Mr. Cumming explains it all to you

Should the occasion arise, omnisexual actor Alan Cumming has tips for kissing chimps—he did it in the 1997 comedy Buddy—which he shares in the New York Daily News. “French-kissing a monkey is very different than kissing a human because they have gigantic, wet tongues, which are also very rough. It’s like soggy sandpaper.” Got that? But wait. He goes on: “The chimps misinterpreted my open-mouthed kissing as grooming, and they would start licking my teeth and under my lips as if I wanted them to look for lice.” But simian smooching is not all beer and skittles. One risk is that “ape flu is unbelievably brutal for humans. The day after I smooched with the chimps, I got so sick I wanted to die from aches and chills.” And, as you might imagine, “chimps have such bad breath.” Class dismissed.