• Log in
    PoliticsBusinessA&ETransgenderBisexualityReligionFamiliesVoicesVideo
    OUTPrideOut TravelerPLUSADVOCATE CHANNEL
    SubscribeSubscriber ServicesEmail Newsletter Signup
    CONTACTStaffCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
    © 2023 Pride Publishing Inc.
    All Rights reserved
    Advocate.comAdvocate.com
    Scroll To Top

    By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.

    Accept

    15 Reasons Why This Gay Man Will Never Be Monogamous

    Alexander Cheves
    | 06/15/17

    15 Reasons Why This Gay Man Will Never Be Monogamous

    Sexual exclusivity is a deal-breaker for me.

    Sexual exclusivity is a deal-breaker for me.

    He asked me, quite nonchalantly, if I was the “dating type.” I said I was, but it depended on the guy. We were standing at the free weights, studying our reflections in the mirror, sweating profusely. We later met at the Starbucks near the gym.

    After some good chatting, I dropped the bomb. “I must warn you,” I said, “I’m hard to date. That’s why I don’t do it often.” He asked what I meant. I explained that I was non-monogamous and polyamorous. The most I could give him was romantic exclusivity, at least for a little bit, but I could never be sexually exclusive to only him. Sexual exclusivity was a deal-breaker for me.

    He took it in. He looked down at his to-go coffee, mulling it over. “I’m cool with that,” he said, “but why would you want to date if you’re just going to fuck everything that moves?”

    There wasn’t a second date, and that’s OK. We were never going to work out. This gay man will never be monogamous. Here’s 15 reasons why. 

    A word of warning from Alex Cheves.

    A word of warning from Alex Cheves.

    My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.

    Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.

    For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.

    Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend. 

    1. Sex and love are different.

    1. Sex and love are different.

    In all discussions on monogamy, nonmonogamy, and polyamory, this is home base. You start here.

    Sex and love are  different. Our culture tends to conflate them, or at least see them as byproducts of each other, but the reality is very different. Sex is an animal act, something you may do with a random stranger or lifelong lover. Love — a word that resists any hard definition (much like “queer”) — is at least a mental and emotional connection with someone that exists independently of sex.

    Want proof? There are many sex-free couples madly in love. And there are many people who will go home tonight with strangers they don’t know, don’t love, and may not even like very much, and have awesome sex with them for a couple hours. I’m probably one of them. 

    2. You can love many people at the same time.

    2. You can love many people at the same time.

    There’s a myth that “real” love comes in a limited amount — that love “shared” or “split” between two or more people is weaker or less authentic than love piled on one person. This is called “starvation economy.” Starvation economy myths are especially tough for people who’ve been emotionally or physically abused or have truly suffered from hunger or not having enough.

    Our culture tells women to “fight” for a good man. It tells people to lay claim over someone’s love for fear that if you let your guard down, they’ll start loving someone else. These are unhealthy results of starvation economy narratives that our culture enforces over and over. Starvation economies are social myths that tell us there is a limited amount of things which are truly limitless. There is enough love, sex, and pleasure to go around.

    Rejecting “starvation economy” is the first step to embracing a lovely and life-changing concept — polyamory. 

    3. You’re allowed to have sex with many people.

    3. You\u2019re allowed to have sex with many people.

    Polyamorists and non-monogamists embrace a radically simple view of sex: Sex is a good thing. You can’t have too much of it.

    Sex isn’t bad. Sex isn’t sinful. You’re not a sinful or dirty person for wanting it. Living this way — enjoying your sexuality — will invite social criticism in nearly every culture. You will be called names. People will refuse to date you because you’re a slut. There are many attitudes around sex in the world and most of them are negative. Many religions are concerned with what we do in bed and take great pains to police our sex lives.

    Don’t listen to them — or listen, but understand that they are the result of centuries of social conditioning and institutionalized abuse. 

    4. Polyamory and nonmonogamy are real concepts — not made-up ways to “cheat and get away with it.”

    4. Polyamory and nonmonogamy are real concepts \u2014 not made-up ways to \u201ccheat and get away with it.\u201d

    Polyamory and nonmonogamy are not interchangeable terms. You can technically have a monogamous polyamorous relationship. What’s the difference?

