issues of Elle and Vogue are here! No other
bathroom reading can be done for the rest of the month
because they're a combined 8,500 pages long. I'll
review the Vogue for you on my own blog, which
you can link to at the end of this recap. But because this
show is owned and operated by Elle, I think
it's good to discuss that one here. Lindsay Lohan's on the
cover, looking resolutely, defiantly empty inside.
That's a good start. If I were the impatient sort, I'd
jump right to her interview. But I want to check out
the ads. Here are some:
1. Target kicks
Wal-Mart's ass again by snagging a line by Paul &
2. I like the new
Gap ads because I've had a thing for that firepluggy
Jeremy Piven ever since he was on Ellen, even
though I despise the Gap and their new policy of
"fitted" shirts for all.
3. What's up with
Shalom Harlow returning to modeling? There she is
looking nine feet tall for Yves Saint Laurent.
4. Dolce &
Gabbana are putting their eggs in the Marie
Antoinette basket. Hope that works out for them.
wrapping sweaters around heads at Chloe like the Beales of
6. Madonna and
her terrified employees shill for H&M. Do we think a
stylist gave her choices, or do you think she went into the
H&M headquarters and demanded something be
designed just for her? I like to think she styled all
the dancers and stage crew and posed them too. All of
my Madonna fantasies are about her as Disco Mussolini.
OK, enough of
that. On to the show...
We begin this
episode with ablutions: Laura Glamour Mom smoothing out
fine lines and wrinkles, Kayne the Flaming Lisp perfecting
the Heat Miser look on top of his head, Jeffrey Christ
preparing to defenestrate himself because he got
robbed at the last challenge. He mourns the loss of Alison
Supernice Supercute because he says she was his best friend
of the bunch. He's such a weird dude to figure out.
Maybe it's just editing, but he comes off like he put
the m in misogyny most of the time. I'm not
even going to try to ponder his shit anymore.
Cut to Michael
Knight With No Talking Car. He's so happy to have won two
challenges that he "grinned [himself] a
headache." None of these grins were shown to us
on-camera because the makers don't understand that
Michael's busted-up grill is adorable and TV-ready even if
they don't think so.
Heidi greets them
all and tells them that this week's challenge will be
to design something for the "everyday" woman.
In the fashion dictionary, the word
"everyday" is a euphemism for
"fat." She brings out their models, who
all turn out to be the designers' moms and sisters. And some
of them are so "everyday" that when they sit around the
house they sit around the house. That's a joke
I'm allowed to make because I'm an "everyday" guy.
Every day I eat a fresh new package of Ho-Hos.
The designers cry
because they love their moms. Or maybe because they
don't. Either way, Laura leans in to Jeffrey and says of his
mom, "I thought she'd have a mohawk." I
can't wait for the day one of Laura's prep-school
babies gets a neck tattoo. I want Bravo to capture that for
me and I want Tim Gunn to podcast about the stroke she has.
Then it turns out that the designers each have to
select someone else's mother or sister as their
model. They go, "Awwwww." I go, "Haw
first pick, and he goes for the hottest and skinniest of the
bunch, Robert Gay Arms's sister. Laura chooses Jeffrey's
mother, "just to torture [him]," she
says gently. I like her delivery. She really is the
cobra-woman. And on it goes until last-picked, poor Angela's
mom--who calls her daughter
"delightful" and has clearly never met the
woman--gets saddled with Jeffrey.
Fix! I call fix!
She's going to
end up looking like one of the Sleaze Sisters in Times
Square. Jeffrey says he has Angela's mom because
"God got drunk today." Because, you know,
God's entire agenda revolves around his son Jeffrey H.
Christ. Angela looks worried. And she should be.
Tim Gunn walks
into the workroom, where everyone is hugging their
respective family members, and announces that they're all
going to a special event being given by this week's
guest judge. We don't know who that is yet. Tim Gunn
leads them to Tavern on the Green, where they're met
by Michael Kors and his mother, Karl Lagerfeld. Then Kors
opens a bottle of champagne. To do this he cocks out
his hip and makes the least-poised, cork-terror,
don't-get-it-in-my-eyes face I've ever witnessed on a
human being outside of gay porn. It requires several TiVo
suffers the indignity of his mother bringing along photos of
his formerly "everyday" self. He's lost 110
pounds since then. That's 1 1/5 of a model. Then
we see that all the family members have
brought along embarrassing photos of the designers,
including Jeffrey's mom, who cries with pride over her
ex-drunk, ex-junkie son and-- Whoa! Laura's
pregnant with Harvard grad number six! That's three sets of
doubles for squash at the club now. Her mom, Kors, Karl, and
the camera crew and cast all find out at once.
