Radio Personality
Harrison Takes on Kern County

While cities throughout California commemorate June 17th's greenlighting of same-sex marriage, the 8,000 square mile backwoods county of Kern--home to Edwards Air Force Base and the China Lake Naval Air Weapons Station--remains a virtual stand-alone in glad defiance of the California supreme court's recent celebrated ruling.

Kern County, recently ranked by The American Lung Association as the most ozone-polluted county in the nation, is also heralded as the "Country Music Capitol of the West" and home of Cousin' Ebb Pilling of the Pumpkin Center Barn Dance.

Kern County is larger than the entire state of Connecticut, gushing 35,000 active oil wells amidst a dusty landmass of dereks, trailer parks, and 7-11s. The county seat is plopped in sun-blistered Bakersfield, made famous as the residence of "Hee-Haw" star Buck Owens. It is here that Ann Barnett, Kern County Auditor-Controller and County Clerk, decided to flash her Crucifix against the state supreme court's equality ruling to openly administer marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Ms. Barnett even pushed County Counsel Bernard Barmann to file a legal brief with the State of California to block all same-sex marriages, statewide. But a subsequent ruling now forces her, with gritted teeth, to perform her elected duties.

Yet, Ms. Barnett continues to demonstrate little gusto to comply with the spirit of the law. An official press release issued by her office on June 4th states she's decided to ban all marriage pronouncements--both straight and gay--thereby not signaling evidence of hand-picked discrimination. She cites: "The County Clerk's office will not solemnize weddings after June 13, 2008. We will not have the staff or space to deal with an increase in both licenses and ceremonies." Wholly untrue, I later learned, after making a day trip from Los Angeles to Bakersfield, to attempt to exhume the body politic.

As I entered the County Administrative Building, five sheriff's deputies squintily eyeballed me as I stepped into the elevator. The second-floor county clerk's office, encased behind glass, revealed a timid receptionist who quietly signaled the office staff that an outsider was present. Perhaps wearing a sport coat hinted to my interloper status. In a friendly tone, I requested a brief audience with Ms. Barnett and was, without a second's hesitation, denied. Immediately, a surly bureaucrat, reminiscient of a fist-pounding school principle, appeared, handing me a band-aid sized slip of paper with a name and telephone number on it. "Alliance Defense Fund. Greg Scott. 480-388-8111."

Das Bureaucrat said he would say no more and that phoning the mysterious paper strip would reveal the official position of the "unavailable" Barnett. Who or what is the Alliance Defense Fund? I asked. "Just call the number!" he said, stabbing a finger through the air. "I'm not gonna tell you again!" For a second time, I requested clarification of the paper scrap's unsolved connection to county government, asking him if this Alliance Defense Fund was, in fact, a special governmental body granted sole voice for a taxpayer-fueled government official. "I don't have to answer your questions," he air-stabbed.

You'd have thought I'd been waving the commie flag or had just goosed his grandmother. No sooner had his sweaty lip begun to horripilate in a gnarled rictus, than he threatened to summon security. We clearly were getting close to something rather prickly, like who/what's backing this elusive Ann Barnett, whose recalcitrant homophobic behavior wouldn't be tolerated unless she were backed by some very powerful forces.

Watergate lesson #1: Follow the money.

First, I researched this "Alliance" to ascertain its role as the county propagandist. In this era of Bush-Cheney-Hooterville politics, it was hardly an eye-bugging shock to uncover that the Alliance Defense Fund (ADF) was spawned by Bill Bright (founder, Campus Crusade for Christ), James Dobson (founder, Focus on the Family), Donald Wildmon (founder, American Family Association), along with more than 30 other Christian activist organizations.

A lot of horsepower, indeed. So, I Ma Belled the Alliance Defense Fund, which found me in Scottsdale, Ariz., in an endless voicemail loop or long passages of on-hold music. When I finally found a way to circumnavigate to a live human, named Burke, he gave me a nutrition-free meal of BS-dressed word salad. Click here to listen to our conversation.

If this were some third-rate democracy, it'd be no surprise that religious forces controlled the people's government. But this is, after all, the home turf of California's largest open pit borax mine.

To fully appreciate Bakersfield's citizenry, one has only to wander Merle Haggard Street or visit the parking lot of the local Jack in the Box. It was there that I found Mr. Paul Barkerfelt, who thoughtfully offered: "I agree with the lady in the courthouse. If gays wanna get married, that's fine if God wants to make another law. But when he puts lightning in [their] ass, they'll know the difference."

Kyle Williams, a young Bakersfielder, put it this way: "It's an abomination of God. I'm a Christian and I go strictly by the Bible."

Kern High School District Trustee, Mr. Chad Vegas, scrawled his outrage in a lofty letter to the Kern County Supervisor: "I am writing to make you aware of my ardent support for Ann Barnett. Please support her. Further, please know that I will work vigorously to remove from office any supervisor that does not support her in this difficult time. There is no more important political issue to the evangelical church. I want to make it clear that nothing short of complete opposition to homosexual marriage will be tolerated! As you consider your options, I remind you of the Apostle Peter in Acts 4 who asked, "should we obey man or God?" The choice is clear!"

If we are to look for guidance from the scholarly spiritualism of Kern County's high school trustee, man-made laws such as the constitutional ban of gay marriage should not be obeyed.

In a similar convolution, the county clerk's office published the reason for canceling all weddings by saying that they would "not have the staff or space to deal with an increase in both licenses and ceremonies. Because of long-term administrative plans, budgetary reasons...". Yet, thanks to the diligence of the local paper, it appears that Ann Barnett's office maintains not one, but two wedding rooms. Further, she charges $30 per ceremony and pours into the county coffers an average $50,000 a year from civil ceremonies. And those staff-depleting ceremonies take, on average, seven minutes to perform.

So, we're left with a Constitutional conundrum as Kern County secretly blurs the line between religious zealots and the Peoples' official business. Nevermind the separation of church and state. Of course, the Alliance Defense Fund--a non-profit organization--manages to make naughty by engaging in witch-hunting whack-a-mole under the guise of its non-profit charter. But since county officials "don't have to answer your questions!" when confronted by the knuckle-walking, nose-picking local taxpayer, we may have to exonerate French political philosopher Alexis de Tocqueville, who said: "The people gets what government it deserves."

Comedian and radio personality Harrison whose progressive talk show Harrison on the Edge broadcast on Air America.