    Monogamy is sexual exclusivity to one person, or a few people. You’re monogamous with your boyfriend when you’re only fucking him and he’s only fucking you.

    Nonmonogamy recognizes the problems with monogamy (more on that later) and defines relationships in which sexual exclusivity varies. Nonmonogamous couples may occasionally play with a third, or have separate trysts on the side, or have dominant/submissive relationships with other people, or play with others only when they’re apart, or may establish certain freedoms on certain occasions. (For example, many gay couples give each other permission to play freely with whomever they want on Pride weekend.)

    Polyamory is simply the practice of loving various people at the same time. The difference between these two terms is that “non-monogamy” implicitly defines a “primary” two-person relationship with various secondary and tertiary partners on the side. In contrast, polyamory rejects a central two-person pairing as the “main” one, and sees all relationships as different, equal, and important, existing in tandem with each other. If nonmonogamy is a web with strands spread out from the center, polyamory is a series of strings laid together, running parallel.

    “Nonmonogamy” is generally talking about sexual exclusivity — the “focus” of the word is sex. Polyamory (composed of the Greek poly meaning "many, several" and the Latin amor, “love”) defines many loves, many relationships. Its “focus” is affection for multiple people, regardless of sex. I am a non-monogamous polyamorous gay man. 

    5. Monogamy is problematic.

    5. Monogamy is problematic.

    Nearly every monogamous couple I know deals with problems of jealousy, dishonesty, distrust, cheating, and absurd manipulation that I see as inevitable results of monogamy. Some people can make monogamy work, but I think monogamy ignores our natural human impulse to have sex with lots of people and enjoy it. I see monogamy as innately unsuitable for our species. The divorce rate bolsters this, as does the countless couples who check their partners’ phones for signs of “someone else” — the classic red flag of a toxic monogamous relationship. 

    6. Sex with the same person gets boring.

    6. Sex with the same person gets boring.

    Even if you’re a sex stallion, sex with you will grow dull to someone who’s only having sex with you and no one else. Sorry, but that’s the reality. If this is your requirement — monogamy — then your partner will have a boring sex life, and so will you.

    Boredom is unavoidable. Every year, countless married couples spend thousands of dollars “spicing up” their sex lives only to be met with failure. Sometimes the solution isn’t adding a sex sling to the bedroom. Sometimes the solution is someone else.

    It’s perfectly acceptable to want (and enjoy) sex with someone different because they’re someone different. Variety is fun! 

    7. No one can meet all my sexual needs.

    7. No one can meet all my sexual needs.

    I have a long list of kinks. No one is going to be into everything I’m into. To expect anyone to satisfy me in every sexual capacity I like would be insane. It would be an enormous amount of pressure on him to perform like a superman, and it would be pressure on me to like what he delivers (or pretend that I do) in order for our relationship to survive.

    Sound bizarre? Yes, it does. But most people live in these kinds of relationships. No one is going to meet all your sexual needs. 

    8. I want a pack.

    8. I want a pack.

    In an ideal world, I would have a small handful of playmates — sexy, kind-hearted, open-minded men who are aware of each other’s existence. I will always enjoy hot anonymous sex with strangers in dark rooms, and I need these guys to know and understand that part of me. I want them to be there when I leave the dungeon/sex club/sex party, come home, crawl in bed, and call it a night. 

    9. I want my partner(s) to have awesome sex lives.

    9. I want my partner(s) to have awesome sex lives.

    I will not satisfy all sexual needs. I’m not that skilled. If someone I love wants to play in a way that I can’t deliver — or if they make a connection with someone that electrifies them in ways I do not — then I want them to enjoy sex with someone else without me. I don’t want to change them or restrict their pleasure. 

    10. Monogamy is upheld by most major religions which have no place in my secular sex life.

    10. Monogamy is upheld by most major religions which have no place in my secular sex life.

    Not all atheists are polyamorous, but this one is. Not believing in god makes it easy to make my own rules. The most aggressive anti-sex, anti-kink, anti-queer crusaders — people who work hard to limit my freedoms and hurt my people — tend to be religious.

