The Republican Party's Major Policy Platform Is the Pursuit of Evil

Roy Moore

I’ve always enjoyed a good political argument. Unfortunately most of the ones I end up in are complete trash because of trash people with trash takes. One of the ones that has always made me want to wet objects that can stain clothing has been this one I’m sure you’ve seen made by top minds on Twitter and Reddit; “Anywhere else in the world, the Democrats would be a right wing party.” 

Sure, whatever. My response to that statement, “This is America, do you see people having tea and crumpets,” has always been the same one I use when people say “Fag isn’t an insult in England.” America is not like other countries in the world because it’s America, so trying to draw a direct comparison to its politics to anywhere else in the world has been lazy thinking for the most part. However, as of late, I have decided that to concede somewhat on this argument. 

Yes, my dear opponents, you win. I hereby declare that yes, indeed, the Democratic Party is at this point the right wing party in America. Oh, now before you get cocky and start sniffing your red roses, let me explain this to you. You see, the Democratic Socialists of America are the left wing progressive party and the Democrats have slid to the moderate right party only because the Republican Party is no longer a right wing party. The Republican Party is now the “Flying Evil Clown Faced Monkeys that Shit Angry Bees Party.”

I figured that description fully captured the best way to describe the horror of what the Republican Party has become. Describing them as “Deranged 15th-century Carpathian Royalty,” was a bit too obscure and “The American Inquisition” was insulting to the Spanish Inquisition because they at least had some moral scruples. I have written in the past how I still had some respect for Log Cabin Republicans because they sought to change their party from within, but I can’t anymore. 

For a long time I have defended people who are conservatives that stayed with the GOP that still had some basic respect for democratic principles and tried to adhere to their true belief that conservative values were best for all Americans because they at least tried to find compromises and didn’t believe in truly bigoted ideas (just ones that in actuality reinforced systemic discrimination). I can’t anymore, and neither can most of the “Never-Trump Republicans” if we’re being honest. The GOP has gone complete bath salts and Vietnamese Snake Wine-bender crazy.

While one can respect on a Machiavellian level the Republicans blatant hypocrisy on denying Obama his rightful pick for the Supreme Court, when the party leadership that spent months howling about the insanity, cruelty, and lack of moral character of Donald Trump began its final slide into moral bankruptcy in their pursuit of tax cuts for their donors, one simply couldn’t find the desire to respect something so depraved.  Republicans began to resemble less the party of small government and family values, but the party of craven sidekicks to the type of villains who would toss them out the door of the zeppelin as they cried into the winds, “But, I’ve been loooyyyyaaaallllll!” 

Even then one could muster a basic level of adversarial respect, like the kind an American soldier could muster for a defeated German officer at the end of WWII. Sure, they were monsters and evil, but damn they marched well and still had self-respect, so you gotta give them that you know? However the moment of pure cravenness finally came at the hands of a bad Faulkner villain. 

When it came apparent that the Republicans needed Roy Moore, the pedophile (allegedly!) and adulterous former judge with a penchant for lies and mall cookies, to pass their tax plans and gut the social safety net, their denunciations not only disappeared, but turned to outright endorsement. The Republican National Convention not only began funding his run for Senate, but his critics fell victim to a child's wish that they couldn’t tell a lie. Okay, that’s a lie, I’m just trying to make you feel better.

The real truth is, is that Republicans lost what little self-respect and dignity they had and decided that since they had already flirted with the dark side, they went full on Sith Lord. They began to outright say that their desire to take away your health care, hand out money to the most obscenely rich, and stay in power mattered far more than any sense of basic human decency.

Yes, America, the Republicans will turn a blind eye as people molest your children, let you die from a lack of insulin, and screw their rural and working class base so their masters can deduct the cost of a private jet from their taxes. Which is not only horrifying but disappointing because their evil overlords don’t have actual zeppelins which would at least give them a respectable “cool factor” like the way we begrudgingly admit Nazis had cool uniforms. The Republicans didn’t even sell American democracy and basic morality for something as evil and powerful as HYDRA, they sold us out for Paris Hilton circa 2005 and The Rich Texan from The Simpsons which is as depressing as it is insulting.

There are still a small handful of Republicans that have retained a modicum of honor and morality; Mitt Romney, Bill Kristol, Meghan McCain, George F. Will, both ex-president Bushes, David Brooks, Jeff Flake, and a few others. Sure, we on the left side of the spectrum may find a lot of their policy stances and attitudes towards women’s and LGBTQ rights, the economy, law enforcement, guns, global warming, and other issues wrong and even abhorrent, but at least they still believe in democracy and that child molestation is a bridge too far to achieve their ends. 

All I can say to those folks is; you guys lost, the GOP isn’t yours anymore. Maybe they could go form a break away party that might pull some conservatives away and challenge the Republicans and leave them to join the likes of the Know-Nothings, Anti-Masonics, and Dixiecrats as a dysfunctional morally bankrupt group of goons in the dustbin of history.

However it stands, the Republican Party as we knew it even a decade or two ago is dead. It now more closely represents the type of people that make for good Mad Max villains than fiscal and religious conservatives. This means it’s not even the conservative right-wing party of American politics but a roaming horde of ignorant barbarians, mockingly going through the façade of the civilization they’re burning to the ground. I guess this leaves the Democratic Party as the actual moderate right wing party in America. Congrats, Republicans, you made me a conservative and I hate you for it.

AMANDA KERRI is a writer and comedian based in Oklahoma City, as well as a regular contributor to The Advocate. Follow her on Twitter @amanda_kerri.

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