Sissy Political Party -- The Republicans
If there's one thing right-wing pols like better
than blocking gay rights, it's having gay sex.
And 2007 gave us multiple orgasms: U.S. senator
Larry Craig introduced us to the term "wide
stance" when he was busted in a Minnesota
airport for putting the moves on an undercover cop in
the next stall. Craig pled guilty but held on to his seat
(no, the one in the Senate). National
Association of Evangelicals president Ted Haggard, outed as
a regular customer by a gay hustler, magically became
heterosexual after just three weeks in rehab. Lindsay
Lohan would kill her dealer for results like
that. Glenn Murphy Jr., newly elected chair of
the Young Republican National Federation, resigned in
August after his arrest for performing oral sex on a
sleeping acquaintance. In 1998 he'd committed a
similar crime on a dude whose girlfriend was in the
same room! Florida state representative Bob Allen
offered to pay an undercover cop $20 to let Allen give
him a blow job in a restroom. Preferring to play it
racist rather than gay, Allen claimed he'd acted out
of fear of the African-American men hanging out
nearby. Result: He looked racist, gay, and stupid.
Allen had been John McCain's presidential campaign
cochair for Florida.
Sissy Extracurricular Activity of the Year --
Public bathroom sex
Jim Naugle, mayor of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., lobbied his
city to spend $250,000 on "robo-toilets"
in order to discourage gay men from having sex in
public restrooms. Naugle said he was fighting to keep gays
from taking over the city. Only two problems with that
reasoning: There'd been no recent arrests for
sex in restrooms, and anyway, Jim, it's not so much
gay men in all those stalls -- it's guys like the 20 men
arrested in one month at a New York roadside restroom.
Nineteen of them (including a Rotary Club president)
were married. The 20th? A Catholic priest.
Sissy Vacation Destination -- Fort Lauderdale
Gay visitors to the Florida vacation spot have more to
worry about than automated pissoirs. You might get
verbally queer-bashed at the airport. In May, as a law
professor and his partner waited for their luggage, a
voice on the P.A. system started reading from Leviticus,
saying, "A man who lies with another man as he would
a woman is subject to death." The mystery
evangelist did not share the Bible's views about
parking in a red zone.
Sissy Grandpa -- Vice President Dick Cheney
Mary Cheney had a baby in May, and Mary's proud
papa huffed to interviewers that any questions about
the blessed event were "out of line."
Does the VP know his alleged boss referred to Mary and her
partner, Heather Poe, as the child's
"parents" on the White House website?
Second Verse, Sissy as the First -- Pope Benedict XVI
It wouldn't be a sissy roundup without the
pederast enablers at the Vatican. Prada-wearing devil
Pope Benedict XVI reminded us that the Roman Catholic
Church's opposition to gay marriage is
"nonnegotiable," and an archbishop
kicked in that same-sex marriage is "evil."
Meanwhile a Vatican monsignor, caught on hidden camera
making advances to a youth, claimed that he was only
pretending as part of his ministry. Is that what the
kids are calling it these days?
Sissy Word of the Year -- FAGGOT!
An oldie but a goodie, this epithet had a banner year in
2007. Isaiah Washington allegedly used the word on the
set of Grey's Anatomy, definitely used it at
the Golden Globes telecast, then went into "gay
rehab" and hired a gay publicist. Results: Washington
got fired, GLAAD got a new celebrity PSA, and classy
costar T.R. Knight got better story lines.
Media opportunist Ann Coulter hurled the f taunt at
John Edwards, leading to a public smackdown from the
awesome Elizabeth Edwards and, regrettably, lots more
TV time for Coulter. CBS Sports college
basketball announcer Billy Packer -- who, with a name
like that, obviously has issues -- used the term "fag
out" on Charlie Rose. Rose's viewers
were so shocked they woke up.
Sissy Candy of the Year -- Snickers
Remember this fun Super Bowl commercial? Two mechanics
eat a Snickers bar from opposite ends and wind up
accidentally meeting in a kiss. Ew! To restore the
manly vibe, one of them slams a car hood down on his
buddy's head. On the Snickers website folks
enjoyed three other versions of the ad, all violent,
plus clips of Super Bowl players watching the spots and
making faces of disgust when the dudes kiss. Sweet!
Sissy Sportsman of the Year -- Tim Hardaway
When retired NBA player John Amaechi came out, ex-player
Tim Hardaway favored a radio interviewer with the
following: "Well, you know, I hate gay people,
so I let it be known, I don't like gay people. I
don't like to be around gay people. Yeah,
I'm homophobic. I don't like it. It
shouldn't be in the world for that or in the United
States for that. So yeah, I don't like
it." Hardaway later said he's sorry. But we
knew that already.