    When these people push legislation that harms me and hurts women and enforces negative views of sex, they contribute to a cultural divide that has long existed between sex-positive people and believers. People from both camps have attempted to bridge this divide. My friend the sex writer and radio host Chris Donaghue, author of the outstanding book Sex Outside the Lines (a book that everyone looking to redefine their sex lives should read), points out the various spiritual sexualities, Pagan faiths and Eastern philosophies that encourage healthy sexual attitudes. There are countless other authors who’ve studied ancient to modern tribal faiths which encouraged, rather than commodified, the sexuality of women.

    There are many exceptions to this “faith vs. free love” war, but I see all religious attitudes as ancient enemies. Throughout history, people on my side were harlots, whores, sodomites, and sinners. I don’t let old grudges die. 

    11. Monogamy isn’t necessary for a happy relationship.

    11. Monogamy isn\u2019t necessary for a happy relationship.

    No relationship is perfect, but a successful nonmonogamous relationship, poly or otherwise, comes pretty close. Imagine it: Everyone is getting as much sex as they want while getting the love and care we all need. Sure, jealousy comes up sometimes, but you communicate through it. 

    12. Nonmonogamy requires total honesty in order to work. Honesty is always a good thing.

    12. Nonmonogamy requires total honesty in order to work. Honesty is always a good thing.

    Telling your partner that you want to have sex with Evan next door will not be easy, but if you’re dating someone mature who will listen before shouting, they should reach a place where they’re thankful that you told them the truth rather than did something dishonest and sneaky behind their back.

    This is how you start the “nonmonogamy conversation.” This may become the “polyamorous conversation” if you develop feelings for Evan and build up the courage to tell your partner that you’d like to explore the possibility of dating Evan, or would like to see if the three of you could spend some time together, because you think your partner would like Evan too. 

    13. Nonmonogamy forces you to communicate well — a good skill for everyone.

    13. Nonmonogamy forces you to communicate well \u2014 a good skill for everyone.

    Communication is important in all relationships, but in nonmonogamous ones, communication is paramount. Yes, you will get jealous — “starvation economy” mentalities are hard to discard completely.

    Yes, you will not always communicate your wants and needs effectively, and your partner(s) won’t either. We’re human. But for your relationship(s) to work, you must learn effective communication and good listening skills. This will make you a better boyfriend. 

    14. Polyamory has made me a better boyfriend.

    14. Polyamory has made me a better boyfriend.

    I hurt some good guys before I realized I wasn’t a monogamous boyfriend. I broke their hearts. They didn’t deserve it. I was a cheater. I didn’t love them less, in fact I loved them all an awful lot.

    I didn’t know that nonmonogamy was an option. I didn’t know how to tell them what I wanted. I felt ashamed for wanting sex with other people. “Why can’t I be satisfied?” I repeatedly asked myself in the middle of every disastrous breakup. These might have been avoided if I had been honest.

    If this is where you are — if you’re about to cheat and hurt the person you love — talk to them right now about what you want and what you need. It may be the best thing you’ve ever done for your relationship. 

    15. We are free.

    15. We are free.

    I reject the idea that you have to live a certain way. People all your life will tell you who you can date and who you can’t, who you can and cannot have sex with, how much sex you “should” have, and how you’re “supposed” to live.

    I’m telling you that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do — ever — and you can have as much sex as you want. Take care of yourself, take care of the people you love, and stand by your choices. Your sexual needs are important because you are important. They are worthy of your attention. They are worth addressing.

    Sex is not this tawdry little piece of your life you have to keep in closets or sweep under the rug. You don’t have to be quiet about it or apologize for it or feel shame for it in any way. It’s your life. Love it and enjoy it every way you can. 

