With entertainment news source The Wrap reporting that Donald Trump’s inauguration committee chair is having difficulty finding celebrity performers to play music at the January event, we have some suggestions.
Sure, maybe we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here. But you’re just not going to get Elton John or Katy Perry to appear at this mess. It’s time for Trump’s team to set some more realistic goals. Scroll through to see our suggestions.
1. Aaron Carter
Best known for being the younger brother of one of the backstreet boys, Aaron Carter endorsed Trump in an interview with People magazine last February, saying, “For me, I like somebody who likes to defy the odds, such as myself.” OK, nice brag. We can see Trump getting behind this guy. He followed it up with some Trump-class braggadocious vagueness: “I’m too intelligent for you guys – like people who don’t understand politics. I have a lot more information than I’ve given out.” Sounds like the perfect match. Oh wait. This just in: It looks like the former child hip-hop star actually reversed his endorsement of Trump two months later after having “seen a lot… too many reasons.” If we can't even get someone who's famous for rapping about being grounded, maybe let’s see who’s on the E-list.
2. A Brad Paisley impersonator
While country musician Brad Paisley’s music appeals to the white working-class Christian demographic, with songs like “Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday” (a screed against “political correctness) and “Accidental Racist” (a watery apology for a straw man of racism), it turns out the man himself is an Obama supporter who pissed off his Republican fans when he compared the GOP to the WWE. So maybe if we could just get someone else to perform his songs…? OK, we're starting to actually feel bad for whoever has to rustle up these acts.
3. USA Freedom Kids
“Cowardice. Are you serious? Apologies for freedom. I can’t handle this.” The little girls who thus opened their creepy jingoist anthem at a Donald Trump rally in Pensacola, Fla., should be available to perform. Trump crowds seem to enjoy mechanically clapping to Sparkle Motion-style choreography and peppy lyrics like “Come on boys, take ‘em down. President Donald Trump knows that to make America great, deal from strength or get crushed every time.” Oh, wait, nope. Turns out the Stepford singers actually ended up suing Trump for failing to provide their agreed-upon compensation. Let’s not mention that fact to anyone further down this list.
4. Kanye West
Kanye is undeniably the biggest celebrity willing to publicly hitch his wagon to Trump’s (death) star. The fact that he was recently hospitalized after a mental breakdown is probably unrelated. Trump and Kanye seem made for each other, lately, but the question is whether Trump’s supporters, the same people who recently freaked out about a black mall Santa, would stand for a black man rapping, “I Am a God.” Not to mention the high probability that Trump would mistake Kanye for a protester and have him thrown out.
5. Victoria Jackson
A former actress with a voice like an icepick in your ear who got rejected from a Weird Al movie, Victoria Jackson has in recent years reinvented herself as a loony Tea Party spokesperson and bizarro Joan Baez of sorts. With “hilarious” songs like “People We Have A Problem” and “I Hate You,” she seems like another good fit for such an occasion. Of course, her biggest hit, “There’s a Communist in the White House,” which only very tenuously qualifies as a song, might not play as well now that the Russians have literally put their man in the White House.
6. Tiffany Trump
As a last resort, Trump can always turn to his own family. Who knew his most forgotten progeny actually released a pop song about… well, who knows? Following in the footsteps of fellow hotel-heiress-cum-autotuned-poptart Paris Hilton, Tiffany dropped some real poetry on us: “Diamonds are so shimmery, special things uncover me… Everybody’s partying, obsessing over crazy things. I just want serenity while living it up.” That’s the sort of messaging a blue-collar electorate can surely connect with.
7. The Bolshoi Ballet Company
Maybe it’s time to just rip off the Band-Aid and accept Russia as our new cultural overlord. By the end of four years, I imagine we’ll all be drinking vodka in fur hats in bread lines humming the “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” while the polar ice caps melt. So let’s at least welcome all the best parts of Russian culture, which are, um, ballet and those little nesting dolls. And beets. I think they eat like really nice beets. (Note: Sorry if I seem a little ignorant about Russia; not a super big vacation destination for gay people). Anyway, the Bolshoi ballet is the only entry on this list I would actually watch, so how about it, Trump campaign? You're welcome.