For me, the show
is over for the season.
Here are the main
reasons. All of them are true.
1. Sweet P gets
eliminated this week.
2. That means
Christian is going to win. He's the most talented
designer of the season. He may be the most talented
designer of all the seasons.
3. If he
doesn't win, then I don't want to know about
4. I still have
to think about Rami. Now that Ricky is gone, I can start
disliking Rami. It won't have the fervor of my Ricky
antipathy, because Rami isn't even the same
ballpark of annoying. But Rami's clothes --
while very wearable, sophisticated, and beautiful for ladies
who want to feel sophisticated and beautiful -- are as
interesting to me as the outcome of Make Me a
Supermodel. He even says, early in this episode,
"I'm not here to make noise." And
that's a fact. He's here to twist fabric
around and drape it over a boob. Sometimes two boobs.
AND I COULDN'T GIVE A FLYING RAT'S ASS. Even
if it was that one rat with Patton Oswalt's
I've checked out of this show -- and yes, I saw all
the pictures from Fashion Week where the three
finalists and two decoys showed, including Sweet
P's adorable stuff and Chris's wacky costuming
and Rami's surprisingly not-all-Grecian-all-the-time
pieces and Jillian's very decent coat-a-palooza
and Christian's directional, weird, wonderful
line that stood head and shoulders above them all --
I'm just going to pretend it's an
elimination night on American Idol and list it
for you. Look, everyone needs a week where they take
it easy. And next week I'll be in Texas watching this
show at my mom's nursing home, where fashion is
about those slippers with the grippy pads on the
bottom, so there'll be plenty of intrigue then.
*Another shot of
Chris in that blue bathrobe. Dude, that thing is way too
small for you. It's not supposed to look like
you're a giant baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling
clothes. I promise you that if you ever visit Los
Angeles, I will take you to Rochester Big and Tall and
we'll get one that fits you. It's pretty
sweet, that place. And they give you free candy. Not
making that up, either. I'm just trying to help a
brother out here.
elimination. "Models," says Heidi,
"this is a competition for you too (at least
that is what they tell me) and winner gets --
At this moment
Heidi begins to physically evaporate along with her empty
promise of something good for the model who wins the
so-called model competition.
*Tim Gunn takes
them all to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Their task is
to become inspired by the art and make a piece based on the
thing they like the most. I love that challenge. My
husband/partner/whatever does too. He keeps shouting
"Guernica!" over and over. But
here's what I'd like to see happen:
a Chris Burden-inspired garment in which Nina Garcia is
given a gun and shoots the model in the arm as she walks
down the runway. The dress will be pure white and the
model's spraying artery will be the in-process
final bit of detailing.
--Rami will dress
Yoko Ono in a black outfit, seat her in a chair, and
invite all the judges to cut pieces off of it.
split an entire cow lengthwise down the middle, dress half
of it like a Lady Viking Warrior with a three-foot-tall pink
cotton-candy wig, submerge it in formaldehyde in a
Plexiglas tank, and then make the world's
biggest cheeseburger with the other half of the animal.
--Sweet P is
going to re-create Judy Chicago's Dinner Party
by covering muslin with heavy ceramic plates and
utensils. Each plate will feature a handpainted
message of feminist import, like, "Ain't I a
Woman?!" and "Suck My Left One!"
going to re-create Thomas Kinkade's The Christmas
Cottage out of Twizzlers.
happens is that Rami makes a beeline to Aphrodite, Christian
wants to outfit Tilda Swinton in a Spanish men's
military costume, Sweet P chooses a peacock theme,
Chris is going for 18th-century ruffles, ruffles, and
more ruffles, and Jillian wants to outfit an Argonaut.
sewing. Then more sewing sewing sewing.
is a little turd. Not that I care. In fact,
I'm all for it. But he is one. He mocks
Jillian's slowness. She tells him to shut up.
He says, "Don't get bitchy." But see,
son, you're the bitch here, not sweet, anemic
little Jillian. She just wants to steam and pleat in
peace. Behave. Or don't. I like it when
you're a bitch. Carry on. But do use English words
properly, all right? "Me and him," as in
"Chris's dress looks exactly like the one
me and him made earlier," isn't correct. Ever.
it's that Collier Strong guy from
L'Oreal. He's bored us all before.
And now he's back. This'll be amazing. People
say things during this segment like, "I love a
really strong brow." I know, it's electric.
*Chris takes a
nap. Tim Gunn wakes him up. Tells him to get back to work.
Chris thinks his piece is done. Tim tells him to add to it.
Chris says no.
a little about his time working at Alexander McQueen in
London. Then Tim Gunn comes in to consult (a.k.a. lavish
affection on his pet). "I love the white
shirt," says Tim Gunn.
"I do too. It's fabulous. And the blouse looks
so good on me."
Tim Gunn throws
back his head and laughs. Those adoption papers are being
drawn up backstage right now. Tim Gunn does have advice,
however, about cohesion and what will work with what,
etc. Then says, "It's the last
challenge. Three people are going to Fashion Week."
"I know, Lady! Don't you worry."
This show just
redeemed itself for the entire season. I'm back on
board. I wonder how long it would take for one of my
gays to punch me in the face if I started calling them
all "lady" from now on? I'm going to
find out. Back in the day the inverts used to use the
feminine pronoun all the time. It ain't cool
these days, obviously, since everybody's trying to be
butch and real-man 24/7. But c'mon. It'd be
funny. I'm going to get started.
*Sweet P is
setting herself up for epic FAIL. Her peacock-inspired dress
has nothing in common with peacocks and everything in common
with a sad Flannery O'Connor story.
*Tim Gunn tells
Rami that his dress is stunning.
"It's what I do."
And do and do and
day the models come in, get fitted, get makeupped, get
haired-up, get on the runway and walk. Chris's dress
looks almost exactly like the winning rufflesplosion
he and Christian created a couple weeks ago.
Jillian's Argonaut coat is pretty rad. Very severe
and black over a shiny gold thing. Enough to make you
night-blind. Sweet P's is a mess of incoherent
color blocks and I don't even know what else. Rami
dress is more do do do do do. Christian's is
amazing, like if Grace Jones decided to change races,
become white, and then turn into a conquistador who was
also a pirate, taking the stage to sing "Bela
Lugosi's Dead" before detaching her
codpiece to reveal a mechanical penis that expands into a
Roberto Cavalli says the following things (in subtitled
English even though he's speaking his version of
English) about Christian's garment.
luhverrymash becuz I no
I can see you show inehfutureyacollection...
speciallyindebeckuhveddymuch. I weel be
deliberate. Roberto Cavalli continues to require subtitles.
Jillian is safe. Sweet P is out. Poor Sweet P. Chris and
Rami are tied. So next week there's gonna be a