Dang, I just
learned this week that I'm not a real man. Somebody
wrote a letter to The Advocate complaining that
I was "picking on" Dolly Parton and that
it logically followed that I was an "old
queen" and not a "real man."
The gays are
touchy and hate it when you goof on their divas. (All I said
was that she probably, maybe, quite possibly had a nose made
of glass now. Is that so bad? It doesn't take
one thing away from her genius as an artist. And she
is that. A genius, I mean. And really, who among us
besides her surgical team has the answers to what is going
on with Dolly's face? It might not even be
glass. It might be a kind of injected, moldable
polymer. It could even be titanium, making her 3% cyborg,
which would be AWESOME if you think about it. Also, I
never said it was wrong to de-oldify your face, no
matter how odd you wind up looking. See how gentle and
playful I was being?) Anyway, the same thing happened
to me when I wrote something nonworshipful about Diana
Ross once. I got rebuked.
But let's
stop fighting, gays. I'm your friend. One of you, in
fact. Except not a real man anymore. Which is a
bummer. But I can live with this new reality. I guess
I'll have to.
It's
Mariah-Carey-as-mentor week on AI. And I was
all set. This was going to be a gold mine of weirdness, of
loony Mariah Carey-isms. But something very strange is
going on in Mariah-land lately. She seems to
be...this almost hurts to write...not entirely
out of her mind.
Back in the good
old days of Glitter,
"exhaustion," TRL Popsicle-based
entertainment moments, "Loverboy" videos
that consisted of her caressing her own breasts to the
exclusion of all other activities, and that monumental,
flabbergasting Cribs appearance, you could
count on Mariah for a sweet dose of
reality-disconnection.
But then I saw
her on Oprah. And she seemed all normal, foxy
and sane and thinner, but not in that Posh Spice way
where you have to just sort of smell a lemon for breakfast
and pretend you ate it. My friend Dennis and I
immediately e-mailed each other. His message to me:
"I'm obsessed with how Oprah tried to tie
Mariah's diet into something 'spiritual' and Mariah
wasn't having it. She's like, 'Thanks to this French
lady who works for me now, I never eat anything fun
because I want to look hot.' It's that simple and it
has nothing to do with the Secret or my higher self or
an aha moment."
And then after
she and Oprah talked about eating artichokes for dinner
and we got to watch Mariah do water aerobics (guided by ze
French lady who kicks fat American ass) in her
personal lap pool with a chandelier hanging over it,
Mariah sang her new single, "Bye Bye," which
is about dead people. Not kidding. It's
actually a "let me see you put your hands
up" slow jam about dead people.
OK, the
show:
Minnie Driver is
in the audience, and she's right in front of Dennis
Blunden from Head of the Class. What follows is
a transcription of a conversation I had with my friend Kev,
who is kind of obsessed with Dennis Blunden:
Kev: The
principal would yell "Blunden!" when he was
mad.
Me: I never
watched that show once. So I'm turning to you for
information on this guy.
Kev: It was
amazing.
Me: I
don't believe you.
Kev: And it sort
of holds up. The interesting thing is that it focused on
politics. It was an interesting slice of mid-'80s political
climate.
Me: I like that
there's an "interesting thing" about Head of the Class.
Kev: It's
not the only interesting thing!
Me: Tell me more.
Kev: It's not
that it didn't fall into sitcom tropes. A brand-new
character was introduced that everyone loved who then got
Alzheimer's. Same thing with this kid who was
illiterate.
Me: So
you're saying that it touched on sensitive issues.
Kev: Oh, yes. And
they had an Alex P. Keaton character named Alan.
Me: Alan B.
Meaton?
Kev: No! Alan
Pinkard!
Me: How old were
you when this show was on the air?
Kev: Eleven. And
"Dennis Blunden" was my first crush.
Me: Exactly the
right age for a pre-pube "why do my pants feel
funny" moment.
Kev: Exactly. He
later went on to write Good Burger and a bunch
of other stuff.
So that makes two
Good Burger moments in two weeks on
Idol. Maybe Sinbad couldn't come back
this week and gave him his unused ticket? Teri Hatcher is
back too, probably hoping they'll let her sing
again. She might want her stab at "I
Believe."
