The best part of
the show this week never made it onto the show. It's
a clip you find on Bravo's site now with Tim
Gunn and Christian competing in a model walk-off.
Christian, whose hips are made of ball-bearings, wins
handily, causing Heidi to tell Tim Gunn that he needs to
loosen up his sashay a bit. This is like telling Tim
Gunn that he has to shop at Wal-Mart for the rest of
his life. The stick up his ass is part of his charm.
But Heidi won't give it a rest and takes this
opportunity to lunge at Tim Gunn and tickle him in a
way that infuses fresh new jolts of sadism into the
word merciless. Tim Gunn turns a deep red and
giggles uncontrollably in the clutches of the Aryan Queen of
Doom, who for her part doesn't stop until she
has nearly asphyxiated him. It's staggeringly
good. So of course it's not airing on actual TV.
waste any time with the
where-you-are-and-what's-happening in this
episode. The first thing we see are bottom-of-the-screen
3 DAYS UNTIL
Shit is all
serious now. Christian says, "I'm nervous.
I'm scared." The next thing we see is
Rami, on interview cam, talking about how he noticed
Christian noticing his collection and becoming concerned.
And he has no choice but to say this with an air of
smug superiority, like, "Clearly I am the
sophisticate and this child is a clown and now you at home
can all see that I am the true number 1 man now.
Triumphant!" Then he stares and stares as Tim
Gunn comes in and tells Jillian that her
doesn't look like it fits in the collection.
Christian concedes that both Jillian and Rami are
great designers and that it "messes with my
So now, after all
this time, we get to see a touch of insecurity from
Christian, even if it is just a way for the producers to
make a last-ditch attempt at suspense now that
everyone with a computer and reason to care has seen
all five of the final designers' collections at
Fashion Week. We're not going to see Sweet P's
or Chris's here, by the way. The show has
decided to pretend that they're not in New York, in
the next room even, getting their shit together for
the shows, even though we all know they were. Did they
have to room together? Or did the show just toss them
out onto the street and say, "Decoy collections fend
for themselves! Banished!"
The three of them
go to a model casting and all of them want the same
girls. "Let's see the hair," says
Jillian to one of them. The model unravels her clearly
unwashed, unstyled hair. This, I've learned, is
common. Model pal Elyse said so, telling me, "You can
go straight from the plane to the shoot. You just
splash some ice water on your face. Easy. But
there's nothing you can do about your greasy-ass
hair. That's the hairstylist's
2 DAYS UNTIL
fittings day. They meet with Collier Strong for makeup
consultations. And on the usual tip, the show tries to milk
drama out of more than one model showing up at once.
How, oh, how will Jillian handle the stress?
Rami would like
to interrupt the show again to announce that Christian
has a lot to learn about designing for real women and not
just models. Oh really, Rami? Hey guess what?
I've got a 65-year-old stroke-patient mom in a
wheelchair who can only wear pull-up elastic-waist pants
now. Can you whip up something chic for her that also
meets her limited mobility challenges? No? Oh, darn.
Christian's current fitting model, the one wearing
what appears to be a bondage outfit with a skirt, is
complaining about the torture shoes he wants her to
walk in. "It's not all about comfort,
lady!" he snaps back. Then he bitches at her
for sitting down in the skirt he just put on her. Then
he tells them on their way out to be really skinny and
don't eat before the show. A few minutes later
he tells one of them not to bend her arms in the
outfit. So there it is, women viewers. Fashion designers
want you please to be shutting the fuck up so they can
dress you like outrageous toy dolls. And although I
fully approve of his unwearable collection because a
good runway show doesn't always have much to do with
what an actual human being might be able or even want to
wear, I think the gofugyourself.com girls said it best
when they mock-quoted Karl Lagerfeld that one time:
"To look like a freak is to be alive with
fashion! Also wash your face in champagne!"
that her models are not a coherent visual group. Oops,
too late. She's stuck with them.
