It think it's time we talked. Please don't act like you didn't see this coming, I think we both knew it was going to happen for a few months now. I'm not going to sugar coat it, you're a fucking sociopath, and we're breaking up. Oh, it's not me...it's definitely you. You have a few days to get your shit and get out. This isn't a discussion, I'm more than happy to get a restraining order. I know over the year, we've accumulated a lot of shit together (I'm a lesbian, that's what we do), so I took the time to separate our things for us. Again, this is not up for debate.
First and foremost, you can have the entire Trump family, even Tiffany. I felt bad for her in the beginning, but if you don't speak up at this point, you're just as guilty as the rest. Actually, while we're at it, you can have everyone still supporting Donald Trump. I'll take The Resistance. I just think her values are more in line with mine. I'm going to hang on to Sally Yates, Joy Reid, and Kirstin Gillibrand. You can go ahead and keep Steve Bannon. I'm not telling you who you should hang out with, but the guy is a Nazi and he needs a fucking shower, he's disgusting. You should also tell him to get the sores on his face checked out. He's scaring the children. You can have Roy Moore. I would keep your 14-year-old niece away from him though, just sayin'. I'm going to keep Doug Jones's gay son. He's adorable and likes sushi. I think we'll be fast friends.
You can keep that little transphobic racist elf Jeff Sessions. I'm tired of hearing his squeaky little southern hostess voice say "I don't recall" 235 times in an hour. While you're at it, you can have Ted Cruz, too. He always sounds like he's about to park a van outside an elementary school. I'll keep the ACLU, the Human Rights Campaign, and The Trevor Project. They are all working hard to protect the LGBTQ community against this administration. I'm going to keep Keaton Jones, the sweet boy who was bullied. You can have his confederate-loving mom. In fact, you can have all of those white-supremacists with their khaki pants and tiki torches. Your friends look like their Nazi fraternity is sponsored by The Gap and Home Depot. So pathetic.
You can keep Susan Sarandon, James Woods, and Rosanne Barr. They have all lost their fucking minds. I'll keep Tom Arnold. I don't know if you follow him on Twitter, but he's amazing. Between Tom and Rosanne, he's definitely the sane one. I'll be keeping Alyssa Milano. She flew down to Alabama to drive voters to the polls. Speaking of! I'll keep all of the incredible black women who voted Doug Jones into office. You can have your old white man's party. You're dying off, you know that right? Your racist, bigoted friends are dying off!
See, this is why this doesn't work. You make me angry, 2017. I'm a comedian, I'm supposed to be happy and my blood pressure goes up every time your illegitimate petulant child of a President tweets! He's going after Anna Wintour for G-d sake! I'm done. I'm done.
I know we haven't agreed on everything (almost anything), but I wanted to thank you for blowing the roof off of all the sexual assault that has been happening to women and a few men all over this country. I know a lot of your friends got taken down because of this, but they deserve it. And since we're on the subject, I'll keep Ashley Judd, Selma Blaire, and all the Silence Breakers. You can keep that monster Weinstein, Matt Lauer, and Charlie Rose. I bet you didn't think I would turn my back on a liberal, but you're wrong. These guys are douche bags, it doesn't matter which political party they belong to. You can keep Louis CK, too. They should make him cover his hands with tiger balm and cayenne pepper. Maybe he'll keep them away from his dick when he's in front of people who didn't ask to see it.
I could go on and on, but I think you can see why we just don't work. I saw the signs, I did, but I wanted to believe you wouldn't be as bad as everyone thought. Now, I know this is awkward, but I told 2018 she could move in right away. (Again, I'm a lesbian, that's what we do.) I'm going to ask that you don't make a scene if you run into her.
We aren't keeping in touch, and I don't want to get coffee sometime. Take care of yourself, but if you don't, I could give a shit. You're not my problem anymore. I'm going to do my best to go find my happy place again.
With no love, Dana
P.S. Take a fidget-spinner along with the new tax scam and shove them both up your ass. Namaste.
DANA GOLDBERG is a comedian and host of Out in Left Field every week on Advocate.com.