It's a
brand new year, and if you're like many people,
you're over 2008. If it's because in 2009
you're planning to end your days of living in the
closet, then I have some advice for you. This advice
isn't just for people who are closeted but for
friends of yours who may need your help as you take
this huge step forward.
My experience
living in the closet comes from doing it at a military
academy for four years -- the United States Air Force
Academy, where being gay was not only not acceptable,
Christian, moral, or tolerable, it was against the law
-- and still is. That my sexuality was against the law
didn't make things any easier -- much like anyone who lives
in a household or holds down a job where
being found out as gay would mean immediate expulsion
from that environment, either by policy or by peer
pressure.
This year coming
out of the closet takes on added meaning. We are in
the middle of a time when true leadership is creating a
safer environment for us all. Barack Obama's
initiatives to end the ban on the open service of gay
people in our U.S. armed forces, along with his promise to
allow our community the same civil rights as those
offered to heterosexual people (even if he
isn't yet pushing for civil unions to be called
"marriage"), sends a clear message to the
nation. It means our leadership, at the highest level,
is watching out for us.
Proposition 8 and
the religio-socio-economic and political war that
ensued over it showed us that leadership could emerge not
just from above but from within our community. We
banded together to make a statement, make headlines,
and demonstrate to every American that we find a
condescending and right-bashing form of legislation
completely unacceptable.
I heard firsthand
accounts of fights breaking out on lawns of public
buildings where sign posters from each side of the Prop. 8
battle became physical over their convictions on this
issue.
What we've
learned is twofold: Going public with your sexuality can and
will eventually be met with adverse consequences, sometimes
extreme, and that coming out of the closet and being a
visible part of your community is more important than
ever. As in all civil rights cases of the past, the
win ultimately comes down to a point of unstoppable
momentum.
It's time
to ask yourself if you're going to be part of that
momentum or if you're going to sit out.
If you choose the
former, before running full speed ahead, stop to
consider a few things -- for a minute.
The first thing
to consider when you're thinking about coming out of
the closet is your safety and general well-being. Just
as a society has a hierarchy of needs (food, water,
and shelter), so does your coming-out process.
When you come
darting out of that closet, are you going to put yourself
in a situation where you might end up homeless, penniless,
or without food? If so, you need to take a few
important steps. If you're dependent on others
for the basic needs of life, find a person or move to a
house with people who will not allow your basic needs
to go unmet should the people you come out to
decide that you're not even worth providing for
because you're gay. If this sounds unthinkable,
believe me, it's not. I've counseled
hundreds of youths -- and well-established adults -- in
this very situation, and in most cases it could have been
prevented by thinking of these things ahead of time.
If you have a job
and are financially independent, some of these worries
go away. However, many people have great jobs but still live
with someone who will demand that the newly uncloseted
person leave the home. Always have a backup plan.
The next level to
consider in our coming out of the closet hierarchy of
needs is sex! Well, not just sex, even though I have your
attention now, but the relationship surrounding it. If
you're already in one, make sure you're
hitched up with someone who is not only OK and comfortable
with your plan to become a straight shooter (anti-pun
intended) but who will support you through it by
understanding the challenges you're both about
to face. Many coming-out stories end with the expense of a
comfy relationship that was based on living life the
old way, lying to everyone around. If your partner
isn't ready for you come out, while you can't
live in the closet anymore, it's time to sit down
with him or her and decide what's best. If you
can't come to an agreement, then you have a
tough decision to make. Should you decide to ditch your
partner for the sake of coming out, believe me,
you're a little mermaid now with "a whole
new world" and you're going to be singing soon
enough, much to your old partner's dismay.
Although I doubt
that Abraham Maslow ever envisioned his "social
hierarchy of needs" to be applied to the coming-out
of gay people, it's working quite well for me,
so I'm going to continue with it! Next on our
list (after our food, safety, and companionship needs are
met) is self-esteem and the respect of, and for,
others. If you're going to come out, you must
be mentally prepared to be treated differently by some
people. Just by telling someone you're gay,
you've placed yourself in a minority group that
has been discriminated against for centuries. You may
not be invited to dinners, parties, outings, or other social
events by certain people. You may be fired from your
job or pressured to leave. You may find that family
members not only treat you differently but stop
speaking to you altogether.
