Mr. Cumming explains it all to you

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Should the occasion arise, omnisexual actor Alan Cumming has tips for kissing chimps—he did it in the 1997 comedy Buddy—which he shares in the New York Daily News. “French-kissing a monkey is very different than kissing a human because they have gigantic, wet tongues, which are also very rough. It’s like soggy sandpaper.” Got that? But wait. He goes on: “The chimps misinterpreted my open-mouthed kissing as grooming, and they would start licking my teeth and under my lips as if I wanted them to look for lice.” But simian smooching is not all beer and skittles. One risk is that “ape flu is unbelievably brutal for humans. The day after I smooched with the chimps, I got so sick I wanted to die from aches and chills.” And, as you might imagine, “chimps have such bad breath.” Class dismissed.

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