Sidekick of Doom

I just watched
the Terrence Howard video for his new single,
“Sanctuary,” on YouTube. Terrence Howard
the actor. Of Crash and “It’s Hard Out
Here for a Pimp” fame. The one that’s
afraid of girl germs. Mr. Baby Wipes. Him. He’s got a
CD out now. He wrote “Sanctuary” after
talking to Seal at a party and getting super envious
that Seal pulled that sweet piece of Klum. Well, he
says he was just so inspired by Seal and
Heidi’s endless love that he wrote a song about it.
But you know he wants her too and scrapped the
song’s probable original title, “T’s
Dream (I Wanna Borrow Your Woman Just for One Sweet
Lovemakin’ Night).” In the video T wears
a white suit and white hat and stops playing and singing
long enough to go take the wand away from the conductor of
the band and show the man how it’s really done.
Then he goes and stands next to the background singer
ladies and sways with them a little. He does not offer
any of them a complimentary container of baby wipes.

This exploration
of Terrence Howard has nothing to do with this week’s
episode of Project Runway. I just felt like
talking about it. And it’s more fun to think about
than, as my friend Mark calls them, the
“Weakest Season Ever Gang.”

Kenley, first
person we hear from this week, has a plan. Ignore advice
from everyone and just do what she does best: design
vintage-inspired cuteness and get away with being mean
to people because she’s so cute herself. But
her reign of
possibly-edited-to-make-her-look-like-more-of-a-bitch-than-she-is
terror feels like it’s coming to an end. Not
this week, because this week is Joe’s turn to
be auf’d. But definitely maybe next. Or not. She
might provide the show’s much-needed
antagonistic drama all the way through to Bryant Park.
I hope so, anyway. I’d still sooner see Suede hit the
road than her. At least her petulant ways are good
TV.

The designers
gather near the runway. Out walks Heidi, looking
song-inspiring. Her hair, though odd this week and pulled in
strange directions and braided around one side for no
apparent reason, still looks right. It’s
inspired me to collaborate with my friends to write our
own song about Heidi Klum. Except I’m alone this
week. Everyone in my house except me is out of town,
off having life adventures. I stay put to do my job,
which is this. So you gotta wait for it.

Heidi brings out
a parade of older women, representing various degrees of
frump and bad makeup. Jerell quickly deduces that this is
not a repeat of the Mom Challenge because all of them
are white. Korto is glad that this isn’t the
Mom Challenge because she would kick your fucking ass if you
said one negative thing about her mother. She doesn’t
use language that strong to get her point across. But
you know she would. Heidi tells the designers that
they aren’t making clothes for the women on
the stage. Cut to Leanne, fake-wiping imaginary sweat
from her bangs. She’s relieved because old
people are disgusting and lumpy. Again, doesn’t
say exactly that, but you can read between the
lines.

Then out come the
women’s daughters. The designers are going to create
a just-graduated-from-college-and-look-out-world
outfit for the young ladies. Heidi tells the designers
which grad they’re going to get.
Responses:

1. Joe gives that
fake half-smile he delivers when he can’t think of
anything else to do.

2. Kenley
immediately assesses her girl as “sweet ... she
reminds me of me.”

3. Jerell also
sees himself in his tall, skinny client and sketches up
“a high-waist pencil skirt, kind of blousy on
top, and a man’s-style cardigan. Kind of covers
her up a little bit, but it’s still flirty and
sexy in its own little awkward way. Just like her. And
ME!”