Study: Older Gays Fear Coming Out

As someone who didn't admit his homosexuality to himself until I was 35 (and there was an alcohol-driven six months between my first same-sex crush before I uttered 'I am gay' into the mirror one dreary hung-over morning), and didn't begin coming out until I was 43, I have deep sympathy and empathy with the Irish. There is no easy way to come out, whether to yourself or to others, when God has been hammered into you since your first waking moments. It may leave you in emotional turmoil to stay hidden in the closet -- and it does! -- but from that far side of the sexual divide, it seems safer and less hellish than facing family and friends and colleagues with your true self. I wish them all the best. I know it is the least they are going to need.

Social blacking listing, rejection by 'friends' and business associates and pressure and I mean outright pressure and rejection from family is the PRIMARY REASON why people in Arkansas never come out of the closet.

Light in to the darkness: after centuries of ignorance, we are finally going toward a New World. In the Old One, so many were forced 'to survive' at any cost in 'the norm' (of that time); now, finally, we can see where 'the norm' in the New World (we are going toward) has a lot more variations than the previous version of 'the norm' could handle, or even imagine. A New World awaits where a prince can kiss an enchanted frog that will turn into a charming male, too — if that's what the prince's dream is. (And, if the prince is really lucky, that charming male will know how to cook, as well.)

Yes Wes, alienating some of my neighbors [by coming out], my grand-kid's friends and a friend/relative or two of 50 years is not a prize worth the consequences. Homophobes [or racists] are not lepers and cannot be avoided. Neither are right-wingers but there are one or two of them in my small circle of friends. Were I to vocalize my disgust for their leanings [a form of 'coming out'], I would in turn be snubbed, so my liberal self remains closeted to them. Ideally, being 'out' includes being integrated into the larger society. In practice, it often means being relegated to a separate society [the gay ghetto] and that is not really being 'out' - it only means that the closet has been enlarged. The process of evolution will surely transcend this stagnation.

I married an opposite gender person, whom I love, to 'settle down' only to find out, during a momentary sepration, that was the REAL me. Now after having children and grandchildren, and loving them very much, I fear coming out to them or having a relationship that would alienate them from me. I'm 'out' to my workplace, gay (glbt) friends, mother, brothers, and sister. My spouse knows as do my children, but I don't want to lose my grandchildren. I'm sure that some day something good will happen.

Hey Wes---I'm 58 now. I know the hate people hold in their hearts toward gays. If these friends were TRUE friends being gay wouldn't matter. Being Gay is NOT a choice, but some people just don't have the ability to accept this.

'too many people I like would be alienated' (by knowing I was gay). Then why do you like them, knowing their homophobic ways? Why are they worth your admiration, time, your presence, your efforts of friendship, comradary, and so on? Life is too short for fearing you will 'alienate' some (obviously) close-minded people. Live your own life, not that that will please someone else. How many re-do's do you think you will get?.....by the way, I will be 58 this month.

In addition, the article raised the issue of isolation. I do not identify with isolation because I am not somehow less than whole or unfulfilled because I am not partnered. Living by yourself does not translate into being alone or lonely. Promoting partnering is lucrative - for businesses and capitalism in general. Therefore, the media hype surrounding being partnered has a tendency to introduce the notion that living alone is somehow unhealthy and unproductive - a small dose of brain-washing to promote buying and selling, if you will. There is absolutely nothing unhealthy about doing life by yourself. Self-sufficiency and independence are indicative of strength so I invite the media analysts to leave off interjecting supposed deficiencies of doing life without a partner.

Another main reason that it is hard to 'come out' at an older age is job protection, especially when someone is on the verge of retirement, ESPECIALLY in ANTIgay States and/or areas (SOUTH). This is one of the biggest reasons that I thought ENDA should happen even before DADT and DOMA. I think we would see A LOT more GLBT come out IF ENDA was in placed. I agree with some who have said that the military is a staple of our culture soooo... but as we see they still do not have equal rights, just the right to be gay and serve. ENDA would cross all cultures, professions, race, etc...Yes, I know the GOP controls the House and therefore...but what if the GOP controls the House or Senate or WH or all? Do we just keep playing nice, tell our stories, have sports teams make 'it gets better' video and WAIT 4 MORE FUCKING YEARS or MORE?

It's easy enough to say, 'Get over it and come out.' But it's not that easy to do when you've perfected the art of living in the closet as an adult for 20, 30, 40 years, having established friendships and a certain character within your community. They say that people come out of the closet when the pain of staying in becomes greater than the pain of coming out. Perhaps these people will never reach that tipping point. Let's face it: the gay community is often not welcoming to anyone over 35. If a 55-year-old man decides to come out, what will be waiting for him? What are the chances that he will find a long-term-partner, having never developed the skill of establishing and holding on to a relationship? 5%? 1%? Is it worth the risk of losing friends, family, and possibly a job and a home for something that is unlikely to ever materialize?