For more than 30
years, the forces of
Parents,
Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
have been uniting to make the process of coming out -- and
subsequent conversations with family members, friends,
and coworkers -- a little bit easier. Founded in the 1970s,
today the all-volunteer organization boasts more
than 500 independent chapters worldwide.
As the latest step
toward raising awareness and understanding about LGBT people,
speaker bureaus have been organized as offshoots of
local PFLAG chapters. These bureaus host free panels at all
sorts of organizations -- high schools, colleges, businesses,
employee groups, labor unions -- to help members and
participants understand issues surrounding sexual orientation
and gender identity.
A typical panel
includes straight parents of a gay son or daughter, a gay man,
a lesbian, and a transgender person. Each speaker opens with a
three- to five-minute introduction about the personal
experience of coming out or how it felt when their
child came out. They share the "aha"
moments and the intense feelings that came to
the surface through the coming-out process.
Several years ago, a
friend approached me about speaking for PFLAG, which felt like
a worthwhile way to give back to my L.A. community. I went
through the training and began signing up for speaking
engagements at local high schools. Through this process, I met
Andy Birnbaum and Ron Elecciri, the two men responsible for
keeping the bustling Los Angeles bureau alive and running. They
coordinate all of the Los Angeles-based speaking opportunities
and training sessions.
Birnbaum,
39, is a Long Island native and works as a
labor union attorney. Elecciri, 44, grew up in Orange County
and works in TV development at Disney. They have been a
couple for 11 years and married in San Francisco in
2004 and again in Los Angeles last summer.
Advocate.com:How did you learn about PFLAG?Andy Birnbaum:
When I came out to my family, I basically gave them a gay
yellow pages-type book, but they wanted more support. My mom
discovered PFLAG and absolutely loved it. My parents then
became membership outreach coordinators. I began to speak on
panels with them, which was a really incredible experience. In
1998, I moved to L.A. and sought out a local chapter of PFLAG.
They were organizing the newly formed speaker bureau, so I
volunteered to head it up.
Ron Elecciri:
I came out late -- at 32 -- and fell in love with Andy. Then I
had to come out to my Catholic, Latino family. Andy's parents
were a tremendous help in supporting that process. I wanted to
give back and contribute, so I became the co-coordinator. Ten
years later, we've never looked back.
Are both your folks in PFLAG?Andy:
My parents were active speakers. Ron's family participated
through marching in parades and staffing the booth at
festivals.
What is your motivation after all these years?Andy:
It's an incredible experience for the speakers and the
audience. I see the difference it makes with each engagement.
One time we spoke to a high school class in the valley. After
the session, students handed in comment cards. One card said,
"When he/she heard the speaker topic, they were angry that
those type people would be coming, but after listening, they
felt ashamed over their anger." We get that response all
the time and it keeps us going. The message we try to impart to
the audience, who is often young, is that it's OK to be
yourself -- whatever that means.
Ron:
This outreach is a chance to educate society, which is how we
overcome homophobia. We put a face on what it means to be LGBT.
This past administration was so divisive, and now I feel part
of the solution. It's cathartic and feels like we're making a
difference with the youth. For many of the kids, this is the
first time they've seen or engaged with a gay or transgender
person, so it's really educational and impactful. A girl came
up to one of our transgender speakers after a panel and said,
"You are just so brave," which is absolutely true. These
comments have really stayed with us over the years.
Do you have any colorful stories about panelists'
experiences?Andy:
During a speaking engagement last year, someone taped the panel
and then posted a botched-up transcript on the Internet. They
used it as a tool to dislodge school board members and
ban PFLAG from coming back to the district, which is
heartbreaking. It truly terrifies some people to have us
telling our stories.
Thankfully not all administrators feel that way, right?Ron:
Yes, there are success stories to tell as well. Dozens of
teachers (gay and straight) invite us back annually to speak.
And we've also had antigay teachers and faculty change their
mind and welcome us back once they heard the message and saw
the benefits of the panel on the students. People's attitudes
change once they hear personal stories.
Andy:
Having parents on the panel is particularly influential because
they can describe their experience of having a child come out
and loving them through it. Repeatedly, we've seen anger turned
into acceptance. Lifetime's
Prayers for Bobby
is a common PFLAG family story, which we share on the
panels.
How do you train the speakers?Andy:
We break out in small groups and talk through our stories. We
encourage them to talk about feelings and personal experience
versus arguing Scripture, which is a losing battle. Rather,
they can talk about how it felt to be rejected or disappointed.
People can't argue with your emotions and feelings. At the
trainings, participants are given model questions so they can
know what to expect, because it can be a little scary your
first time.
What do you think makes a good panelist?Ron:
I think someone who is not afraid to express his or her
feelings does well. We've also noticed that when the
demographics of the panel match that of the audience, we have
more success, as the cultural hurdles are lower.
Andy:
A sense of humor really captures the kids and helps them
connect with the speaker as well.