Sissy Cinema -- Tie: Wild Hogs and I Now
Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Because you can't really choose between a
midlife-crisis movie about four suburbanites who love
to wear leather and ride motorcycles but are TOTALLY
IN NO WAY GAY and a comedy about two straight firemen who
get civil-unionized for the health benefits but are
TOTALLY IN NO WAY GAY.
Sissy Celebrities -- Mark Wahlberg and John Travolta
Of course, actors were perfectly capable of saying
stupid things even if they weren't appearing in
awful movies: Former underwear model Mark
Wahlberg says he turned down the chance to be in
Brokeback Mountain because the script
"creeped him out." Mind you, this is the
guy who said yes to Four Brothers and The
Truth About Charlie.Wild Hogs star John Travolta told the press
there was "nothing gay" about
Hairspray. Except its gay director. And the gay
director of the original movie. And the gay men who wrote
the songs. And several of its stars.
Sissy Stud -- Marine Corporal Matt Sanchez
The Iraq War vet became a right-wing poster boy when he
complained about being silenced by student activists
at Columbia University. After he posed for pictures
with the sulfur-reeking Ann Coulter and took his
conservative-victim shtick to Fox News, it turned out
Sanchez was already a celebrity in gay circles -- as
man-on-man porn star Rod Majors and as (shades of Jeff
Gannon) an escort. Shut up!
Sissy Waste of Space -- Paris Hilton
Arrests aside, it was still a spotty year for the
heiress (and onetime grand marshal of the Los Angeles
gay pride parade). In early 2007 an old tape surfaced
in which she used both the n and f
words; in September, paparazzi video showed Hilton stepping
into a puddle and observing, "Oh, my God, I
have, like, AIDS."
Sissy Bloviator -- Bill O'Reilly
Fox's star windbag keeps claiming he "gets
it" about gays. Oh, really? Check out these
O'Reilly insights: There's a
"national underground network" of lesbians
terrorizing the nation, raping women, randomly
attacking hetero men, and indoctrinating young girls.
(O'Reilly later admitted this was
"overstated.") It was
"insane" and "inappropriate" for
the San Diego Padres to host a gay pride night at the
same game where kids under 12 got free hats.
"Thousands of gay adults showed up and commingled
with straight families," he reported.
J.K. Rowling is a "provocateur" for saying
that Harry Potter's Professor Dumbledore is
gay. Huffed O'Reilly: "Many parents are
worried in America about the gay agenda and
indoctrination of their children to see homosexuality
in a certain way." (In this same segment,
O'Reilly had to be told that Rowling is a
Stop-the-Presses Sissies -- The Hollywood Reporter
Both tried to yank THR writer Ray
Richmond's obituary of Merv Griffin because it
discussed Griffin's homosexuality -- the
worst-kept secret in show business outside Kenny
Sissy Internationale -- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
At a speech at Columbia University, the Iranian
president claimed that his country had no homosexuals.
Not true, actually -- but not for lack of trying on
-- Gen. Peter Pace During his tenure as chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Pace called
homosexuality "immoral" and compared it to
adultery. Pace did not comment on rumors that his
mother wears combat boots.
Senatorial Sissy -- Dianne Feinstein
Whatever mojo the California senator got out of shakily
announcing the murder of Harvey Milk officially
expired when the right-leaning Democrat -- "Joe
Lieberman in a dress," to some wags -- jumped the
aisle and approved the nomination of Judge Leslie
Southwick for the fifth circuit court of appeals.
Southwick had advocated removing gay parents'
biological children from their homes.
Supersissy -- Spirit Warriors
After Marvel Comics finally stopped slapping an
adults-only label on any comic book with a gay or
lesbian character, born-again actor Stephen Baldwin --
a.k.a. the boring Baldwin -- promoted his crappy Jesus-y
graphic novel Spirit Warriors in this press
release: "With the most prominent comic book company
lightening up its rating system, how can parents be
sure their youngsters won't get their hands on
Shabbat Sissies -- Haredi Rabbis and Followers
After extremist rabbis from the Eda Haredit sect put a
curse on Jerusalem Pride, a Jerusalem city council
member and representative of the city's gays
and lesbians received death threats; his phone number had
been posted on Haredi Web forums. Moments before the pride
parade began, police arrested an ultra-Orthodox Jewish
man carrying an explosive device.
"Who Would Jesus Smear?" Sissies -- Focus
on the Family and the American Family Association
When former Joint Chiefs chairman John
Shalikashvili came out against "don't
ask, don't tell," the good folks at Focus and
AMA painted the U.S. Army general as a dupe of
homosexual activists who took advantage after he
suffered a debilitating stroke. The stroke, alas, happened