10 Queer Men Discuss Sex, Desire, and Connection During COVID
| 06/18/20
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Photo credit: Daniel Jackont
As COVID-19 spreads and the future seems more threatening than ever before, we noticed a change. Our LGBTQ+ friends reported that borders seemed to shift, change shape, and even dissappear. A group of humans so consumed by passion are finding new ways of communicating while social distancing.
With sex and desire forced to stay under lockdown, room was made for real conversations that seemed to bolster our sense of community. We assembled a virtual study using real dating apps and talked to people from all around the globe, trying to come to an understanding of how this change looks and feels.
Below are fragments of these conversations.
All images are screen shots taken by Tair Adato on FaceTime calls.
What is most challenging for you at the moment?
The most challenging for me at the moment is not to dive into depression. I really enjoy being in contact with people which is quite complicated due to the situation. I am quite an active and social person in my daily life, and being forced to stay home is really exhausting emotionally. I am as well quite hypochondriac which is definitely the most annoying thing when there is a global pandemic.
What helps you stay positive?
I am a creative person, so it's quite cool to have some time to think. I am currently working on new choreographic creation at the moment, so I try to find some inspiration for it through music or theoretical readings.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
When will it end? How will the situation affect the world we leave in? Also hoping for some drastic political changes.
When will I be able to party again? When will I be able to have sex again?! This one comes really often to my mind.
How do you stay connected to yourself, to others?
As a performer, what keeps my mind active the most is going to the theater watching other people's works. A lot of artists are posting their full creation videos online now due to the quarantine, so I try to watch some pieces. I also love to listen and to discover new music so I do that a lot.
To stay connected with other I call my family and friends, I go on social media (maybe a bit too much though). I also use quite a lot the dating apps just to talk with new people or to exchanges some sexy pictures.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
I would say it's now easier to have real conversation with people and not only sex-oriented conversations. I also think that dating apps are trying to find new ways of making money, which is quite funny to notice. They give you access to premium functionalities for a week and then they turn them off and ask you to pay for it. Now Tinder is worldwide connected, that's how I got to meet Tair for example.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
Not sure that I understand the meaning of this question.. sorry.
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
Of course! I have some dates planned for after quarantine! I also finally took the time to take proper nudes, so I really enjoy sharing them with other boys while sexting.
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now.
It happened to me when I was 15, I guess. I grew up in the countryside in France, and I didn't know any gay boys of my age, so I used to go on cam-chat websites. I remember talking with a beautiful guy, a bit older than me, all night through. He was living on the other side of France. We exchanged our Facebooks and phone numbers and we were talking a lot for some months until we just stopped because of the distance and the absurdity of the situation. I remember that I really felt a deep connection with him. I also remember that I didn't feel the need to meet him in real life and that I really liked this virtual love story.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional now talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
I would say, yes. I think that relationships with boys is (sadly) to me intrinsically connected with social media or dating apps. Due to the world situation, I sometimes feel like my 15-year-old self looking for love on the internet when I talk with guys. As if I was thinking that the situation would never change and that we will just be able love each others on a virtual level.
What is most challenging for you now?
The most challenging thing for me right now is to stay creative and productive, since I'm a musician, being outside and meeting people always inspired me to write and produce, and now I feel kinda uninspired.
What helps you stay positive?
I think the wanting to get back to normal, get back to my work, and do my job properly.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
Self-reflection, politics, capitalism, human rights.
How do you stay connected to yourself and others?
Isolation is a great time for self reflection, it's kinda impossible not to look at yourself especially when you don't have enough distraction around. I'm chatting a lot with friends through webcam and Facetime, trying to keep the conversation going and socialize as as much as possible.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
It changed a lot actually, not only because of the "passport" thing on Tinder, but people now have more time to chat as well.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
A lot actually, hahaha.
Is sex on the menu?If so, is it fantasies of the outside world or taking on new shapes?
Yeah of course, sexual relationships are important for everybody, it's impossible not to want sex in isolation times.
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now.
I don't think so.... When I was younger I used to have crushes online and people that I fantasized but nowadays definitely not. I think that physical connection is the most important thing.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional when talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
I dunno... maybe? Right now, I'm talking with a lot of people on Tinder for example, people all around the world and since we don't have social connection directly for a while, we feel more curious to get to know each other.