See, Jeffrey? That's a horny knocked-up lady you're
dealing with. Not so frigid after all. And it's hard
to hear because she says it so fast and TiVo rewind isn't
helping, but it sounds like Laura's saying that even
her husband doesn't know yet. Surprise, Glamour Dad.
Your fancy lady's got a croissant in the oven.
Thirty minutes to
sketch and consult with the clientele:
Corky's [Vincent's] sister and says he's going to battle the
perception that he's boring by putting her in head-to-toe
zebra print and a sign that says "Stop picking
on Robert." And if he did that, I think they'd
still hate him for it. Heidi in particular seems to find
Robert tedious. Heidi's weird.
works with Angela, the Headmistress of Jubilee Jumbles (I
just decided that she's no longer and never was an Yves
Saint Laurent copier, in spite of her claims to the
contrary), and says that she'd like Laura to win but
would never hinder Angela from winning. I love that that
went through her head. Now I want to know who's going to
actually have the cast-iron ones to conduct private
sabotage on the outfit they end up wearing.
Kayne is all for
dressing Michael's mother in loony rhinestone-covered
Miss America costumes. He goes on to say that he was once
310 pounds and despaired at how little there was to
fit him that he could feel good about. That explains
the typical, gaytarded outfits he prances around in
Corky says that
the mother of Uli, Heidi's German Pet, has a
"European air about her." How do you say
"No shit, Sherlock" auf Deutsch?
Angela's mom are already at loggerheads. She automatically
thinks he's a freak because, she says, "He stands out
in a crowd." That's Mom Code for a guy you want
nowhere near your daughter. Cut to Jeffrey, who's at a
loss about how to design something for a fat person. He
doesn't ever do that and doesn't know how.
And I just
Any designer who
can't or won't make a plus-size person look decent isn't
a good designer. Pardon me while I go on a rant: I was just
in six different men's stores two days ago and not one
of them had a shirt that fit me. All these stupid
designers are so frigging pleased with themselves that
their neck sizes go up to 18 1/2 (and even 19 if you
order online! Wow!) and their jackets go all the
way to 48. Oh yeah? Well, make my 20-inch neck look
awesome with a tie wrapped around it, gaywads. And fix
me up a 50 regular in a jacket while you're at it, and
gimme a color other than black. Because I'm mad as
hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore. And slapping an XL
on a shirt that's actually a medium--Marc
Jacobs--doesn't make it so. It's a big plus-size
lie. So fuck all you designers out there who aren't talented
enough to attractively clothe the "everyday" people, the
us of this world. Someday we will destroy you and
eat you for dinner. There. That felt good to get off my
No drama here.
The best they can give us is Uli selecting a print and, as
usual, finding the perfect needle in the Moodstack.
Cut to Robert
commiserating with Jeffrey about not "understand[ing]
proportion on this kind of body." Yeah, well,
boo-hoo. This is where you learn about the rest of
humanity, Barbie boy. I LOVE THIS CHALLENGE NOW. I
have a renewed zeal for this show, and I want to be a guest
judge of fatness, sending home any dolt who can't
transform these women to look like the hottest
turned-out sluts of all time. Cut to Michael, who
already has immunity, who stole the skinniest model, who's
got the big idea to make a reversible dress because,
you know, that's no sweat off his
two-time-challenge-winning brow, and he's as smoothed-out as
a Kenny G lite-jazz jam.
Tim Gunn comes
back to tell everyone that he's sending in the models to
check on their progress. This is good. It never happens. The
skinny pro models don't see shit until it's going over
their heads. These women get to come in and start
fighting and laying down their ill-informed opinions.
And you know this is about to happen because of the sound
effects and blasty music after Tim says, "I'm sending
Cut to Corky
talking about how he and Uli's non-English-speaking mother
are so comfortable together. "In spirit," he
says. Does this have something to do with his dumb
crystal pendants? The ones he wears under his Tom Ford
button-free shirts? Or is this just more nonsensical babble?
Oh, fashion demigods, hear my cry. Isis, Shazam, all y'all,
please do something about this guy. He's hurting me
every moment I see him on-camera.
Tim Gunn consults
with Angela's mom, who's concerned that Jeffrey's dress
is going to make her look matronly. She says this wearing
the non-matronly ensemble of short, tousled,
late-middle-aged-lady hair, way-out-of-style glasses,
and V-neck sweater over striped button-down blouse. In
other words, she looks like the lesbian science teacher I
had in high school. That she does this with half of
the time gone is exactly the kind of sabotage I was
hoping for. Aggressive passive-aggressiveness. Well
played, Angela's mom.
