As the
never-ending public slugfest between former New Jersey
governor Jim McGreevey and ex-wife Dina Matos
McGreevey demonstrates, the dissolution of a marriage
is hard -- harder still when the separation involves a
coming-out.
The anger and
self-doubt accompanying any divorce is exponentially
greater for the straight wives or husbands whose spouses
announce they're gay and leaving. It's
an unenviable position -- one that often includes
thoughts of I should've known and Did I turn
him/her gay? Amity Buxton has been helping
people get through this situation for years through
the organization she founded, the Bay Area-based
Straight Spouse Network.
"Being
rejected as a man or a woman is the hardest thing to go
through," says Buxton, who was married for 25
years to a closeted man. Her group provides support
and education for and by current and former spouses of
LGBT people (as well as some gay members of those
relationships). "Our goal is that gay people
don't feel they have to get married because of
social pressure," says Buxton, "that they
could marry each other and we wouldn't have so
many family tragedies."
The Straight
Spouse Network began in 1991, an outgrowth of spouse
meetings sponsored by PFLAG. It has an annual budget of
about $100,000 and thousands of participants across
the country. "Most people don't
understand how this is different from a usual affair or
divorce," says Buxton. "When the spouses
find people who understand their anger and explain
they didn't turn anyone gay, they gradually stand on
their own feet again and understand the gay point of
view." The network links up people through
StraightSpouse.org, aligning those in similar situations.
Once a spouse
comes out, couples fall into one of three categories,
Buxton says. Either they immediately separate, they try to
make it work but divorce within a few years, or they
commit to the marriage, either as a monogamous,
celibate, or open-relationship couple. The network passes
judgment on no one, Buxton says.
Living up to its
aforementioned goal, the network listed itself as an
endorser of the ACLU's successful case against
California's ban on same-sex marriage. The
network also condemned reparative therapy, and
attempts to help high-profile figures who've
separated from gay spouses. Buxton has spoken several
times with Matos McGreevey.
Says Buxton:
"One of the things Dina said was, 'It took me
a minute to decide whether to go out on TV with him
[when McGreevey came out publicly]. And I thought, I
need to be there in my own right. The public thought,
I'm standing by my man. No -- I needed to show
I'm still here and still
strong.' "
