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Our Favorite Good Christian, Um, "Belles"

Our Favorite Good Christian, Um, "Belles"

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The show many LGBTs are eagerly awaiting is finally premiering March 4: Kristin Chenoweth's GCB on ABC. The catty, campy hoedown sounds a bit like Desperate Housewives meets Suburgatory, and frankly, we can't wait. In honor of the new series, which has gone from being called Good Christian Bitches to Good Christian Belles, Untitled Kristin Chenoweth Project, and finally GCB, we've come up with our favorite good Christian bitches from film, TV, politics, and, well, the real world.



Sloane from
Are You There, Chelsea?

Playing her real-life big sister, in NBC's sitcom based on Chelsea Handler's boozy, slutty memoir, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me Chelsea, lets Handler bring her sardonic wit and comic timing to a character you almost love to hate, except. well, you sort of love her more than Laura Prepon's character Chelsea. Confused yet? Tune in and listen to Sloane complain about Chelsea's lifestyle, her drinking, her hedonism, her competitive nature in a way that only loving sisters can. Example: this exchange between Sloane and Chelsea after the latter woman must be bailed out of jail for her drunken shenanigans (and then check out the show's Wikiquote for more of Sloane's bons mots). -- Diane Anderson-Minshall

Sloane: Thank you for getting arrested, by the way. I really enjoyed using a prison toilet for the first time. And hopefully my unborn baby will enjoy her chlamydia. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and my husband's in Afghanistan, and you're the one who's supposed to drive me to the hospital. I am tired of bailing you out.
Chelsea: Sloane, you never bail me out. Yes, I see the irony.
Sloane: I lived with you in the basement for a week after you wrecked dad's car.
Chelsea: Nobody is a good driver when they're 13.
Sloane: And what about the time I handled Dad when you and Olivia had those Marines in your bedroom?
Chelsea: It was Veterans Day. We were being patriotic.
Sloane: Holding a flag between your legs is not patriotism.
Chelsea: I'm really changing things. I even prayed in the holding cell, Sloane.
Sloane: Vodka is not the Lord.
Chelsea: Are you sure? They're both invisible and have a hand in unexplained pregnancies.

Mrs. Betty Bowers

Self-professed as "America's Best Christian," the tirelessly devoted Bowers operates several Christian ministries such as Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers" (B.I.T.C.H.) and Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals (B.A.S.H.). The zealot (a fictional creation from writer Paul A. Bradley and personified by comedian Deven Green) is determined to inform you that you're a terrible hell-bound sinner.

Watch Bowers explain the Bible's definition of marriage below. -Jeremy Kinser

Tammy Faye Bakker (Messner)

The late Tammy Faye Messner, the flashy ex-wife of disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker, is still imitated by drag queens in some parts of the country as they fall into a mess of tears and eyelashes. Imitation, in this case, is a compliment to her perseverance.

RuPaul narrated The Eyes of Tammy Faye, a documentary about her life that ran at Outfest in 2000 after premiering at Sundance. It was directed by Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato, the gay creators of Becoming Chaz, Inside Deep Throat, and Party Monster.

Messner (who took her second husband's name) was hailed as a "gay icon" by Slate after she died in 2007, noting she had always refused to denounce gay people during her husband's telecast and once called for sympathy for AIDS patients. She became a regular at gay pride events. "When we lost everything, it was the gay people that came to my rescue, and I will always love them for that," she said in her last interview. --Lucas Grindley

Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women

Designing Women's Julia Sugarbaker may not have been as bitchy or as much of a belle as her sister, former beauty queen Suzanne, but she was a feisty, outspoken liberal -- and a hymn-singing Christian. Word was that whenever the show's producers wanted conservative actress Dixie Carter to spout some ultraliberal lines as Julia, they had to promise her a musical number; luckily, her singing was as good as her acting. We hope the late Carter at least shared Julia's pro-gay sentiments. In one memorable episode (below), after a design client says AIDS is God's punishment for gays, Julia responds, "If God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases as punishment for sinning, then you would be at the free clinic all the time." --Trudy Ring

Jan Crouch from the Trinity Broadcasting Network

What Tammy Faye Bakker was to eyelashes, Jan Crouch is to wigs. Big, purple wigs.

While her "hair" is the first thing you notice, her makeup likely comes second, and then thirdly the crying, which is seemingly constant on the Trinity Broadcast Network, the self-declared "world's largest" Christian channel that she runs with her husband out of Orange County, Calif. The 70-something Jan actually seems pretty nice, though gay-inclusive may be stretching it. Only her inner circle really knows what Jan's like when the wig comes off.

Harriet Hayes on Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip

We all remember Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, Aaron Sorkin's self-important show within a show, that was basically a take on Saturday Night Live, right? No? Nobody? Well, for comedy nerds the show was actually fun to watch, and one of the bright spots was real-life lesbian Sarah Paulson's character Harriet Hayes, a Christian whose beliefs often clashed with the more agnostic executive producers. But as much as the "Crazy Christians" sketch was the bane of her existence on the show, so was her very non-Christian ex Matt Albie, played by Matthew Perry:

Matt Albie: Isn't it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man, and Joseph stepped up so his wife wouldn't get stoned to death by the village?
Harriet Hayes: No.
Matt Albie: It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?
Harriet Hayes: He's not David Copperfield!

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Our Favorite Good Christian, Um, "Belles"

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