Those seeking accurate paleontological depictions of dinosaurs will be disappointed by the inevitable parody that is "Jurassic Porn." Everyone else, however, is sure to be delighted.
"The hunting will be happening," promises a trailer for an unexpectedly Thai porn parody of Jurassic Park. The story seems to center on an animal trainer recruited by a drag queen to manage dinosaurs at a zoo. They break loose, chase the humans, and after some slow jogging, everyone settles down to take off their clothes and make out. Just like in the original.
The movie is the latest contribution to the surprisingly fertile genre of dinosaur erotica. For years, Amazon ebooks have offered such promising titles as A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay, and Space Raptor Butt Invasion. An internet-famous video features a woman and a group of pterodactyls besieging her with their human genitals, glassy-eyed lizard heads staring into the distance as she moans. If you're willing to expand your definition of dinosaur to include dragons, drawings of the creatures becoming intimate with cars can easily be located online. In this context, Jurassic Porn is a worthy addition.
With the benefit of hindsight, it may seem obvious that creating a park full of dangerous dinosaurs is a recipe for disaster, particularly if it is staffed entirely by men who are unable to resist having sex with each other. As Jeff Goldblum would surely have pointed out, if he had been available to appear in this film, it's simply impossible to control the biological sex drives of any species. Whether it's a park full dinosaurs that have apparently been bred to resemble rubber suits, or a group of sex-crazed young men listlessly reciting dialogue until it is time to undress, life finds a way.
The movie begins with seemingly happier, simpler times. "Dance," commands the trainer, and the two dinosaurs jiggle limply as onlookers smile. But there is perhaps already a sinister tinge to the proceedings: do the dinosaurs want to dance, or are have they been forced into a power relationship that debases them and robs them of agency? Created by scientific forces they can't possibly understand, raised in a world they cannot recognize, what future lies ahead of them? Are they creatures out of time, lonely and adrift? And do they have penises or what?
These questions may never be answered. Few answers lie in the trailer, the screenshots of naked men in a forest, or the movie's description, which reads simply, "English subtitles." Or it's possible that all may be revealed by simply downloading the movie. But can one truly put a price on the existential mystery of creatures that have escaped from the deepest recesses of our imaginations?
Yes, one can. It is $5, via Paypal.
Get Jurassic with the trailer below.