The New 60

The other night I saw a brilliant 25th anniversary reading of Larry Kramer's The Normal Heart. This play is not only a powerful historical tragedy, but timely. It directly and indirectly addresses the costs of prejudice and internalized prejudice, looking at hatred and self-hatred and the cost therein of countless lives.

One of the motivations for this column is to look at ageism and internalized ageism. Society's prejudices are everywhere. We absorb them, subtly or not so subtly ... we build up belief systems about ourselves based on what we are exposed to and experience. Sadly, we often buy into the idea that we are "less than" because of something we are: This is internalized prejudice.

It can be truly insidious, and the good news is that we have a great deal of influence on its healing, since it's about a change in our own perceptions, not about changing others.

I doubt that any of us are without some level of internalized homophobia, racism, classism, AIDS phobia, sexism, or whatever applies to us.

For example, the first time I led a workshop on this subject, as preparation a colleague and I asked ourselves, "Where am I operating out of internalized prejudice?" After a pause, she laughed and said, "Even though my mother knows I'm gay and loves my long-term partner, whenever I go to visit I pack my most feminine clothes ... and always wonder why I feel like I have nothing to wear!" Then it was my turn. To my surprise, what came up was not about my sexuality or HIV status: "When people say to me that they don't think I'm Jewish, I have always taken it as a compliment." This is my internalized anti-Semitism. I know where it comes from. My grandmother's family prided themselves on their ability to "pass" as gentile and to secure jobs that Jews couldn't get in early-20th-century America. Passing is a telltale sign of internalized prejudice.

In the face of virulent prejudice and bigotry there is often real danger: gay bashings, prosecution, job loss, etc. I am not suggesting that people put themselves in harm's way. However, we are often reacting emotionally as if we are in danger when actually we are in a very safe environment.

In workshops, participants often ask how we can let go of internalized prejudice. The first step is always discovery, followed by observation. For example, within months of discovering my internalized anti-Semitism, more than one friend said to me, "You are acting 'more Jewish' than you used to."

When asked what they meant by this, they said I was using more Yiddish, talking about my European maternal grandparents, and even speaking dialect when telling a joke. I was thrilled and fascinated. The act of discovery had begun a change in my perspective as evidenced in my behavior. It can be that simple ...

The list of internalized prejudices is as broad as prejudice itself. Why it matters:

Internalized homophobia can lead to isolation, being in the closet, even suicide. We are all role models of surviving childhood and the often difficult teen years. It is important to be outspoken about the good things about being older, gay, Jewish, Muslim, of color, etc. Most of our young people are not hearing enough positive statements about what they are now -- or eventually will be.

AIDS phobia causes too many people to not be tested for HIV. At Friends in Deed, I still work with men and women who had developed AIDS before testing. Their beliefs about HIV stigma endanger their health and well-being. Ignorance is bred by fear and reinforced by internalized shame.

Most of us have significant degrees of internalized ageism. Except for 20-year-olds, most of us are delighted to hear that we look 10 years younger than our numerical age. Famously, when Gloria Steinem turned 40 and was barraged with "You don't look 40," she responded with "This is what 40 looks like."

We can fight ageism by telling the truth about our age and gently reminding everyone, including ourselves, that this is what 40, 50, 60, 80 looks like. My dear friend Joe is 90, and within the past year he has traveled to Europe and Asia, on his own. He is one of my inspirations for aging with style.

Back in 1985, The Normal Heart was prescient about ways that our self-esteem is undermined, making a case for gay marriage, addressing teen suicide, and even referring to gays in the military. We have an obligation to continue to speak out and act whenever the seeds of internalized prejudice are being planted or fertilized. It's a matter of life and death. However, let's not only survive, let's thrive as who and what we are. This is our gift to the world.