BY Dave White
December 07 2009 5:05 PM ET
12/4 - Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas: According to my research, it’s not airing anywhere this month. But that could change. I’ll check out the DVD though. It is the single most depressing Christmas special ever aimed at children. The saddest, poorest Muppets in the history of Muppets. Why I like it I’m not sure. The equally bummer-inducing British film from the 1960s, A Taste of Honey, is also on. That movie made Morrissey what he is today, if that gives you any idea. Has nothing to do with Christmas, but after Emmet Otter you might as well wallow in it.
12/5 - It’s a Wonderful Life: A nice salve for your wounds.
12/6 - Battle of the Bods and Bully Beatdown: I just found these two shows. They’ve been on for a while. On Battle, people compete to see who’s hottest. It’s gross. It’s even grosser today when some gay guys gang up on the female contestants to tell them what’s wrong with their bodies. Then on Beatdown, some bullies get the shit kicked out of them. It’s on MTV, where they used to have music. Oh, and yes, nothing to do with the holidays at all. Just a little breather.
12/7 - Santa’s Slay: A 2005 TV movie starring the former pro wrestler Goldberg as a murderous demon who impersonates Santa and goes around destroying people. Ideally, it should have starred the “SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!” guy, but Goldberg is sexier.