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A Day's Worth of Trolling Trump: Your Handy Itinerary

Donald Trump

Elizabeth Warren has called Trump a thin-skinned bully, and he really appears to be. The more he's trolled, the more miserable he may make his staff -- and they may fight back. 

In the time of Donald Trump, it is important to remain aware and vigilant while also engaging in self-care -- turning from the news cycle to a mindless TV show for a little while if you're becoming overwhelmed, steering clear of social media, especially if you have a penchant for mixing it up with Trump supporters but you're also sensitive. One thing that's important is to inject some humor into your resistance. It's tough with Trump's latest horror revoking Barack Obama's administration's guidelines for protecting trans kids, but before the election and since, Saturday Night Live found the perfect way to mock and troll thin-skinned 45. The writers and cast members seize anything he hates and run with it. For instance, when rumors spilled out of the White House that Trump was so furious about a woman (Melissa McCarthy) stepping up to play his press secretary Sean Spicer that he didn't even tweet about it, SNL upped the ante and put McCarthy's Spicer in women's jewelry and shoes and added Kate McKinnon as Jeff Sessions and Leslie Jones as Trump himself to further press his insecurity buttons around gender identity.

Since Trump shows no signs of learning or growing, the most we can hope for is that he makes the people who work for him so miserable that they actually begin to take action or lay down some boundaries. So we've concocted a handy-dandy itinerary to help you troll Trump. Since there's so much he abhors and takes issue with, you have plenty of options. Some could affect him directly; some will just make you feel better.

7:05 a.m.: Wake up and check your phone.

Even before you climb out of bed, why not tweet #PeoplesPresident at Hillary Clinton since the hashtag was trending on Presidents' Day? Don't forget to tag Trump in your tweet, but don't follow him. He loves followers.

7:30 a.m.: Turn on NPR while you shower and get dressed.

Trump has vowed to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts. The cuts would slash PBS and NPR and would save only .0625% of his projected $4 trillion budget.

8:05 a.m.: Make your daily calls to your members of Congress.

Hold politicians' feet to the fire regarding any number of issues threatened under the Trump administration--the Affordable Care Act, the environment, etc.. Filmmaker and activist Michael Moore devised a 10-point action plan that offers helpful information.

8:15 a.m.: Get into you Prius (or any other high-mileage vehicle) and drive to Starbucks for a coffee

In the wake of Trump's horrendous travel ban, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz vowed to hire 10,000 refugees over the next five years. Since Schultz's announcement, Starbucks' brand perception has taken a nosedive. Apparently, there are more anti-Muslim Trump supporters in "Make America Great Again" snapbacks sipping Smoked Butterscotch Lattes than we thought. So Starbucks needs support!

While you're there, pick up a copy of The New York Times. It's one of the outlets Trump cites as "fake news."

8:30 a.m.: Meet with your accountant to do your taxes. Listen to the Hamilton soundtrack on the way.

First, Trump hates any discussion of taxes, lest he feel pressured to actually release his so that the American people get a picture of just who he's been in bed with. Second, Hamilton is a piece of art, and Trump hates the arts (see your itinerary for 7:30 a.m.). Also, let's not forget how Trump bravely stood up to the cast of a musical on Broadway in a tweet when Hamilton cast members respectfully asked Trump's right-hand man Mike Pence to consider the rights of all Americans when Pence attended a performance over Thanksgiving weekend.

10:30 a.m.: You discovered you're getting a sizable tax refund. Book a trip to Sweden.

Sweden had always seemed like one of the more innocuous places on the planet until Trump, at a campaign rally in Florida last week, stirred the pot of then-imaginary violence. Sadly, Violence did break out within days of Trump's curious remarks.

11:15 a.m.: You realize you're near a mall. Go shoe shopping at Nordstrom.

Another company on the receiving end of an outrageous Trump tweet, Nordstrom became a target when it dropped his daughter Ivanka Trump's clothing and accessory line. Company officials maintain that the decision was merely business, based on the line not performing well enough, but of course, Trump, a "successful" businessman, took it personally and tweeted, "My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom. She is a great person -- always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!"

Can't afford Nordstrom? You're not alone. Shop at T.J. Maxx and Marshalls. Those companies stopped promoting Ivanka's products.

No matter where you end up shopping, be sure to try on and strut around in some clothing that fails to conform to Trump's rigid ideas about gender. Remember, he likes women to "dress like women."

12:20 p.m.: You realize you have time a few minutes to kill. It's a good time to tweet at Rosie O'Donnell and tag Trump.

O'Donnell has been Trump's public enemy #1 since their famous feud over a Miss Universe contestant back in 2006. Tweet at O'Donnell and let her know you're excited to see her play lesbian activist Del Martin in ABC's upcoming miniseries When We Rise. Don't forget to mention you'd love to see her play Steve Bannon on SNL.

12:30 p.m.: That Starbucks you drank hit and you need a restroom. Go to the bathroom. Trump hates people who go to the bathroom (especially women).

During one of the primary Democratic debates, Hillary Clinton arrived back at her podium a few seconds late. Trump later lambasted her for it at a campaign rally, as if running to the toilet during a two-minute commercial break could produce toxic sludge (although, that he likely wouldn't mind). "I know where she went -- it's disgusting, I don't want to talk about it,"Trump lamented to a crowd in Grand Rapids, Mich.

12:32 p.m.: Search a for a gender-neutral bathroom for good measure.