I feel that since we are at our homes, not only we have more time but we have more interest to know more about other people's lives, about their reality and try to connect with them as much as possible. I had a lot of great experiences with online dating and most of them had the intention to meet and make things less virtual and more real. Now that we are social distancing and I feel that we are able to get to know some things about the other person that maybe can lead to something more interesting in the future. On the other hand we have the "passport" thing right now on Tinder that can connect a lot of people together, worldwide, that makes us feel closer to each other as a community.
What is most challenging for you now?
I think it's probably to be a kind of a dead body, swimming in a pool of negativity. It is so easy.
What helps you stay positive?
Talking with my friends, spending time with my sister and doing simple things like gardening or walking my dog. When I'm doing those things I keep in mind that great things will happen.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
I really can't to see the "after COVID-19." I'm also scared of it in a economic way and also political way, but I'm really thinking a lot about it. How we are all going to interact with each other. Also thinking about which cafe I will go to with my friends a lot to be honest.
How do you stay connected, both to yourself and to others?
To myself ? I'm writing a lot. It helps a lot and it always been useful to me. To others, I'm using social media obviously but not that much, I prefer calling.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
Well, I guess we don't have a lot of options to flirt and discover people. We have to stay home (stay home!) so online dating apps are the only way to do that. The feeling of mutual support is definitely there. It's heart-warming to see everyone supporting each other like this. Unfortunately it's only when something really bad happens, but it's still cute. And I haven't found someone who was feeling a 100 percent the same way I feel because we all live this quarantine differently, but we still understand each other. In fact, we aren't talking about the same things as we used to with my last matches. I don't know if it's deeper conversations but it's clearly not the same as before. Maybe we want to know a new side of the person we are flirting with.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
A HUGE place is left for unfulfilled desires. I miss physical interactions with people a lot and I'm a ball of desire right now.
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
Sex is not in the menu anymore. I mean, it's half of the type of sex I used to enjoy. But I guess as everything we used to know is going to evolve, sex will too.
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now.
I wish! But I do think as a romantic that read too many 18th-century love stories, my mind is not letting in enough space for a virtual flirt to become a love story.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
I'm definitely more open, because I do think we are all want to be positive and connect with each other. I might be more emotional too because, I don't know everything so weird, as we say in French: "je suis chamboule."
What is most challenging for you at the moment?
My biggest challenge at the moment is maintaining a normal schedule. I try to stick to my plans but I find myself just laying around all day and waking up at 7 p.m.
What helps you stay positive?
I don't use the terms positive and negative, but I guess the only thing that is keeping me grounded and not totally depressed is my dogs. They are the only reason for me to get out of bed.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
My most common thoughts these days are what will happen after the pandemic, not universally, but just what will happen to me. Because I had so many plans that fell through and now I need to see if they will still be relevant once this is over.
How do you stay connected? To yourself? To others?
I don't really like the virtual world so staying connected is difficult for me, I talk to the single friend I have on the phone and the rest of the time I just don't really interact with anyone. Also I don't have an Instagram account so I don't really know what people I know are up to these days.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
Being on Grindr and Tinder has really changed because of COVID-19; beforehand there were many guys that were just "looking for now" and now people are really trying to establish connections because they don't know how to handle their loneliness.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
There isn't much room for unfulfilled desires because I live in a remote area and meeting with guys is really not an option at the moment. Not just because of the pandemic but also geographically-speaking I'm not interested in the guys near me most of the time and they are definitely not interested in me.
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
Sex is not on the menu because my limited experiences were not "mind blowing" so I'm not going to break the rules or put anyone at risk for mediocre intimacy with people I've settled on. And cyber sex isn't really my thing as well and I don't find it fulfilling.
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now.
When I only started with these apps I kinda fell in love with someone on Tinder, but I soon realized that he wasn't looking for anything serious nor was I ready for something serious. And I remember this obsession with talking to him and waiting by the phone for him to reply was a really annoying experience so I don't really let myself "fall in love" on these apps.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
At the moment I'm more open and honest with the guys I talk to on these platforms because I know it's not going to develop into something real, so I don't care if I say the wrong thing or put someone off. Right now I just use those apps to pass the time. And most of the times it begins with a quick chat and then I get bored and move on.
