One of the pleasures of being a dad who happens to be gay who happens to like man bags is that you can carry a fabulous “dad bag.” I have carried a man bag for years — well, I actually only tote it around if I’m in a big city like Los Angeles or New York, but I always have one with me, usually sitting in my car’s passenger seat. I have a penchant for designer bags — I figure women get jewelry, so I should get bags, shoes, watches, and shades. Since having a kid, I’ve changed the contents of my bag considerably. Here are the details.
First of all, the bag itself needs to be serious, and something you can change out seasonally. Currently I have a leather dark brown Prada number, which is beat up to shit — my favorite way for things to be. It is enormous and easy and resembles a clown car when you empty it out.
- Carmex (cherry flavored) because you gotta keep those blowjob lips looking flawless.
- An iPad just for the kiddo. It needs to be full to the hilt with Disney/Pixar movies and have several brainless games. Ideal for trips to the grocery store — plug them in and say “bye bye.”
- Purell hand gel. I touch so many disgusting surfaces, I can go through a bottle in two days flat.
- A protein bar, because us gay guys can never get enough protein.
- A bottle of Grey Goose vodka. For “first aid” purposes.
- At least four designer shades. Most activities with your kid occur outside, and that’s when pictures are going to be taken, so vary it up to keep yourself looking badass.
- A Montblanc miniature pen, in case you need to jot down something important or jot something down in front of someone to look important.
- A Tide “to go” pen. Seriously the best invention ever. The amount of red wine spilled at play dates is staggering.
- Boscia green tea blotting linens. You’re always on the go, and using these gives you a perfect “just got a facial” appearance.
- A super-gay enormous key chain with a clip. You never want to lose your keys, so the bigger the better. The clip attaches to your bag’s zipper.
- A duplicate of their favorite toy. I have a Lightning McQueen with me at all times, just for emergencies. Also, you can threaten to throw it away if they lose their shit in public.
- A killer wallet. I currently have this Prada black one with little crowns printed all over it to let everyone know who’s king.
- Orbit gum, because see Grey Goose.
- A small bottle of fragrance. After sitting outside on a playground all day, nothing says sexy like smelling unexpectedly amazing.
- Miracle Hand Repair lotion. It truly is a miracle. It turns your hooves into soft, supple hands in seconds.
- An iPhone. At times this can be your only escape, or a perfect way to ignore your family when they’re acting like assholes.