*When will Fantasia listen to her Ma’Dear and Knowledge and kick Teeny out of the pool house? Translation: Fantasia’s auntie and some dude who calls himself “Knowledge” (yet to be proven) need to help Fantasia get rid of her no-job-having mooch of a brother who keeps trying to guilt his sister into paying for his every breath. Oh, wait, sorry, I’m talking about Fantasia: For Real. It’s the reality show about the best winner of American Idol ever and how she’s being drained of money by her family, none of whom seem to be concerned that none of them have jobs.

*When will gays get their own Conveyor Belt of Love? Not that we should aspire to this kind of thing, but it sure was fun watching poor, lady-craving dipshits go on the beggars-offensive to catch the attention of a group of grown-up Mean Girls, all of whom could wave the guys off with a “Not Interested” sign and a snotty remark. I see that kind of stuff happen in gay bars, so it would be a literal no-brainer to put it on TV. And if Logo is really going to produce a reality show called Kept, about men who want to find sugar daddies, then why not a whole televised block of dating pool aversion therapy?

*Who’s watching Pawn Stars, that show about guys who run a pawn shop? Are they the audience who finds lunkheaded logger reality series Ax Men too dense with brisk banter? I’ve now tried both of them. And Ax Men, if I had to choose at gunpoint, would be the one I watch — although I’d really sooner go for Deadliest Catch — but most of it boils down to “WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!” and I can get that on old reruns of George of the Jungle.

*Will someone please translate the new Sundance Channel series Be Good Johnny Weir from Super-Gay into English for me? It’s about the championship figure skater guy who makes Christian Siriano seem like Ed Asner. OK, just kidding, I have no trouble understanding the language of Super-Gay. I watch Project Runway every week. And I don’t hate his adrenaline-powered flamboyance. I think that dude is being exactly who he is. And since he can be who he is while dressed in a swan-like leotard and doing cartwheels on the ice, then more power to him.

*When do I get to stop paying attention to the Leno-Conan wars? Clearly, Conan is funny and Leno is not, and so we should be on Conan’s side. And I’m glad we’re getting 10 p.m. scripted shows back, obviously. I was feeling detective/lawyer/doctor-deficient for a little while there. But one of these guys is worth several hundred million dollars and the other one is merely worth tens of millions. I’m going to have to be paid more to care.

Tags: television