Lady!

For me, the show is over for the season.

Here are the main reasons. All of them are true.

1. Sweet P gets eliminated this week.

2. That means Christian is going to win. He's the most talented designer of the season. He may be the most talented designer of all the seasons.

3. If he doesn't win, then I don't want to know about that.

4. I still have to think about Rami. Now that Ricky is gone, I can start disliking Rami. It won't have the fervor of my Ricky antipathy, because Rami isn't even the same ballpark of annoying. But Rami's clothes -- while very wearable, sophisticated, and beautiful for ladies who want to feel sophisticated and beautiful -- are as interesting to me as the outcome of Make Me a Supermodel. He even says, early in this episode, "I'm not here to make noise." And that's a fact. He's here to twist fabric around and drape it over a boob. Sometimes two boobs. AND I COULDN'T GIVE A FLYING RAT'S ASS. Even if it was that one rat with Patton Oswalt's voice.

So, because I've checked out of this show -- and yes, I saw all the pictures from Fashion Week where the three finalists and two decoys showed, including Sweet P's adorable stuff and Chris's wacky costuming and Rami's surprisingly not-all-Grecian-all-the-time pieces and Jillian's very decent coat-a-palooza and Christian's directional, weird, wonderful line that stood head and shoulders above them all -- I'm just going to pretend it's an elimination night on American Idol and list it for you. Look, everyone needs a week where they take it easy. And next week I'll be in Texas watching this show at my mom's nursing home, where fashion is about those slippers with the grippy pads on the bottom, so there'll be plenty of intrigue then.

What happens:

*Another shot of Chris in that blue bathrobe. Dude, that thing is way too small for you. It's not supposed to look like you're a giant baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes. I promise you that if you ever visit Los Angeles, I will take you to Rochester Big and Tall and we'll get one that fits you. It's pretty sweet, that place. And they give you free candy. Not making that up, either. I'm just trying to help a brother out here.

*Model elimination. "Models," says Heidi, "this is a competition for you too (at least that is what they tell me) and winner gets -- "

At this moment Heidi begins to physically evaporate along with her empty promise of something good for the model who wins the so-called model competition.

*Tim Gunn takes them all to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Their task is to become inspired by the art and make a piece based on the thing they like the most. I love that challenge. My husband/partner/whatever does too. He keeps shouting "Guernica!" over and over. But here's what I'd like to see happen:

--Christian does a Chris Burden-inspired garment in which Nina Garcia is given a gun and shoots the model in the arm as she walks down the runway. The dress will be pure white and the model's spraying artery will be the in-process final bit of detailing.

--Rami will dress Yoko Ono in a black outfit, seat her in a chair, and invite all the judges to cut pieces off of it.

--Chris will split an entire cow lengthwise down the middle, dress half of it like a Lady Viking Warrior with a three-foot-tall pink cotton-candy wig, submerge it in formaldehyde in a Plexiglas tank, and then make the world's biggest cheeseburger with the other half of the animal.

--Sweet P is going to re-create Judy Chicago's Dinner Party by covering muslin with heavy ceramic plates and utensils. Each plate will feature a handpainted message of feminist import, like, "Ain't I a Woman?!" and "Suck My Left One!"

--Jillian is going to re-create Thomas Kinkade's The Christmas Cottage out of Twizzlers.

*What really happens is that Rami makes a beeline to Aphrodite, Christian wants to outfit Tilda Swinton in a Spanish men's military costume, Sweet P chooses a peacock theme, Chris is going for 18th-century ruffles, ruffles, and more ruffles, and Jillian wants to outfit an Argonaut.

*Sewing sewing sewing. Then more sewing sewing sewing.

*Christian is a little turd. Not that I care. In fact, I'm all for it. But he is one. He mocks Jillian's slowness. She tells him to shut up. He says, "Don't get bitchy." But see, son, you're the bitch here, not sweet, anemic little Jillian. She just wants to steam and pleat in peace. Behave. Or don't. I like it when you're a bitch. Carry on. But do use English words properly, all right? "Me and him," as in "Chris's dress looks exactly like the one me and him made earlier," isn't correct. Ever.

*Oh, look, it's that Collier Strong guy from L'Oreal. He's bored us all before. And now he's back. This'll be amazing. People say things during this segment like, "I love a really strong brow." I know, it's electric.

*Chris takes a nap. Tim Gunn wakes him up. Tells him to get back to work. Chris thinks his piece is done. Tim tells him to add to it. Chris says no.

*Christian talks a little about his time working at Alexander McQueen in London. Then Tim Gunn comes in to consult (a.k.a. lavish affection on his pet). "I love the white shirt," says Tim Gunn.

Christian: "I do too. It's fabulous. And the blouse looks so good on me."

Tim Gunn throws back his head and laughs. Those adoption papers are being drawn up backstage right now. Tim Gunn does have advice, however, about cohesion and what will work with what, etc. Then says, "It's the last challenge. Three people are going to Fashion Week."

Christian: "I know, Lady! Don't you worry."

This show just redeemed itself for the entire season. I'm back on board. I wonder how long it would take for one of my gays to punch me in the face if I started calling them all "lady" from now on? I'm going to find out. Back in the day the inverts used to use the feminine pronoun all the time. It ain't cool these days, obviously, since everybody's trying to be butch and real-man 24/7. But c'mon. It'd be funny. I'm going to get started.

*Sweet P is setting herself up for epic FAIL. Her peacock-inspired dress has nothing in common with peacocks and everything in common with a sad Flannery O'Connor story.

*Tim Gunn tells Rami that his dress is stunning.

Rami: "It's what I do."

And do and do and do.

*On elimination day the models come in, get fitted, get makeupped, get haired-up, get on the runway and walk. Chris's dress looks almost exactly like the winning rufflesplosion he and Christian created a couple weeks ago. Jillian's Argonaut coat is pretty rad. Very severe and black over a shiny gold thing. Enough to make you night-blind. Sweet P's is a mess of incoherent color blocks and I don't even know what else. Rami dress is more do do do do do. Christian's is amazing, like if Grace Jones decided to change races, become white, and then turn into a conquistador who was also a pirate, taking the stage to sing "Bela Lugosi's Dead" before detaching her codpiece to reveal a mechanical penis that expands into a Smart Car.

*Guest judge Roberto Cavalli says the following things (in subtitled English even though he's speaking his version of English) about Christian's garment.

"I luhverrymash becuz I no owmushluvayoopootoowenyoogreeateahzumtingalikethat. Izzemomentah whenyoutakeoffajacket Istartappreciateehdeetails thankyoovedimuch."

About Chris's:

"ItheenkisChrisareallymaybezemostartisticaforallyou. I can see you show inehfutureyacollection... inParis...maybetheoatcotooorah."

About Jillian's:

"Theydetails theyahfantahhsteek speciallyindebeckuhveddymuch. I weel be veddyhappytoaveyouinmystuff."

About Sweet P's:

"Whuteezmoah fahntaseethenpeecocktale? Isinkathatyoushouldosuchamoahspeshuhl."

About Rami's:

"Stoonormal. Yooareherebecauseyeehavetoshowwhatyoucandooo."

*The judges deliberate. Roberto Cavalli continues to require subtitles.

*Christian wins. Jillian is safe. Sweet P is out. Poor Sweet P. Chris and Rami are tied. So next week there's gonna be a mothafuckin' walk-off.

I hope.