Why lesbian aunts are the hidden backbone of every family

This story originally appeared on Them.

Did you know that today, July 13, is Lesbian Aunts Day? Did you even know that there’s an entire day devoted to the sapphic sisters of your parents? Well, there should be. Because lesbian aunts are the givers of the best birthday gifts and — I can only say this because I am one — the weirdos who make family hangouts interesting in the first place.

When my only nephew first found out I was a lesbian, he pointed out with all the tact of an ’80s standup comic doing hacky “battle of the sexes” material, that women like to talk a lot. Therefore, he reasoned, two women in a relationship could lead to an excess of conversation. I can forgive him this offense because he was, like, eight years old at the time but also because he was right, maybe. Sometimes there is too much talking. I think he’s reformed now, but to be honest, I wouldn’t know.

Because this is the beautiful thing about being a lesbian aunt, or at least one who only has to do childcare on rare occasions: You get to be a completely random and intermittent presence who arrives and leaves at will. To my nephew, I am the weird trans lady who wrote the Bigfoot book and who plays way too much Elden Ring when she comes home for Christmas. I have the hobbies of a gay recluse who has opted out of a heteronormative life trajectory. My nephew’s other aunts and uncles, though fascinating people, have more discernible rhythms. I am ungovernable.

That doesn’t mean I’m not a kind lesbian aunt! It is important to meet the minimum basic requirements of the job. These include, but are not limited to, buying cake pops, playing kart racers, and watching those YouTube videos in which Australian guys drop things from great heights. Or maybe those are just specific to my role. Every lesbian aunt has a different collection of random tasks, and that’s what makes lesbian aunthood beautiful. Maybe you are the lesbian aunt who gives rides to soccer practice or perhaps you are the lesbian aunt who knows how to do a particularly advanced friendship bracelet knot. No matter what, your contributions are important. Thank you for your service.

Being a lesbian aunt is all about learning from each other. I believe that my nephew knows a lot more about the works of Japanese video game design philosophy of Hidetaka Miyazaki because of my influence on his life. And thanks to him, I found out that a one-ton ball made entirely out of rubber bands wouldn’t actually bounce that high when you drop it from a helicopter, which was disappointing to find out. Look, clearly he’s getting the better end of the deal here. One day, when he becomes a Twitch challenge runner who mains Elden Ring 2 — which will probably be one of the only remaining viable occupations in the 2030s —he’ll thank his Aunt Samantha. I’ll have been converted into biofuel for a data center by then, like all people over 40.

To attempt a serious note, lesbian aunts show that life doesn’t have to follow a specific game plan. Sometimes, we have children, sometimes we foster them, and often we have none at all. We often keep making cool art well into adulthood even if we work corporate jobs. We are also way more likely to have a boat than a straight aunt. Come to think of it, boat owner Brandi Carlile is kind of the ultimate lesbian aunt, isn’t she? In fact, she wrote an entire song with Elton John, “Caroline,” about her niece, which is tough to beat. Couldn’t she just buy a cake pop or two? She’s setting the bar too high! Should this be International Brandi Carlile Day, and the rest of us lesbian aunts just share it with her? I digress.

No, I didn’t digress; I went on the kind of mildly amusing but completely inessential tangent that makes lesbian aunts the seasoning of any family gathering. We may not make the world go round, but we make it strange. So a Happy Lesbian Aunts Day to all, but most importantly to Brandi Carlile.

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