Then Angela's mom
gets into a verbal battle with Jeffrey. He's not having
it and tells her to beat it. He says she's afraid of his
outfit because she's insecure. He walks off to do some
sewing. She's feeling victim-ish. He chalks it up to
her being Angela's mother. He may be right. She goes
off to whine to her wacky daughter, saying stuff like
"I'm so insulted" and "Nobody
talks to me that way" and "There's just so
much hate in his voice." She cries some
fashion-disrupting crocodile tears. Angela cries some
too for effect. They're diabolical, both of them. I know
I've hated a whole bunch of Angela till now, but I'm
beginning to see them as a well-oiled machine of
manipulation and other-designer destruction. And who
can't respect that kind of game plan? It's not like this
show's about the best designer anyway. It's a game
show, and the rules are: Win by any means necessary. I
bet they called Malan for some tips on how to really
throw down. (And how mind-shatteringly awesome would it have
been to see Malan's mom on this episode? Maybe she
would have thrown his designs on the floor again.)
With luck, their scheme will result in Jeffrey being
booted at the end. Now Jeffrey's mom tries to comfort
Angela's mom but does it without admitting that her
son can be a tool. Robert's hot sister sits on the
couch and looks annoyed, wondering why she bothered with all
Two hours till
pleased with himself. As usual.
Robert is not
exactly pleased with himself. Also as usual. Why so down on
your skills, Gay Arms? We all like you even though sometimes
your clothes don't make us want to go ape-crazy. Don't
you live in, like, West Hollywood? Where's your sense
Deadline come and
gone. It's midnight and we're back at Atlas:
Uli: I need some
wine. Laura: You're drinking wine now? I'm going
to bed. Uli: You're pregnant. Laura:
Oh, shut up.
Dear Writers of
All Sitcoms Everywhere,
writing shit like this little exchange above because it made
me laugh and laugh and laugh. Much more than anything I've
ever seen on Yes, Dear. I mean it. Learn from
these women. Or hire them. Whatever it takes.
Cut to Laura
talking about her new fetus. "I don't think anybody's
really ready for their sixth child, but five, six,
seven, it doesn't make that big of a difference. I'll
just throw it on the pile with the other ones."
Oh, Glamour Mom, how do I love you and your bitch-ass self?
Let me count the ways.
Tim Gunn sends in
the models. Jeffrey gives Angela's mom her dress and
she goes behind a screen with Angela to conspire on the next
step of their Kill Jeffrey Now plan. The microphone
picks up Angela saying, "Tell the judges
exactly how you feel. You have the right to be
honest." Translation: "Get him."
I'd be fully
on-board with Nike's "I Feel Pretty" ad if it
weren't for the fact that Nike employs child slaves to
make their shit. Let the Nike empire burn itself into
a hole in the dark demonic ground.
Back to the
runway. The outfits:
Laura/Jeffrey's mom = Time to frump it up on a Carnival
Cruise. Only Laura would get this dressed to hang out
at the buffet table. And she forgot to give the poor
woman a waist.
mom = Yow! It's an "everyday" butterfly! And she
strikes poses, which is what you want. Someone's been
watching Mo'Nique do stand-up on BET late at night.
And speaking of Mo'Nique, why isn't she the guest
judge? I mean no disrespect to Kors's mother, Karl
Lagerfeld, but shouldn't a famously "everyday" lady
have a voice in what looks good on the other
mom = boring black sheath with stupid wings for a collar.
And it's all bunched up in front and in back because the fit
sucks. Can we please get rid of him now?
Kayne/Michael's mom = She may like her potatoes smothered in
gravy, but why you gotta smother the woman in two
layers of the same color? She looks like she's wearing
a coral bib. And the short pants chop her in half so
that now she's 3 1/2 feet tall. Good going, Okie.
mom = Angela has designed a funeral frock for the
Headmistress of Jubilee Jumbles. It's both hippie and
sack-like, fringy and tame. How does she accomplish so
much ugly with so little time and fabric? Angela says,
"She really embodied the spirit of casual
elegance." This is because Angela has no idea
what casual elegance is.
sister = As expected, no one can do right by the most
"everyday" woman on the runway. It's a red and black tent
from TJ Maxx, like Robert snuck out in the night and
broke into one, stole it, and just threw it on her.
Please, Gay Arms, for the sake of all that is
beautiful in this life, why are you throwing away your
chance? For her part, Corky's sister looks genuinely
upset to be here. Like clinically depressed upset.
