In the Jeffrey Epstein pit of venomous MAGA snakes, here’s which serpent will come out alive

Jeffrey Epstein wasn’t just a snake. He was sinister. He slithered his way through the corridors of power, and academia, and he wrapped himself in privilege. Epstein got away with crimes for years so hideous and heinous.

His legacy is a verifiable black hole of victims, unanswered questions, and supposedly mountains of files. It would be beyond shocking if the FBI didn’t have mountains of files on this man who seemingly broke the law every single day.

I can’t get the images out of my mind of young girls being photographed and filmed coming in and out of his Upper East Side mansion, with one image showing a smiling Prince Andrew waving goodbye to one of the girls. And that was in just one day. Presumably, there were countless others being summoned to his home for “massages.”

Now, with the so-called “Epstein Files” reemerging in all the warped minds of today’s MAGA-fueled paranoid provocateurs, it seems only fitting that another devil, Donald Trump, would be right at the center of the pit.

Trump insists he barely knew Epstein. Right. Like he once said he didn’t know his 2016 campaign manager, Paul Manafort. The photos of Trump and Epstein say otherwise. They are grinning, pointing, and partying. The same empty laughter, the same glint of unapologetic guilt.

Trump once said, fawningly, about Epstein, "It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side."

They were birds of a feather. Or more appropriately, snakes of the same scale.

And now, with the Epstein swamp burbling again, we’re watching a MAGA-scaled feeding frenzy, as a den of repellent snakes writhes and poisons over the fallout of the once “deep-state” Democrats hiding the truth to the “betrayal” of the Trump administration literally hiding the truth.

Last week, Attorney General Pam Bondi, herself a foaming-at-the-mouth MAGA conspiracy theorist troll who also demanded that the Epstein files be released, and her Justice Department said such a list of Epstein conspiracy figures didn't exist. How about that?

A memo from the DOJ read: "This systematic review revealed no incriminating 'client list.' There was also no credible evidence found that Epstein blackmailed prominent individuals as part of his actions. We did not uncover evidence that could predicate an investigation against uncharged third parties."

Well, Bondi might as well have poked a stick into a nest of copperheads.

If you followed the ins and outs of MAGA mouthpieces over the years as I have, there was one conspiracy theory they railed about that was far and away above all the others, and that was the supposed cover-up by Democrats of Epstein’s crimes, his files, and his supposed suicide. Surely, they surmised, this deceit by the Democrats was to shield folks like Bill Clinton from culpability about Epstein.

And on the campaign trail, I recall hearing and reading Trump frequently telling his MAGA-followers that he would release the Epstein files, and expose the truth once and for all. It was in the same breath when he said he’d lower prices, end the wars in Ukraine and Gaza. So, you see, Trump hasn’t acted on any of these pronouncements, so it’s all par for the course.

Alex Jones, one of the loudest of venomous vipers, melted into a red-faced, snot-dripping tantrum, breaking into tears and screaming about those “deep state Democrats hiding the truth.” The irony of Alex Jones, found liable for lying and Sandy Hook denier, weeping over truth is almost Shakespearean.

Then there’s Tucker Carlson, who, despite being exiled from mainstream TV, latched onto the Epstein files like a bloodthirsty python, using them to stoke fears that a Satan-loving, liberal, pedophilic cabal runs the world. Never mind the facts. Never mind Trump’s long-time association with Epstein. Carlson knows that a salacious conspiracy plays better than logic and complicated truths.

And don’t forget Kash Patel and Dan Bongino, Trump conspiracy theorists extraordinaire, turned FBI leaders. I’m sorry, but those two leading the FBI is a horror movie in and of itself. Both Patel and Bongino, as former loud and crazy MAGA flamethrowers, repeatedly called for transparency about the Epstein files. They made wild insinuations about Obama and Biden-era cover-ups.

In fact, Patel said while Biden was president that the director of the FBI should release the Epstein files. Taking a page from Bondi, Patel is the director of the FBI, so…why not release them, Kash?

And Bongino said that if they (Democrats) are lying about Epstein, they’re lying about everything. So, Dan, are you lying?

Together, these snakes form an ouroboros of paranoia, biting their own tails, swallowing each other’s lies, high on each other’s rage and performance. The Epstein case, in their telling, is no longer about the real victims of justice; it was MAGA mythology, weaponized as fact. And with that gone, things can only go downhill from here.

And while they all hiss and snap and inject venom at each other, only one serpent will emerge from the pit without a fang mark. Only one will survive the chaos of their own making.

Donald Trump.

Of course, he will. He always does. Just as Epstein dodged accountability for decades, so too has Trump. Impeachments, indictments, insurrections, none of it sticks. His cult of personality is armor. His lies slither through truth and justice. He just slinks. away.

The others. Bondi, Jones, Carlson, Bongino, Patel, and more, will burn each other for attention, poison each other’s credibility, and fade. And, more biting, once Trump no longer needs them, they’ll be cast aside like snakeskins in the sand.

Trump, though? He’ll slip through, just as he always has. In the cultic world of MAGA, he is the snake charmer, not the snake.

But...and it’s a big one, and I take no pleasure in saying this, but for once, I want to hear more from Elon Musk. What was he referring to when he posted on X after leaving the White House in a huff with Trump, "Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files," he wrote. "That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!"

Was he just being petty, or does he have the goods on Trump, and is he willing to come forward? And another domino that could fall, Megyn Kelly, no shrinking violet, thinks Trump might have directed a cover-up, and thus wants the files expunged.

At the end of the day though, birds of a feather may flock together, but in this pit, snakes of the same scale protect their king. Not because he deserves it, but because they believe he’s the only one who can survive it.

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