First thing we
see this week is Mariah meeting the kids. She brought her
extremely rich dog along with her. Brooke is more interested
in the dog than Mariah, it seems. That's
because Brooke is so down-to-earth. We hear Mariah
talking about how AI is the "boot camp
of boot camps." At the sound of this comment,
thousands of American troops suddenly feel like
slackers compared to Kristy Lee Cook. Mariah tries to
put them at ease by telling them to just think of her as
"my friend that I met last week who sings for a
living and writes songs occasionally." And has
her own 3,000-square-foot lingerie closet. And a lap
pool with a chandelier hanging over it. And Marilyn
Monroe's piano. And a helicopter. And was in
Glitter with Da Brat. Then she says that
someday any one of them might be at the top of the
charts. (Subtexty warning: Just don't do it at the
same time I release my new single or I'll wipe
the floor with you like I plan to do with
Madonna.)
Now for the least
interesting part of the show. That would be the
singing. And because I have to get out of here really soon
and run off to an early-morning screening of
Pathology, the one about Milo Ventimiglia and
Alyssa Milano discovering a dangerous game of murder
among Harvard medical school students, these comments will
be somewhat truncated compared to last week's
Bleak House-length recap. You think
watching this game show is all I have to do with my
life? Wrong. It's rich and full of to-do-list items.
There's lunch, there's dinner, there's
snacks in between them. I'm very busy.
David Archuleta
sings "When You Believe." Big surprise.
It's the one from that Moses cartoon movie. I
forget what it's called. Mariah tells him that
if he tried a falsetto, then "I wouldn't be
mad atcha." She also recommends he wear leather
pants. He takes that advice. Secret connection: All of
Archie's friends call him "Mimi" too.
Best part comes when Simon flaunts the fact that his
British show, TheX Factor, chose that as the single the winner
recorded in late 2007. It became the U.K. Christmas number
1.
It's the
best part because you can tell he's all proud of it,
even though no one in America gives a shit about the
U.K. Christmas number 1, a phenomenon specific to that
tiny island nation and a whole subplot of Love
Actually, one that American audiences had to have
explained to them. Also? Seacrest spills the sad little fact
that the boy can barely eat on performance day because
his nerves are shot. Adorable!
Carly's
wearing black. Or navy. Or navy-saturated black. Second big
surprise of the night. She's singing "Without
You." I heard a rumor that Simon put her up to
this song to challenge her and see if she could be
like his pet Leona Lewis. And then when she's done
singing he attacks her for it. In fact -- and I swear
this is not me being defensive about her because she
happens to be THE BEST SINGER OF THE SEASON --
doesn't it seem that all the judges kick her
ass harder than they do the rest of the kids? I think
this is a fact. I'm glad that the Entertainment
Weekly "Idolatry" guy agrees with me
on this, so I'm just going to reference him here when
I say LEAVE CARLY ALONE!
Syesha. So
technically proficient and yet so boring. But still has the
best hair of anyone on the show, not counting that week when
it was all crazy. She's singing
"Vanishing," a song I don't know.
Mariah does a little micromanaging on her and it
takes. She sings the song really well. But I still
don't care.
Brooke is going
to sing "Hero" all simple and Brooke-ish, keep
it loose and flowy and Carole King-real. AND THEN
SHE'S GOING TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT AFTER A MINOR
VOCAL FLUB AND THEN ANOTHER MINOR PIANO-PLAYING MISHAP
AND HER FACE WILL VIBRATE LIKE SOMEONE'S GIVING HER
FROZEN ELECTRIC SHOCKS AND THE CAMERA WILL GO ALL
SUPER-TIGHT CLOSE-UP ON HER SO YOU CAN MORE FULLY
ENJOY THE WET-EYED TERROR. Cut to some meaty bruiser-looking
guy sitting next to Brooke's husband with a look on
his face that says, "Well, she screwed that
pooch." Simon, of course, takes his words and
stabs her repeatedly, comparing her to a meatless hamburger.
Nice one. Hamburglary banter from the judges
ensues.
Kristy Lee Cook
knows that in the midst of a heated fame-battle, you have
to woo your audience. So she explains that to us in her
little pre-song reel, talking about how she's
going to "try" to make an emotional
connection. Big mistake. Never tell the people you're
trying to psych that you're trying to psych
them. Now even the dumbest viewers know you're
up to no good. Another mistake? Bragging about how you
"gave [Mariah] chills." Of course, as of
this writing, I already know that she gets eliminated.
I wish it were Syesha, simply because I'm enjoying
watching KLC ascend to even greater heights of calculated
evil. But whatever.
David Cook sings
"Always Be My Baby." And guess how he does it?