It's wrong to laugh. But...
Michael/Robert's hot sister = the reversible black-and-white
dress is rad, he's got immunity, and she's almost as
skinny as one of the regular models. It's really fair
to no one.
Jeffrey/Angela's mom = She galumphs down the runway to spite
him, smile on her face, bizarre deep purple and
periwinkle dress hanging horribly on her like an
asymmetrical parachute, the lady warden in a Bauhaus
Time for Heidi,
Kors, Nina, and Karl to pull out the forks and knives:
Michael's smart shirtdress. Heidi loves that it's completely
reversible. I like the big bow. It looks like a gift you can
They love Uli's
drapey, printy winged victory top. Kayne's mom says,
"I would wear this when I go out to eat or
sumpin' like that with my husband." Red
Lobster, cast this awesome lady in a commercial right now.
Get her crackin' open one of them claws with Tim Gunn and
They're not down
with Kayne's stuff. Nina hates
"matchy-matchy." Me too. Dumb Kayne.
Heidi speaks to
Uli's mom in German. She responds with something long and
guttural. Heidi says that means she likes it. I need to call
my German friend Thilo and get a real translation on
this. If I can get him to do it, I'll spell it out
next week. Because Heidi's version sounds like a
subtitle on a martial arts film. Five minutes of talking and
then the word "Wow!" at the bottom of
the screen. Kors likes it. Even Nina likes it. And OK,
now that I'm seeing it again, I will concede that the belted
bit in the middle is pretty good. But it's still nothing you
want to be caught walking in. And I think a big prank
is being played on me.
No one likes
Robert's big red and black monument to sadness. And they're
right. He could go home for the crime of being dull, and
he'd deserve it right now.
Next up is
Angela's Casual Elegance. "To be honest with you,
Angela," says Nina, "I feel it's almost
too young. It seems age-inappropriate." Kors
calls it "Stevie Nicks in black," which sounds
like a diss of Stevie's shawl-conscious glamour. Ms.
Nicks would never wear crud like this.
They wave away
Laura's first major mistake, not counting the
over-reliance on fur-trimmed collars.
Jeffrey explains that Angela's mom expressed
body-consciousness and that she wanted to be covered. So he
mummified her. Now she can be the world's oldest extra
in an Evanescence video. "If I were in an
exclusive department store and saw this," says
Angela's mom, "I would walk right by."
Kors calls it a "confused outfit." Angela gets
to pipe up and call it "embarrassing." Why
does Angela get to comment on this? Why doesn't
Jeffrey get to talk shit about her fringe-gasm?
Heidi's thing is
to say, "Who do we love?" and "Who do
we hate?" You can tell she especially likes to
say, "Who do we hate?" But, you know, who
wouldn't like that one more, really?
They love Uli,
They hate Angela,
Kayne, Robert--Kors begins snoring, Nina says,
"There was no effort seen in
this."---and, as expected, Laura and Jeffrey.
Kors says of Jeffrey's piece, "It looks like
Commes des Garcon goes to the Amish country."
Somewhere in Japan, Rei Kawakubo just got the idea for
her Fall 2007 collection.
back up on runway:
Michael = Has
immunity. He's In.
Laura = In.
The winner =
Corky. I can't even begin to explain this. But it's becoming
a tradition this season that the best design is robbed of
its rightful win, so sorry Uli. You can fuck off with
your artful, expert eye for pattern, proportion,
silhouette, and color. This guy with a screw loose is
the clear Bizarro World champion. Everyone am ecstatic
forever! I hope Laura rips into him again like she did
Uli = In. Oh,
thanks for that. What an honor.
Kayne = In.
Angela = In.
Jeffrey = In.
And it's a
farewell to Gay Arms. Sorry, dude, but you were too nice and
normal. Cut to backstage with everyone crying over his
departure, including Jeffrey. Gay Arms is thoughtful
about his "limits," which is the kind of
self-deprecation that decent people always default to. He
should shut up about that kind of thing. Tim Gunn says,
"We're going to miss you terribly. We really
are." When you get that kind of goodbye from
Tim Gunn, then you really were beloved. Like Andrae-level
love. I expect Nina to come backstage and put her
tongue down Robert's throat. Kors's mom, Karl
Lagerfeld, just pulled out her Sidekick and got online to
order a sterling silver Hermes tear-catcher that
doubles as an evening bag. Everyone wants in on the
weepy moment. Until next week, when weeping will be
declared "five minutes ago" and bold cruelty
will be back in style. Angela waits patiently, honing
her plan of attack.