Memories of
Coming Out: Day 3 

On October 11 millions of openly gay Americans will reflect on the day they took those brave first steps out of the closet, providing support and encouragement to others who have yet to find their voice. On the third day of our coming-out series, speaker and lecturer Donna Rose, filmmaker and GroundSpark executive director Debra Chasnoff, and entertainment publicist Len Evans share their coming-out stories.

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Donna Rose, speaker and lecturer

Coming out for me isn't localized to a single moment or event. Rather, it was a gradual process that was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. It was a very slow journey with brief flashes of action that gradually gained both pace and intensity. By the time I was finally ready to share the news with others, it was as much due to the fact that I just couldn't keep it in anymore as it was my actually wanting to share it.

I have found that the coming-out experience as a transgender person is similar but in many respects different from the experiences of my GLB friends. For those of us who begin the process of transitioning from one gender to another, it involves changing your life in drastic ways. As I came out to people it wasn't simply to share the news that I am a transsexual -- it was to prepare them for the fact that I would be undergoing some significant physical and emotional changes in order to live my life in my authentic gender. That's a difficult message to explain, so my earliest victims had to read it in a letter that I had painstakingly written explaining it all.

The most profound events of my life were coming out to my son, and to my mother. My brother and sister were less difficult, and the process of coming out to my then-wife of nearly 20 years was more difficult than profound. All told, however, my coming-out journey isn't a single story but a number of interconnected stories that have taught me much about others and about myself.

If I had to pick one event to highlight, however, this would be it: My first day full-time at work as Donna was October 4, 1999. It was a day for which I had prepared mentally and emotionally for years to achieve, while at the same time a day that I had spent the better part of a lifetime trying to prevent. I have no idea where I found the courage to show up that day. By the time it was over, however, the terror and anxiety that marked the morning had been replaced by pride and a deep sense of peace at having achieved it.

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Debra Chasnoff, filmmaker and executive director, GroundSpark

My family had a little sailboat, and one weekend when I was in 10th grade I invited a young woman who had been my camp counselor to come sailing with us. At night the rest of the family crawled into the musty cabin, but Steph and I put sleeping bags up on the deck instead. The stars and the moon came out and we found ourselves fumbling around and making out.

Years later, after I won an Academy Award and came out on national TV, I got a letter from Steph telling me there was still time to change my evil ways, and that she, as a born-again Christian, was praying for me. I wrote back and reminded her that it was that nighttime experience on the sailboat with her that led me down this "depraved" path. I never heard from her again.

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Len Evans, publicist, Project Publicity

I was late in coming out to my family. It was Thanksgiving eve and I went home for the holiday break. I was watching Will & Grace with my mom on the couch in our living room. The episode was about Jack hiding that he was gay from his mother, and Karen and Grace were claiming to be Jack's girlfriends. Out of nowhere, my mother turned to me and said, "This show reminds me of you and your friends. Is there something you want to tell me?" I turned a deep shade of red and my gut reaction was to deny it and pretend I didn't know what she was talking about, but then I heard my voice admitting to her that yes, I'm gay. She hugged me and said she had been waiting for me to tell her for years. I guess it's true that a mother always knows...