Did Peter Pan Inspire This Gay Prostitute Turned Novelist?
BY Savas Abadsidis
February 27 2013 6:00 AM ET
Have you reconciled or dealt with being bipolar now?
I have. I think that's pretty much the overall message, is that I've reconciled with every part of myself — the bipolar disorder, the temporal lobe epilepsy; the narcissistic, borderline, and histrionic personality disorder. I am who I am. I really am very self-aware. My psychiatrist actually says that I'm the most self-aware patient she's ever seen, and I really think most people — whether they are diagnosed or not — aren't that self-aware in everyday life. People love to lie to themselves. [That's] another big reason why my relationships don't work out. I'm big on telling people the truth. They hate that. They love a big bag of bullshit like someone like Lady Gaga will give 'em.
How much of the books and your Facebook are a persona and how much are real?
Every inch of me is 100% real, and I would hope that's the draw here. I'm really letting people see the good, the bad and the ugly. This isn't what I want you to see or a branded character that I made up — this is the real deal, and I think there's something very attractive about that. Again, with Lady Gaga, or other ridiculous celebrities... they create these "gimmicks," or these bullshit personas, these acts, and people might be fooled for a while, but lies are just truths waiting to be themselves. How many times are we gonna watch her go up on stage and scream "Equality my little monsters?" I mean, shut up. She does not understand this struggle… [she's] looking to make a dime off of gay men; that's evil. I don't want to be a fake act for people to bow down to. I want them to see something real and see a real struggle and inspire something in them based on more than being able to walk in ridiculous high heels and putting a lobster on my head. I am real, through and through.
You seem to still be sensitive to some of the loves of your life. How do they feel about you writing about it, or have they not read it?
I know a lot of people have read it and the reactions have been, as expected, intense. It's hard to separate yourself from every little event. Most people are not as painfully self-aware as I am, so when they see themselves painted in even the slightest light that might be unfavorable they want to deny it. People don't see themselves clearly. But, I'm not looking to expose anyone. I didn't use anyone's real names. I just told the truth as it was and as I felt it. If anyone is mostly painted poorly here, it's myself. I would think that most of the people who care about me would read this — which was intended to be a suicide note — and find it to be a gift. They get to know my thoughts and feelings about everything. If you truly cared about someone, that is a gift.
There are people that got this book immediately and read it cover to cover and understood what I was trying to say and let go of anything that might have been negative about them. Then there are the people that didn't read it, or took their time, and obsessed over the tiny little parts about themselves, not seeing it for the big picture and not really caring about me and what I was trying to get across. It was a great answer to a question I was asking myself for a very long time: who matters? I mean, I know if I actually were to end my life, like most suicides, I'd have tons of fake people lining up to mourn me like I was John Lennon, and I swear, the thought of that phoniness turns my stomach. I can't tell you how many times in my life someone has told me that I was the most important person in their life and that they knew me best, as if they won. This really helped put a lot of that into perspective.
The truth is, most people are horrifically selfish and self-absorbed. There is no perfect person. But I'm not trying to hurt anyone with this book. It's a fantastic character study, practically a DSM-IV companion, and a love letter to the people I have loved. Anyone who wants to see it as a personal attack needs to get over themselves. It's not about them... it's about me. The people who matter will realize that.