A guide to Broadway for a newly unemployed Lauren Boebert

This story originally appeared on Them.

Hello, Lauren Boebert! This article is for you and only you, but you know that from the headline. It’s been three years since you got yourself thrown out of a Denver production of Beetlejuice for disruptive behavior, including claims that you vaped inside. Video also showed you and your date were groping each other — though you initially claimed the only thing you were guilty of was singing along too emphatically.

Great news for you! Now that you’ve officially lost your campaign for Colorado’s 4th District in the United States House of Representatives — where you moved, in part, to avoid opposition in the state’s 3rd Congressional District — you have all the time in the world to go to all the Broadway and off-Broadway productions you want! It took a while to confirm, but CNN finally projected your loss to Democrat Eileen Laubacher on November 9, just in time for some great theater. Don’t settle for the Denver touring productions, either; come to New York City and see them with all the bells and whistles. There are no more pesky committee meetings for you to attend, and no more advocating against queer and trans rights to do, so your schedule should be totally clear. Hopefully, this time it will be without disruption. Please obey all the posted rules.

As a refresher on the legacy you leave behind as you prepare to pack up your D.C. office, you based several of your campaigns on anti-LGBTQ+ hate, invoking arguments like the myth that queer and trans people “groom” children. Notably, you defended your worst anti-LGBTQ+ tweets in the wake of the 2022 Club Q shooting, during which a gunman opened fire on a Colorado Springs queer bar, killing five people. Throughout your time in office, you also advocated for abortion bans, against gender-affirming care for trans youth, and even argued that people shouldn’t be allowed to make “life-altering decisions about their sexuality and identity” until they’re 21, similar to the legal drinking age. Apparently your constituents didn’t find that comparison very compelling, because come January, you’re out! But there’s a silver lining: After the December holidays, Broadway tickets get a lot cheaper — and without a congressional salary, every penny counts.

Your actions in office suggest you loathe queer and trans people, but somehow… love theater? That doesn’t have to make sense to us, even though it is, for the record, an incredibly gay form of art. No, we’re simply here to help with a list of shows custom-picked for you following your exit. Below, check out a few productions we think you might enjoy after your ejection from public office. Have fun, but not too much fun. New Yorkers get really vocal when people breach theater etiquette. — Quispe López

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

One might hope that you would take some time to reflect on your relatively short-lived political career and reexamine your stance on trans issues. But it’s tough to quit something you’ve been hooked on for several years. So if you wants to line the pockets of an anti-trans author in your copious spare time, might we recommend Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, which J.K. Rowling developed alongside playwright Jack Thorne? To be clear, this is a guide specifically tailored to the needs of you, Lauren Boebert. If you are not Lauren Boebert, please go to a different Broadway production. Might we suggest supporting Anania in The Rocky Horror Show to everyone else? OK, Lauren, back to you.— Samantha Allen

Little Shop of Horrors

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Sometimes, changing hearts and minds starts with figuring out the meaning of an allegorical work of fiction and applying it to real life. Lauren, we present you with Little Shop of Horrors. On the surface, this is just a tale about a man who wants to earn the love of his coworker at a a crumbling flower shop, only to fall prey to the influence of an evil person-eating plant. But we really can glean so much from this story about the dangers of valuing personal gain over human life. Hopefully, the central conflict of the story will help you look inward at what your repetitive animus towards trans people as a scapegoat has actually cost you.

Besides the clear moral of the story, which is the peril of prioritizing profit over people, this Broadway production has some seriously trans-coded characters who will hopefully serve as a gateway toward you understanding actual trans people. Besides, there’s a crass, man-eating plant in this one that might bring back fond memories of your party’s boss. — Quispe López

Oh, Mary!

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This is a play about a politician under suspicion of sleeping with a staffer, so it should be right up your alley, Lauren Boebert! You have, of course, denied the contents of a September ethics complaint alleging that you had relationships with three staffers you supervised, including two women, by saying, “Well, I’m not a lesbian or bisexual, and I have never, ever been in any inappropriate relationship, nor have I ever been sexually involved with any staff.” I will choose to take that at face value. Nonetheless, you might find Abraham Lincoln’s predicament in this campy comedy to be an interesting one. — Samantha Allen

Wicked

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Paranormal Activity

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Lauren, girl, I loved Paranormal Activity so much I’ve seen it twice. You wouldn’t think jump scares and suspense would work on a stage, and yet they do. This production does things with practical effects that made me gasp. Weeks later, I’m still puzzling over some of the tricks I haven’t figured out. But this recommendation isn’t about the quality of the show, it’s about how dark it is inside that theater. Old habits die hard, and if you’re going to get handsy with somebody, you probably stand the least chance of detection here. But please don’t. I watched someone nearly get kicked out for talking at my second go-round. — Samantha Allen

Titanique

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Because going down with the ship is an experience you, well, just had! On Tuesday night, a massive blue tsunami swept Republicans out of office, including many of your colleagues. Even as polls showed that Americans cared more about affordability and the economy, your party doubled down on anti-LGBTQ+ hate. And whoops, you and your friends just found out that particular orange is running out of juice! So why not watch a version of Titanic, but one that softens the tragedy with a lot of Céline Dion. The wounds might still be fresh and levity can help lessen the severity. — Samantha Allen

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