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If Edwards is the
f word, what word is Coulter?

If Edwards is the
f word, what word is Coulter?


Ann Coulter tried to explain away her antigay remark about Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards as a mere "schoolyard taunt." But as comedian Jim David points out, the calculating blond pressmonger knew exactly what she was doing--and her deliberate verbal gaffe betrays the conservative spirit at its most vile.

Just when you thought we were all safe from the f word, Little Miss Sunshine, a.k.a. Ann Coulter, shows up at the Conservative Political Action Conference, a.k.a. the Reichstag, and knocks Anna Nicole's baby off the news by calling John Edwards a "faggot." "C'mon, it's just a joke," she said of this brilliant bit of Swiftian satire, explaining that she was trying to poke fun at the Isaiah Washington controversy. The f word, she said, was a "schoolyard taunt" that means "wuss" or "sissy" and has nothing to do with gay people. Golly, I seem to remember a remarkably similar schoolyard taunt directed at me by similar satirists in the ninth grade, which resulted in a black eye and a sprained wrist. It was accompanied by the brilliant lampoon "gay boy" (another ribald retort Coulter has used), but since my face was being smashed in at the time, the humor escaped me. It's nice to know--at last--that it had nothing to do with my being gay and that the guys were just practicing their budding stand-up skills. Even though I'm out, maybe I don't get out enough. I've heard "wuss" used to describe, well, a wuss, but any moron knows that "faggot," if not directly meant as antigay, is pretty freakin' close. I guess I wasn't brought up in the right place. In England, a "fag" is a cigarette, and "bitch" refers to a female dog. That goes for Merican canine, too, though it's more commonly used as a slur against women. To paraphrase Rodney Dangerfield, if you look up "bitch" in the dictionary, there's Ann's picture. C'mon, it's just a joke. Coulter has the right to call a presidential candidate a faggot in public or to say that liberals should worry about being killed, as she previously has, as long as I retain the right to call her proof of the need for retroactive abortion. C'mon, it's just a joke. Oh, wait, she got me--I've been dragged down to her level. Not only that, I'm talking about her, again. Who said, "There's no such thing as bad publicity?" Coulter should buy them a Mercedes. But why even go there, for heaven's sake? Why swim in all that negative energy? Because Coulter and her comrades Limbaugh, Hannity, and Savage have lowered the tenor of the debate to the point that the only response is another "schoolyard taunt" or the actual threat of physical violence. You can't reason with these people. The only thing you can do, to preserve your sanity, is ignore them completely or express your displeasure to the organizations that promote them. Coulter fancies herself an actual joke writer and has compared herself, astonishingly, to H.L Mencken and Jonathan Swift. Why she doesn't just compare herself to Ernest Hemingway and put a bullet in her head, I'll never know. C'mon, it's just a joke. After watching her CPAC speech, I can state, after 20 years' experience as a comedian, that none of her "jokes" would have gotten her a spot at any comedy club in America. I understand her defense of her "faggot" joke as really making a joke about the PC police condemning Washington. But it's horseshit, because she knew that the use of the f word was going to get her a ton of free publicity. She eats this stuff for breakfast. Great comedy amuses people on both sides of the aisle. When a comic makes a joke, he or she is just trying to get a laugh and perhaps make a point. Coulter is actually trying to affect U.S. government policies, which makes her act a lot more heinous. And besides, conservatives can't do comedy. They can only preach to the converted, merely smearing people and whipping up their fan base. Have you seen the Fox News Daily Show spin-off she's part of? It's a train wreck. And it's important to realize that even though American voters kicked conservatives in the nuts and told them to get lost last November, they are notoriously big babies and sore losers, so they squirm and scream like fourth-graders and use words like "traitor," "un-American," and now the f bomb. Annie is their very Botoxed public face. Besides, they've called us faggots for years. What else is new? What's new is that she said it at a gathering of the nation's top Republicans, who laughed and applauded. That was the real horror. You almost expected Michael Richards to follow her with his n word greatest hits. The bigwigs in tow included Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Sam Brownback, and Little Dickie Cheney, who, as usual when a public figure uses a vile put-down of the group to which his daughter belongs, said nothing. What a wuss. People spend way too much time thinking about Coulter. I admit that sometimes while channel-surfing at night and coming across her yammering death mask, the most vile thoughts enter my head. I picture jumping up and down on her in a parking lot like Donald Sutherland on Jackie Earle Haley in The Day of the Locust and--ooh, she got me again. Damn. I resent her for invading my brain with such negativity. It's only got so much room. All Coulter has ever done is make people furious. That's it. She makes liberals furious who see through her act, her endless lies, and the nails-on-the-blackboard sound of her voice, and whips conservatives into fury against liberals. It's the unabashed hate twisted into a well-turned phrase that's so depressing. I want no part of it. Life is short. But, frankly, I hope she keeps it up. I wouldn't put it past her to call Barack Obama the n word and then defend herself by saying it's a term of endearment among blacks and has nothing to do with racism. The viler she gets, the worse her followers--and the Fox dittoheads who support her--seem. If you want to protest her advertisers and promoters, have at it. But the fact that she has become the face of modern conservatism is fine with me. They all say "faggot" behind our backs. I trust that the majority of Americans will see that if they give power back to these bozos, this is what they will get.

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