When these things
happen, you have two choices.
One is to become
bitter and to hate these people for what you perceive as
their hating you. This usually fosters more negativity and
even less understanding between you and whoever may
force this unpleasantness on you. The better choice in
most cases is to attempt to resolve the conflict.
Why should you
though? You're gay and everyone should accept it,
right?
No -- I wouldn't
take that attitude. Remember when I said that coming out
requires courage? This is where the courage comes into play
-- letting go of your ego. Granted, don't put
yourself into a bad situation where your safety may be
compromised, but do try to resolve the conflict by having a
personal conversation with whoever you suspect is treating
your differently. In that conversation the best
approach is to be honest with the person about how you
feel or how you have felt since you came out of the
closet. Explain to them the struggle that your life was when
you were hiding and lying to everyone. Usually the
goodness of humanity surfaces in a person and they
will apologize or at least thank you for opening up to
them. You've not only made your relationship with
that person stronger, but you've changed a
person's opinion on the gay experience, even if
just a little.
Before we move on
to the last level of needs, I'd like to address the
coming-out situations that I call "Hail
Marys." Forgive me, Father, but even though
I'm a product of Catholic school, I mean "Hail
Mary" in the long-desperate-throw sense. A Hail
Mary would be any coming-out situation that is going
to involve, on a grand scale, many more people than just
yourself and a partner. For instance, a military coming-out,
clergy coming-out, celebrity coming-out, and being
married with a family and coming out of that. If
you're in any of these situations, there are many
other steps that you must take to prepare for the fall-out
of coming out.
If you're
in the military, please write an e-mail to the folks at Servicemembers Legal Defense Network
before you turn your combat boots in for Jimmy Choos.
If you're in the clergy, a celebrity, or in any
other high-profile public position, please talk to a
public relatons firm that deals in crisis PR. Its
people will have insight and ideas you might
never think of on your own. Should your Hail Mary be
coming out to your heterosexual husband or wife -- possibly
with kids -- then my advice is to seek out a
professional marriage and family counselor before you
do anything. Also, strongly consider telling a lawyer
first as well! Do not attempt this alone. My counseling
experience in these situations tells me to repeat, do not
attempt this alone!
Now for our final
level on our coming out hierarchy of needs. I'm
talking about the values of morality and problem
solving.
After coming out,
you will most likely hear (or have your ears more tuned
to) the rantings of those who oppose what they call
"the homosexual lifestyle." Remember
what we just recently saw with the opposition to our
demands for marriage equality: After coming out you
will be in the group they will call immoral, deviant,
and much harsher words than those. These words will
often come from people who consider themselves to be
"the moral majority" or from members of
churches that, aside from spreading fear and hate
for their gay brothers and sisters, otherwise promote
love and friendship.
The highest level
you can achieve in your coming-out is to get involved
to promote the ideals of love, friendship, and acceptance
for gay people from everyone. Courage rears its
beautiful head again here because standing up for what
you believe in takes conviction and, oftentimes,
fearlessness. I'm not going to go so far as to say
it's your duty to become an activist, but give
it some serious thought. Being an activist
doesn't necessarily mean marching at the rally or
joining the gay pride parade. Activism is just as
important and just as strong in a five-line note to
your congressperson, in starting a gay-straight alliance at
your school or university, or asking your place of
business if it's OK to form a support group for
gay employees who have an extra challenge in
gaining acceptance from others in the workplace.
Activism can also be as simple as voting your good old
gay conscience at the polls.
Good luck in 2009
to my friends who are holding the skeleton keys to that
closet door and who can see the light shining from under the
space by the floor. There is no right or wrong way to
come out, only your way, but I hope these helpful
hints will make your coming-out party that much more
victorious.