Shania and Kanye and Joy, Oh My!

Dear Celebrities,

Please stop making me have to write these articles. Please, I beg of you, it's cruel and inhumane. I truly cannot stand having an email from my editor pop into my inbox asking for my hot take on some overpaid goon who decided to punch their own career in the nuts. I have so much I want to say about politics, sociology, how underappreciated a show Into the Badlands is (really, its kung fu fantasy in a post-apocalyptic feudal America with LGBTQ characters, strong female leads, and racial diversity, why is no one watching this show?!). But no, I get stuck having to churn out another article version of a double face palm, every time one of you goobers gets loose from your PR person and manages to cram an overpriced shoe into your brunch hole. For the love of God and all that is holy, take a tip from Obama and actually think before you speak or tweet. So, let's do this.

First, you, Shania. What the hell made you think that saying that you would vote for Trump was going to go over well at all?For the love of God, you're guest-judging on RuPaul's Drag Race. Drag queens and gay cowboys are the only things keeping you even slightly relevant anymore. It took you 15 years to make a new album -- isn't that how old Ariana Grande is? Now you get to pander to one of your most loyal fan bases with Drag Race and you go and praise Trump? Even the country music fans that like you aren't the kind that like Trump. Just because you gave the interview in a British paper, doesn't mean it won't get back to us. We have the internet now, you know! This goes for you and every other celebrity -- when a reporter asks if you like Trump, even if you do, you say, "Oh, I don't talk about politics." That's it, you're done. No PR disaster, no apology statements, no slump in ticket sales. It's simple, easy to remember, and understandable. You're welcome.

Now you, Kanye. What the hell is wrong with you? I get that you haven't been the most emotionally reserved person in the music industry, but let me offer you a bit of advice: tweet less, produce more. You've been on some weird Chinese restaurant placemat inspirational quote streak lately, and all of us go through that phase at one time or another, but dude, being all huggy on Trump? I'm real happy you're on a love kick, and Imma letcha finish, but Trump is the worst president of all time. Not the best way to keep your hip-hop cred intact, mkay? Now you got right-wingers discovering their love of hip-hop, which used to be confined to Young MC's "It Takes Two" being played at wedding parties, and I really do not want to see a bunch of WASPs rocking MAGA trucker caps and a pair of $500 Yeezys okay? Let me put it to you this way, Trump's entire existence is a diss track to minorities, women, and LGBTQ people. So please, Kim, take Kanye's phone away from him not only for his sake, but your bank accounts sake. I mean the person who airbrushes your nude selfies just put their kid into an expensive private school, and they really need the money. Kanye, I get that you're a skilled musician and producer, but that only goes so far when you tell us to be nice to the man that is taking away our basic human rights. No amount of derivate self-help new age bullshit is gonna change that.

And now you, Joy Ann Reid. Goddamn it. Hackers? Really? Look, we know you used to say homophobic things, and you apologized, and we forgave you. Lots of LGBTQ people have been vouching for you and you did apologize again on your show this week, but for the love of God, just own it okay? Please, everyone, when you get caught being a bigoted trash panda 10 years ago, just say that you've grown as a person and you apologize for the hurt you caused. Say you'll do better, ask our forgiveness and it'll be all okay. Yes, there are some of us out there who's only reason to get up in the morning is to yell at things on the internet. You're always going to have people who will dredge up crappy things you used to say or do try to tear you down. That's the game now. Maybe you don't remember writing trashy things 12 years ago, and that's fine. We all live in fear of someone finding our old LiveJournal blogs. They're like time capsules of stupidity. But when they surface just say, "Yeah, that's embarrassing, and I regret it. I promise to keep working to make up for it." Done. It's over. Anyone who is still upset is the kind of person who googles key words on the internet just so they can yell about things.

These aren't hard scandals to avoid. I get that you live in a bubble of sycophants and lickspittles, but you do have access to the media so you know how these things go. If it can be mistaken, it will be. I write all of this knowing you guys are never going to stop screwing up, and that people are going to keep grabbing their torches and pitchforks. I mean they paid good money for them and there's no return policy, so they're gonna want to use them. Maybe next time, don't give them the opportunity.

'Til next time,
Amanda