It’s not like it’s tough to watch TV for a job. But like anyone in an office cubicle knows, it’s tough to break out of a rut. And as a professional watcher of stuff, I get in comfortable ruts sometimes. If you read this column regularly you’ve probably become really emotionally connected to my struggle to stop paying attention to Tyra Banks’s endless parade of really gross topics. But with the whole colonic-on-live-TV thing she recently did (complete with a re-enactment of her own personal irrigation and subsequent poop-splosion), I knew she wouldn’t be topping that for a while. So I took her out of TiVo and gave myself the goal of checking out 10 new shows I’ve never seen. Because it’s my job to keep you informed. And my guiding rule was no asshole conservative political shows—even though they’re awesomely funny—and no crazy religious stuff. Because until one of those people does something really wild like set themself on fire I just don’t want to give them a voice anymore. At least until I change my mind about that.

In no particular order, here’s what I poison-tested for you with my eyes:

1. Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew

This show had me at the intake question, “Have you ever masturbated to the point of injury?” It features some semi-famous people and some porn stars and one manic snowboarder (Jamie Lovett, pictured) and a guy from the band Skid Row, all of whom have presumably hurt themselves in the act of rubbing one out. In the Skid Row guy’s defense, he looks a lot less haggard at 41 than he would have if he’d been shooting up all these years, so at least sex addiction keeps you youthful. There’s a gay guy on there too. They haven’t really fleshed out his character yet beyond, “I like younger straight guys.” There’s already a bet in my house as to when that snowboarder is going to hump a trashcan.

Tags: television