That's right! Like an alternative rock song
from 1995! My favorite part is when, after he's
taken it from soft and unsupported and off-key to big and
hollery, he throws this quick, stern, I MEAN IT, MAN kinda
face to the audience. Because you might have thought
he was maybe a joke. But no! No joke! He's 4
REAL! Then at the end he grabs the microphone stand and
looks down all prayerfully and earnest and soulful.
Little-known fact: Every time some lead singer in a
band does that move (it's called "The
Douche Chill" among people in the biz) they have to
pay a small royalty to Bono. Afterward, the judges act
like he just invented music, food, breathing, and
standing upright.
Mariah does
not want to hug Jason Castro and his icky
dreads. Maybe they have a smell. Sometimes dreads can be
aroma-filled if you don't know what you're
doing with them. Then he sings "I Don't
Want to Cry." And I had plenty of annoyed observances
about him, but I'm going to hold off on them in
the interest of giving equal time to a friend of mine
(one who's requested anonymity because he has a
professional job where it would look weird if he were to be
seen on the Internet gushing over JC), one who sent me
an e-mail begging me to lay off his favorite pretty
boy. I promise that you'll get the entire
conversation next week because it involves detailed
dissection of Mr. Dread's "dreamy
eyelashes," but I figured that since we've
already traveled down the gay-crush aisle once this
week with that Head of the Class guy, I'd spread them
out a little.
OK! Quickly!
Chopped! Screwed! Let's go! Milo and Alyssa
won't wait!
1. The guy from
Borat is in the audience. Not Borat, though.
The other one. The fat one who wrestles him naked.
2. Around
Paula's neck is a scarf, some tinsel, a flower, a
manta ray, some parsnips, Verne Troyer, and decorative
salad bar kale -- a plate of garnishes around a cooked
head. The husband/partner/whatever, walking through
the room and stopping to look at the screen (and seriously,
IGNORING this show for the past two weeks and not helping me
much with awesome quips at ALL) votes that
she's covering a hickey. I say tracheotomy.
3. Group sing:
"Some Sweet Day," Mariah's first big
hit about dead people.
4. Ford
commercial: The kids sing "I Want to Break
Free" to a new Ford vehicle. Woo-hoo! Car
payments and $4-a-gallon gas! Freedom!
5.
Elliott's here. His new teeth are huge. Singing some
song I don't know. It's also about
freedom. Or miracles. Or dreams. All three, I guess. I
had almost forgotten what a good singer Elliott is. I even
forgive him for writing a note to his recently deceased mom
on his hand and showing it to the camera. His mom was
so sweet and nice.
6. More stupid
fucking questions from people at home. The big one this
week is why won't that guy who bought Kristy Lee
Cook's horse sell it back to her now that
she's all famous? How can he do this to her?
It's like he STOLE it now.
7. You can buy
postage stamps with Ruben on them now. Which also
means...FANTASIA STAMPS ARE COMING NEXT!
8. Mariah comes
out and sings "Bye Bye" and does that
excellent pointing-at-notes-in-the-air move she does.
One of the background singers is losing her shit
trying to reach those Minnie Riperton notes.
Meanwhile, Kristy Lee Cook furiously scribbles
"including Grandma references in song about
death = TOTALLY IMPORTANT!" in her Career
Advancement Notebook.
9. Up until this
final part of the results show, Seacrest has been
pulling the kids out onstage one by one and separating them
into groups. It's tough to tell which is the
safe group and which is the bottom-three group. So
naturally the last person to be called is never-not-safe
Archuleta. And then Seacrest does my favorite evil trick:
forcing the last person to pick which group s/he
thinks is safe. It's not like this child has
enough to worry about, so I'm very happy when he
takes a note from Melinda Doolittle and simply sits
down in the middle of the stage, forcing Seacrest to
make the safe group walk over to him instead. Mr.
Archuleta, you have moved one step closer to manhood. David
Cook and Jason Castro and Carly are led by Seacrest
over to Archuleta. Cook and Castro join Archuleta by
sitting on the floor. Carly's still standing,
waiting to hear the actual words come from Seacrest's
mouth and hollering in disbelief when she hears them.
She knows better than to presume anything. But then
she can't sit down anyway because she's
wearing a skirt and heels.
10. Syesha gets
to go sit with the safe ones and then Kristy Lee gets the
boot. She sheds exactly one stage tear, her You're
Dead reel plays, and then she goes right down to the
judges' table, sits on it right in front of
Simon, and sings her Humiliation Number directly to him,
smirking, forcing him to shrink beneath her. Well
played, KLC. The world is going to rue the day they
toyed with her. RUE, Y'ALL!