    Latest Stories

    Nico Tortorella, Janelle Monáe, and Brandon Urie
    Pansexual
    Badge
    gallery

    12 Pan Icons to Celebrate Pansexual Visibility Day

    May 24 2023 7:17 PM
    'Red, White, and Royal Blue,' the Gay R-Rated Rom-Com, Debuts Key Art
    film
    Badge
    gallery

    'Red, White, and Royal Blue,' the Gay R-Rated Rom-Com, Debuts Key Art

    May 24 2023 11:06 AM
    Jake Daniels
    People
    Badge
    gallery

    Gay Soccer Star Jake Daniels, 18, Shares About His Partner, 46

    May 22 2023 1:35 PM
    5 Victims of Club Q Shooting Remembered
    Crime
    Badge
    gallery

    5 Victims of Club Q Shooting Remembered

    May 19 2023 10:03 PM
    30+ Images Celebrating Out Magazine's Kim Petras Pride Cover Drop
    Slideshow
    Badge
    gallery

    30+ Images Celebrating Out Magazine's Kim Petras Pride Cover Drop

    May 19 2023 4:45 PM
    Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
    Activism
    Badge
    gallery

    Meet the L.A. Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

    May 19 2023 4:30 PM
    Honorees at the GLAAD Media Awards in NYC
    Media
    Badge
    gallery

    69 Photos Celebrating the Star-Studded GLAAD Media Awards in NYC

    May 18 2023 11:19 AM
    Selfies at the Little Gay Pub in DC and the bar’s owners Dusty Martinez, Benjamin Gander and Dito Sevilla
    Business
    Badge
    gallery

    51 Steamy Selfies from The Little Gay Pub, D.C.'s Hottest New LGBTQ+ Spot

    May 16 2023 5:00 PM
    Gio Benitez and the hosts of GMA weekends
    People
    Badge
    gallery

    23 Pics to Help You Get to Know Gio Benitez, the New Gay Co-Anchor of ‘GMA’ Weekends

    May 16 2023 4:01 PM
    Colton Underwood and Jordan C. Brown
    People
    Badge
    gallery

    Gay 'Bachelor' Star Colton Underwood Marries Jordan C. Brown

    May 15 2023 12:55 PM
    mothers
    Families
    Badge
    gallery

    More Than 50 of Our Favorite LGBTQ+ Moms

    May 14 2023 10:27 AM
    15 Sensual and Intimate Paintings of Male Relationships by Dani Torrent
    Art
    Badge
    gallery

    15 Sensual and Intimate Paintings of Male Relationships by Dani Torrent

    May 11 2023 4:16 PM
    Stranger Things and Yellowjackets
    television
    Badge
    gallery

    Here Are 9 LGBTQ+ Shows Shut Down By the Writers Strike

    May 10 2023 6:00 PM
    Images from the WeHo Drag March
    Drag
    Badge
    gallery

    ​19 Spectacular Photos of the Inaugural L.A. Drag March

    May 10 2023 4:11 PM
    Drag isn’t dangerous participant queens
    Drag
    Badge
    gallery

    41 Photos of Drag Isn’t Dangerous Fundraiser That Raised the Big Bucks for LGBTQ+ Rights

    May 09 2023 10:00 AM
    Cast of Drag Me to Dinner
    television
    Badge
    gallery

    Neil Patrick Harris and David Burka Serve Up New Series 'Drag Me to Dinner'

    May 08 2023 7:00 PM
    LGBTQ+ shows to watch in May: The Other Two, RuPaul's Drag Race, and The Ultimatum.
    Arts & Entertainment
    Badge
    gallery

    16 LGBTQ+ TV Shows and Movies to Watch in May

    May 08 2023 4:00 PM
    Aubrey Plaza, Bella Ramsey, Keke Palmer, Pedro Pascal
    Arts & Entertainment
    Badge
    gallery

    Here Are the LGBTQ+ Nominees at MTV's Movie and TV Awards

    May 05 2023 5:00 PM
    Harvey Guillén in Christian Siriano
    People
    Badge
    gallery

    Photos: Harvey Guillén on Bringing His Queer, Fat POC Self to the Met Gala

    May 02 2023 8:15 PM
    Karine Jean-Pierre, Tina Kotek, Tammy Baldwin, and Sharice Davids
    Politics
    Badge
    gallery

    12 Lesbians Who've Made U.S. Political History

    April 28 2023 1:00 PM