Extend the Outrage

As long as gay husbands
stay carefully closeted and deny they are gay -- even
if their after-hours gay-related activities or same-sex
relationships are sighted -- their wives remain in the dark,
especially if they are preoccupied with raising their children.
Some may become suspicious, but typically continue to trust,
having no reason to think their husbands wouldn't be the
straight persons they present to them, their family, and the
community. Some also fear what people would think or say if the
men turned out to be gay, given prevalent stigmatization,
stereotyping, and homophobia. Yes, many people, gay and
straight alike, refuse to believe that "the wife didn't
know." But based on the 25,000-plus spouses with whom I have
been in contact since 1986, most have no clue, and if someone
raises the possibility, many dismiss it. "After all, he
married me and we have children."

As the politicians in
the film come out of hiding, they feel liberated. Former
governor McGreevey shares his happiness from being totally
immersed in and empowered by the truth. Meanwhile, his former
wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, in her short segment, speaks of the
destruction of her and her daughter's lives that followed his
truth-telling. Her words echo those spoken by the tens of
thousands of straight spouses who seek help from the Straight
Spouse Network after their husbands or wives come out or are
found out. Once they find out the truth about their mates,
their own identity, integrity, and belief system are shattered.
Trust, hope, and a sense of reality disappear. At this point in
the marital relationship, the tables turn. While the gay
spouses, freed from guilt, shame, and fear, no longer fear
"outing," their straight partners find themselves in the
closet, blaming themselves, hurt and fearful as they deal with
a lie they didn't know they were living, one that torpedoes
their lives as they believed them to be. As their gay partners
move on to a fulfilled, truthful life, they go through their
own struggle to find whatever truth is buried in the leftover
debris.

The straight spouses of
the politicians in
Outrage

may be a side story in the film, but their experience is just
as devastating on a personal level as the effect of the
politicians' hypocrisy is on their fellow gay men and lesbians
and their constituents -- and is just as related to the need
for the acceptance and equality of gay people. The struggle of
straight wives as they try to rebuild their destroyed
self-concept, moral compass, and assumptions about gender, sex,
marriage, and their future mirrors that of their partners.
However, their confusion and pain is not caused by their own
moral and sexual dilemma, but rather by their husband's hiding
of identity and belief system in the face of the women's
trust, the core of a marital relationship. At the same time,
wives fear rejection by friends and family, fellow workers,
community members, and fellow congregants in their churches,
temples, or mosques -- as their husbands did. If they dare tell
anyone, the typical responses either minimize their issues or
question why they didn't know their mates were gay. Friends,
family members, and professionals, including
therapists and clergy, do not understand their unique issues.
As a result, many go back into their spouses' closet to cope
alone Some seek help and find the sole support system available
to them in the Straight Spouse Network. Even so, they are
isolated locally, coping with complex concerns by themselves.
Isolated, they remain invisible, their voices unheard, while
their husbands find not only support to heal but also venues in
which to express their truth.