Tim Gunn comes in
for "one last gather-round." He gives them
their show order: Jillian first, then Rami, then
Christian. And then he gets as borderline emotional as
Tim Gunn ever gets and tells them all how proud he is
of them. Then there's a group hug. Does anyone ever
get any satisfaction from a group hug?
DAY OF SHOW
The three of them
are shown walking up to the tents. Chris and Sweet P
just got yelled at by a production assistant, "GET
OUT OF THE SHOT! OUT OF THE SHOT! NOW!"
They're also being forced to carry not only all their
own collections but the collections of the other three as
well. Heidi is riding in a rickshaw attached to their
backs. Rami says, on interview cam,
"There's something about Fashion Week in New
York City. It's sort of like standing directly
in front of the heartbeat that pumps the bloodstream
of the fashion industry." He continues, "And
that bloodstream carries in it tiny particles of Red
Bull and nicotine and cocaine, all of which make
things superchic and glamorous for all the chambers and
ventricles and aortas and other heart-related words
associated with fashion
2 HOURS UNTIL THE
Fittings. Late models making Christian's life hell.
And here come
Bravo-level celebrities like Laura, Andrae, Kevin, Jack and
his Top Chef boyfriend, Jay, Kayne, Victorya, Tyson
Beckford, Nikki Taylor...
tried to reason through my irrational love of Victoria
Beckham (who, by the way, is wearing Buddhist monk
robes, repping for her new sponsor, Orange Julius).
But there are no answers. I can't explain it to
you or to myself. But I think there's something
really hilarious and artificial and sweet and phony
and excellent about her. And listen to that crowd go
nuts for her. I mean, I know you can't actually
listen because you're reading this instead of
watching it. But you probably watched it too. And if
you didn't -- and for some reason I get tons of
emails from people who say they don't watch a second
of the show but they read these recaps anyway,
something I don't get, but thanks, folks --
then you should just know that people go ballistic when they
hear someone say that Posh is in the room. They feel
like I do. It's good to be validated.
not going to sit here and try to describe 36 separate
outfits for you. If you're dying to see them
you can find them all online. You can even see Sweet
P's and Chris's. But I'll try to
pretend I'm a judge scribbling what comes into
my mind first as I see these ladies canter down the
Collection: = Top heavy collars. Miniskirts for winter with
bare legs. Hats stolen from Balenciaga. Wacky sweaters for
the horsey set. Holes in things. Electra-Woman.
Collection = Weavy, woveny weaves of wovenness worn by
Sigourney Weaver. Teals and rosy pinks inspired by
Tracy Nelson on Square Pegs. Some diarrhea. The
Jolly Green Tranny Giant. Ruffly lampshades.
Christian's Collection = Severe black. Also some
severe black. Then some severe black. On top of severe
black. Oh, look, there's more severe black.
Then feathers. With some feathers piled on it after being
smothered by a pillow made from a feathered sea monster. Can
you tell I like this one the most? Why wouldn't
I? He's the best thing about this whole damn
Time for judging:
Blah blah blah
praise etc. None of the judges have anything negative to
say, beyond Christian's collection being somewhat
heavy-handed and Jillian's being somewhat
incoherent in odd moments and Rami's color
palette coming off as suspect. But does any of that matter
when Posh tells Christian what a fan she is and how
"major" she finds him? No, because
that's all that matters. Then she tells him
that he made her smile and that "I'm not
easy to make smile." Because her face can't
do that anymore.
Christian wins. And then he cries, which is weird. And also
very sweet. I almost feel something right now. I mean,
I don't. But almost. Posh lays it on
even more while Christian's in a weak moment,
telling him how much she adores him. Translation:
"I'll be sending over some assistants to
get some free clothes. I'm a size 0 on a fat day, 00
after my blood-recycling treatment and purge day at the spa.
I smelled a lemon for breakfast this morning.
That's what it takes."
Then they hand
Christian the keys to his new Saturn. It's bigger
than his apartment. Now all he needs to do is get a
driver's license. Chris and Sweet P are forced
to stay behind after everyone leaves and break down
the sets by themselves.