Bowl."
-- Chris Schleicher, @cschleichsrun

"Our bed is taking longer to die than Terry Schiavo."
-- Alison Egert, @alisonisfunny

I Regret Saying...

"My ex says I look happy. Our work here is done."
-- Jami Smith, @jamismithcomic

"Sure let's live together for a third time!"
-- Justin Martindale, @justmartindale

"'I want to give birth to your ass babies.' I'm not good at pillow talk. I totally panicked."
-- Brian Raimondo, @mursebrianrn

"'Sure, I can take the whole thing.' The first 7 inches was consensual."
-- Darienne Lake, @dariennelake

"'If we leave now, we can totally make it to Pottery Barn to register for our wedding!!' on a first date."
-- Zackary Ross, @zackblows

"Of course I'll get the tattoo first!"
-- Lianna Carrera, @liannac

"Why do we need gay marriage when we have 'Harness Night' at The Rawhide?"
-- Frank Liotti, @Frank_Liotti

"I was a top. It was just a fleeting idea that I really had no intention of following through on. I'm sorry I misled you all."
-- Jessica Halem, @jessicahalem

"Jesus! How many years did you breastfeed?"
-- Alison Egert, @alisonisfunny

Worst Reason I Ever Broke Up With Someone...

"I once had a boyfriend take a tube of Neosporin out of my medicine cabinet and bring it with him it on a business trip -- without asking me. I didn't notice until I was doing a little manscaping and nicked myself in the balls. I ended it on the spot."
-- Adam Sank, @adamsank

"He had grey pubic hair."
-- H. Alan Scott, @halanscott

"She wasn't a boy. I figured a few things out that year."
-- Jeffrey Jay, @HeyJeffreyJay

"He sounded silly when he cried. He sounded like a clown horn, I couldn't stop laughing."
-- Peter Depp, @peterdepp

"Because they put the toilet paper roll on facing in."
-- Travon Free, @travonfree

"Because my camp counselor wouldn't leave his wife."
-- Jack Mackenroth, @jackmackenroth

"They were crazy and by that I mean they broke up with me because I was crazy, and by that I mean my psychiatrist changed my meds, and by that I mean my boyfriend was just a figment of my imagination."
-- Zackary Ross, @zackblows

"I once stayed with a guy for an extra few weeks because I knew I was going to need a ride to the airport."
-- Chris Schleicher, @cschleichsrun

"I had actually fallen asleep with her sitting on my face."
-- Jessica Halem, @jessicahalem