After saying last year that trans people should be able to use whichever bathroom they like, the Trump administration just revoked guidelines put in place by Barack Obama's administration to help protect trans kids in schools. Frankly, we should all start using all of the bathrooms to really send a message.

12:45 p.m.: Call your Muslim friend to join you for lunch at an authentic Mexican restaurant.

Troll Trump's xenophobia in one shot. This gets to the heart of his anti-Muslim (the administration says it's not anti-Muslim, but let's call it what it is) travel ban, and it flies in the face of his Mexican wall to keep out the "bad hombres." Extra points for eating at one of those "taco trucks on every corner."

2:00 p.m.: Put on your pink pussy hat and take a moment to donate to Planned Parenthood

One of Trump's first moves following the inauguration, and two days after the record-breaking women's marches around the world, was to issue a cynical hit on reproductive rights in the form of an executive order that blocks foreign organizations from receiving U.S. aid if they administer or even counsel on abortions. The move is devastating to maintaining reproductive rights.

2:15 p.m.: Take in a puppet show.

Trump despises puppets nearly as much as women who use the restroom. In the third debate between Trump and Clinton, she spoke at length (well, as long as she could without being interrupted) about Trump's cozy relationship with Russia and, specifically, Vladimir Putin. She suggested Trump was Putin's "puppet," which sent Trump into a fit of repeating "You're the puppet. No, you're the puppet."

3:45 p.m.: You're driving past a Target. Stop and pick up tampons and a breast pump even if you don't need them. Walk around with them for everyone to see.

For a man who purports to love women, he sure thinks women's bodies are icky. Not only does he have a problem with women using restrooms, he's also grossed out by breast-feeding. He called a lawyer "disgusting" at a deposition in 2011 when she requested a break to pump breast milk.

Also, Target adopted a policy to allow its transgender customers and employees to use the restroom of their choice, so what better place to shop?

4:10 p.m.: There's an afternoon screening of Kristen Stewart's new movie at the theater around the corner. You decide you want to support it.

During her excellent turn as SNL's host on earlier this month, 26-year-old actress Stewart plugged her upcoming movie Personal Shopper, from her Clouds of Sils Maria director Olivier Assayas. She also reminded viewers that Trump kind of hates her and appears obsessed with her ex Robert Pattinson. She cited his Twitter rant about her split with Pattinson in 2012. "Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again -- just watch. He can do much better!" Trump tweeted before then inviting Pattinson to an event.

4:20 p.m.: While waiting for the movie to begin you remember to record Arnold Schwarzenegger's The Apprentice.

While speaking at the National Prayer Breakfast earlier this month Trump took the opportunity to bash Arnold Schwarzenegger as the new host of The Apprentice, insisting we should pray for Schwarzenegger and the ratings. Of course, Trump has a loose association with facts and numbers, so he inflated his success on the show. Schwarzenegger took the opportunity to troll Trump and tweeted that he'd be happy to swap jobs with 45. Supporting The Apprentice feels like a way to support Trump, but just imagine if Schwarzenegger's ratings dwarfed Trump's weekly.

7:00 p.m.: Head home. Pick up falafel for dinner.

Trump's travel ban targeted seven Muslim-majority countries. Middle Eastern food in general probably confuses him.

7:45 p.m.: Fill out Trump's biased media accountability survey while watching CNN.

Trump and company sent out a media "accountability" survey to Republicans, asking them to weigh in on whether or not the mainstream media are big meanies to him or not. Loaded with leading questions and extreme bias toward conservative outlets, it wasn't long before the survey popped up on so many left-leaning people's Facebook feeds that the administration re-sent the survey and asked people to take it again because Democrats were ruining the results. The only survey Trump likes is the one that tells him what he wants to hear.

Also, CNN was the target of one of Trump's "fake news" meltdowns for actually asking the tough questions and doing its job.

8:15 p.m.: Stream Florence Foster Jenkins.

Following Meryl Streep's moving call to empathy in her Golden Globes lifetime achievement award speech in which she never mentioned his name, Trump tweeted, "Meryl Streep is 'one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood."

10:40 p.m.: Have sex with someone of the same sex.

Why not? Everything is an act of resistance these days, and you could use a release from the news cycle.

11:59 p.m.: Adopt an endangered animal.

Just before you nod off you remember that Trump, who's never owned a pet, wants to kill the Endangered Species Act. There's no better time to sponsor a panda or a tiger.

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Tracy E. Gilchrist

Tracy E. Gilchrist is the VP, Executive Producer of Entertainment for the Advocate Channel. A media veteran, she writes about the intersections of LGBTQ+ equality and pop culture. Previously, she was the editor-in-chief of The Advocate and the first feminism editor for the 55-year-old brand. In 2017, she launched the company's first podcast, The Advocates. She is an experienced broadcast interviewer, panel moderator, and public speaker who has delivered her talk, "Pandora's Box to Pose: Game-changing Visibility in Film and TV," at universities throughout the country.
Tracy E. Gilchrist is the VP, Executive Producer of Entertainment for the Advocate Channel. A media veteran, she writes about the intersections of LGBTQ+ equality and pop culture. Previously, she was the editor-in-chief of The Advocate and the first feminism editor for the 55-year-old brand. In 2017, she launched the company's first podcast, The Advocates. She is an experienced broadcast interviewer, panel moderator, and public speaker who has delivered her talk, "Pandora's Box to Pose: Game-changing Visibility in Film and TV," at universities throughout the country.