I hate being gay

In late July the Washington State supreme court upheld a law that limits marriage to heterosexual couples. As a gay 19-year-old in Longview, Wash., my delight with that ruling is probably surprising. However, I'm not your average gay person--I'm also a Christian who views living a gay lifestyle as against God's word.

And because of my religious beliefs, I hate the fact that I am gay.

About the time I was 12 years old, it became clear to me that I was sexually attracted to guys. I assumed these feelings would go away as I got older. People choose to be gay, right? I didn't choose this, so I figured it would pass. But it didn't. By age 15 I had my first boyfriend.

At about that time I started to attend a Pentecostal church. I began reading the Bible, including its many different and powerful passages condemning homosexual activity. I knew in my heart that being gay was wrong in God's eyes. I decided to devote myself to living a God-filled life and knew I needed to stop being gay so that I could stop being attracted to guys.

I looked into "ex-gay" ministries and joined such a program offered by a local church. It has taught me that with God's help I can change my desires. A friend of mine went through another church's program, and he's changed. He's now happy and in love with his girlfriend. I pray the same will happen to me someday.

In the meantime I focus on fighting efforts to force the "gay agenda" on those of us who know God does not accept homosexuality. Although I do not condone discrimination, I also do not support gay marriage laws or many of the other issues backed by gay rights groups. I am a proud conservative Republican, and I support political candidates who feel the same way I do.

Many people ask me how I can be gay and also be a Republican and a Pentecostal Christian. My answer is that I am so much more than my sexuality. I don't vote solely on pet gay issues. My faith and love of God is not guided by one small piece of who I am--a piece of me that I am trying very hard to change.

Being a gay Christian is at times very hard to deal with. Some days I feel as if I'm at war with myself. But I know God would not approve of me acting on my gay feelings, and I have no right to question his directive. I know that in the end I will be happy I lived my life according to God's standards the best that I could.

That means refusing to accept being gay.