I still feel “bottom shame.” I still feel a little embarrassed when I say I’m a bottom. I was in the closet for the first 18 years of my life and I remember the things my peers in school would say. They knew I was gay and so did I. I think, perhaps, we were all just daring me to say it aloud.
For some reason, homophobes assume all gay men are bottoms — the concept of dom tops must be too much for them. When guys on my varsity football team joked about how I wanted a dick in my butt, it struck a chord of shame in me, because I did want a dick in my butt, and I feared they knew. I wondered if they could read my mind. (I used to fantasize about double penetration with the quarterback and the left tackle.)
Bottoms bear the worst of cultural homophobia. Homophobes hate us because, among other reasons, the only thing they hate more than women is feminized men, and in their warped view of the world, heavy with antiquated gender norms, getting penetrated is the ultimate form of feminization.