The Almighty took time out of His busy schedule of being omnipotent to answer a few eternally burning questions from The Advocate.
Thanks to comedian and author David Javerbaum, who assisted God in putting pen to paper in a new book — The Last Testament, A Memoir By God — we don’t have to wait until Revelation to finally catch up. Javerbaum is the former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and he is coauthor of the show’s bestsellers America: The Book and Earth: The Book.
In their collaboration, which goes on sale today, the creator of heaven and earth is finally ready to break His silence on what we’ve gotten wrong all these years and, more importantly, which celebrities are still hiding in the closet.
The Advocate: The guy who lives in the alley behind my apartment says that he gets messages from You all of the time. What are You two always conferencing about?
God: Mainly CIA-implanted-microchip-related stuff. Also hockey.
It’s been a while since You wrote a book. What prompted The Last Testament?
I wanted to get a few things off my chest before December 21, 2012. Oops! Verily, that was a spoiler.
You co-wrote the book with David Javerbaum, the former executive producer and head writer for The Daily Show who also penned our favorite Tony Awards number ever — “Broadway: Not Just For Gays Anymore.” As far as collaborators go, is David as good as Moses?
I’ve worked with three Davids in my time. One was a king who founded an empire and wrote immortal psalms. The second was responsible for the deaths of 79 people in a nightmarish inferno in Waco. I would rank this David somewhere in the middle.
In Proverbs, You say, “Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth,” but in the book you reveal that all of those right-wing Christian conservatives were wrong. Adam and Steve were, in fact, the first couple. Can’t we have this one thing?
I was not aware the gay community needed another excuse to throw a party.
You also set the record straight on Sodom and Gomorrah. Can You give us a tease?
Sodom and Gomorrah were the perpetrators of the biggest shekel-laundering scheme of all-time. That is why I destroyed them, not for the sodomy. Lo, Gomorrah had no gay scene to speak of, save for one small nightclub, The Fire ‘n’ Rimstone.
You have a Twitter account. Seems like you’ve come a long way since sending angels or stone tablets.
Yea, Twitter is much more convenient than angels or tablets. If it had been around for the Ten Commandments, I definitely would have tweeted them unto the Jews. It would have spared Moses a hernia.
You out a lot of people in this book. For example, what does Joel Osteen say in the “secret recesses of his heart” that gives him away?
Actually, the biggest issue Joel Osteen is in denial about is not that he is gay, but that he is an incredible asshole.
Speaking of, was Sarah Palin sent to Earth to teach us all patience?
Yea, Sarah Palin... Man. I just fucking hate her.
Do You ever wonder what would’ve happened if You hadn’t rested on the seventh day?
I do not look back on My mistakes. Rather I look forward to the future, when I can destroy all of them.
That pony I asked for when I was 9… should I still expect that at some point?
Ha! That particularly pony died 12 years ago. And I can’t even tell it thou saidst hi, because it’s not up here. It’s in the other place. He was a vile, reprehensible pony.
Want more from God? See some of His best tweets on the following pages.