The role we have in raising LGBTQ+ allies

Earlier this week, a friend sent me a video clip of a well-known openly gay celebrity being interviewed about her experience being a lesbian and coming out of the closet. During the interview, she talked about feeling ashamed about being gay because of the "over-exposure" to things like Pride and LGBTQ children's books and how both aren't for kids.

What struck me most was when she said, "I'm gay and ashamed till the day I die."

Along with the video, my friend, who is also openly gay and in a long-term committed relationship with his boyfriend, wrote, "We went from being afraid to come out to this kind of over-exposure that in reality makes many uncomfortable."

Whenever I hear someone say that being LGBTQ "isn't for kids," especially from members of the community, I get curious about the messages they internalized growing up and how they've affected their worldview and self-concept.

It's easy for an openly gay adult to say, "I'm gay and ashamed till the day I die," and wear it as a sort of countercultural badge of honor. But as children, we want to belong and be a part of the group. I sit with LGBTQ clients daily and hear their stories of feeling misunderstood and invalidated as children, which can create lasting developmental challenges and often manifests as sexual or gender identity shame.

I understand that sometimes, the pendulum can swing far in one direction regarding cultural shifts. But visibility is essential, and heteronormativity is a powerful force that sears our psyches. Heteronormativity is the belief, conscious or unconscious, that being heterosexual is the only "normal" sexual expression. Heteronormativity is in everything from the songs we hear on the radio to the greeting cards we shop for at our local Target and the images we see in the articles we read on the internet.

For an LGBTQ person, heteronormativity is like humidity: It's not always something we consciously register, but it's something we can feel.

Growing up in a heteronormative society, it's not possible to entirely escape fragments of queerphobia from unconsciously seeping inside. That's the conscious inner work required of members of the LGBTQ community: to look within our own lives and see if we may be teaching homophobia and transphobia to future generations.

Not everyone is heterosexual or cisgender. Yet we live in a heteronormative world, and many young people spend their days in classrooms and homes that are extensions of the world outside them. Through everything from pop culture to K–12 materials, the messages children receive inside and outside the classroom often put forth a heteronormative worldview.

Activist Adrienne Rich writes, "When someone with the authority of a teacher describes the world and you are not in it, there is a moment of psychic disequilibrium, as if you looked into a mirror and saw nothing." Until we live in a world where the message to young people that being LGBTQ isn't something to fear, the closet will continue to exist—and the closet is a hotbed for shame.

Shame is one of the most detrimental human emotions to have and is highly correlated with suicide. According to the Trevor Project, "more than 1.8 million LGBTQ+ young people (ages 13-24) seriously consider suicide each year in the U.S. — and at least one attempts suicide every 45 seconds."

The Trevor Project, a crisis intervention and suicide prevention organization, as wonderful a group as they are, unfortunately, exists because there are LGBTQ children who think it's not okay to be who they are and would be willing to take their own life rather than be themselves.

TK caption: New York City - June 29, 2013: Members of The Trevor Project with their orange banner marching in the 2013 Gay Pride Parade on Fifth AvenueLEE SNIDER PHOTO IMAGES via Shutterstock

Although same-sex marriage is legally recognized in 36 countries as of 2024, and transgender rights have become an international conversation, queerphobia still exists. It continues to perpetuate the closet and feed shame among ourselves and within the LGBTQ community.

Recent research shows that among LGBTQ youth, addiction, suicide, and homelessness are at an all-time high. Even if we support LGBTQ friends and family members, we grow up in the same society, learn the same religions, and pick up the same subconscious programming about what it means to be a man, a woman, gay, or straight. Even the most accepting families can unintentionally pass along fragments of queerphobic and heteronormative messaging.

What I've learned over the years is that if we don't consciously build love, fear-based forces will come right in. I had always considered myself a good LGBTQ advocate, working hard to create change in the world. It wasn't until I became an uncle that I realized the pervasiveness of homophobia and that I had to go deeper into my own life to uncover the subtle ways in which it continued to show up in my family.

Creating allies and a world where closets don't exist happens one child at a time, and it begins with each of us and what we consciously or subconsciously teach. In an increasingly diverse and connected planet, children need to be taught how to experience acceptance of others and acceptance of self—and acceptance is taught just as easily as intolerance.

It's not enough to provide passive social support; we have to go a step further and help normalize being LGTBQ among new generations. For every youth who is out, there are more in the closet who think they are alone or fear being themselves.

To help, here are seven proactive steps from my book, Raising LGBTQ Allies, that members of the LGBTQ community can use whenever they visit home to help heal homophobia and transphobia, prevent bullying, and be active allies:

1. Consider that at least one child in your family is LGBTQ. This helps to interrupt heteronormative thinking and heal homophobia and transphobia before they begin. It also helps create allies early on.
2. Practice proactive self-introspection. Allyship begins within. Addressing shame within ourselves and our communities is a required part of a proactive prevention process. We can't change something we can't see, so to confront any bias or negative belief, we must be willing to acknowledge that it exists. As with any behavioral modification, lasting change comes from the willingness to recognize, acknowledge, and accept what we want to change.
3. Be inclusive and incorporate LGBTQ examples in everyday conversations—i.e., "Does your friend Jessica have a boyfriend or girlfriend?" By incorporating more LGBTQ-related examples in conversations, we're helping to create a world where being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender is normal and natural.
4. Show support by having LGBTQ-related books at home (I love gifting my nieces and nephews books). Encouraging my nieces and nephews to read is its own gift, but getting them LGBTQ-related children's books has been one of my favorite gifts to give.
5. Create an open, safe, and affirming space. This starts with us and allows children to be who they are and express themselves without fear of being judged.
6. Be vulnerable, ask questions, and have authentic conversations. Even if we don't know what to say, saying that we don't know but are curious and want to learn more lets youth know they are seen and that we are witness to their lives.
7. Be yourself. Each of us is a teacher, and we teach through our demonstrations. We're training the youth by being ourselves—whether we realize it or not.

The most powerful way to teach someone is to embody what we hope to see in their lives. When we consciously build love, live our lives authentically, and do the work within ourselves to heal sexual or gender identity shame, we help raise a new generation of LGBTQ allies.

Chris Tompkins is an LGBTQ-affirming therapist who specializes in gay men's identity and religious trauma. He's also the author of the award-winning book Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground. His work has been featured on TEDx, NBC, HuffPost, Psychology Today, The Advocate, and more. For more information, visit aroadtriptolove.com