What is most challenging for you now?
Being productive is one of most challenging for me.
What helps you stay positive?
Finding activities to do so I don't have times to think negatively myself.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
Feeling free to live and stay safe.
How do you stay connected? to yourself, to others?
Social media.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
People have more free time and since Tinder has free "passport" it's like I'm capable of meeting new people all the time.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
A bunch. I'm now a senior student and this situation makes me not able to do my project. I'm a fashion design student. I'm usually out buying material, and dealing with clothes. I don't have a boyfriend -- this what I want most actually, lol.
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
Yes of course, you haven't?
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now.
I don't think so.... When I was younger I used to have crushes online and people that I fantasized about, but nowadays definitely not. I think that physical connection is the most important thing.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
No, for me emotion happens after we see each other in person.
What is most challenging for you at the moment?
The most challenging part of everything going on is the never ending anxiety and uncertainty of what's going to happen next and after this all goes away (if it ever does). With that, my mental health issues that I thought were dealt with have come to surface and I'm having to face depression and the never-ending feeling of being alone (even prior to quarantine). But it has all become even more amplified as I have so much time to myself and by myself.
What helps you stay positive?
I recently started taking up gardening, which is something that I've been wanting to do for a while but never got the chance to. Having something to look forward to every morning and see visual progress is very stimulating; and seeing life begin from a seed is uplifting. Also, I'm very lucky to have roommates that are like a second family to me and they're there to talk to when I start getting overwhelmed.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
My most common thoughts have been about what I'm going to make of myself once this is all over. I don't want to go back to working retail because it's become very apparent how draining that has been on my person. I've been trying to think of ways to start my clothing line in such a trying time and I might be overcomplicating it but that happens when you overthink.
I'm also constantly thinking about my family, friends and pets back home, hoping that they're all safe and healthy.
How do you stay connected? To yourself, to others?
I've been staying connected with people that aren't in direct contact to me through social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook and FaceTiming them regularly. I have a few group chats that have come back to life because of this pandemic and that also helps. With myself, I've been able to reconnect with a part of myself that I thought I had lost, simply, by doing the things that I've always wanted to do and didn't get the chance before. Things such as gardening, decorating my home, drawing and coming up with new creative projects in design that require a bit more planning.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
In terms of online dating, I've noticed a change in communication. I've, actually, video chatted with some matches and held longer conversations with people nearby and people that are thousands of miles away than I would've before this pandemic. They seem more willing to connect in a deeper sense. The bios have also gotten a bit more humorous and creative.
The men who have messaged me online aren't asking the usual "Into?" questions, in my experience. It does come up but they're all coming from the understanding that we can't meet right now due to the circumstances and, because of that, we find each other having an actual conversation and getting to know one another.
Some are just surface level and some have been really good connections and they're actually people I'd like to know beyond the means of what a lot of them are on those dating apps for.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
Because I've managed to keep myself preoccupied with other matters, I don't have any desires that are screaming at me; but I'm sure they'll emerge soon.
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
Sex is always on the menu, lol. They're mostly taking shape in the fantasy of the outside world and I feel that my sexuality is going to be even stronger after this. Meaning that I'll put myself out there more and be more confident when it comes to flirting with people in public because it can all be taken away in an instant.
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now?
I have fallen in love, virtually. A few times but, then, something happens and the connection disappears. Whether it be my own anxieties about someone or they just disappear, etc.
When it comes to falling in love virtually, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I can't hear, see, or study how a person is saying anything. Therefore, my mind is over-imaginative and creates a different scenario than what might actually be going on. Meaning that, perhaps, the other person just thinks you're cool and you misread every message to be something more than what is written. But there have been instances in which we've both been mutually into one another and one of the two happens: I either freak out because I don't believe something like that could happen to me and they're too good to be true -- or the other person just ghosts me mid-conversation.. it's pretty sad.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
I actually don't feel that change in me. Maybe I'm more emotional and maybe I share too much on my social media because of boredom and a need to interact but I don't blame me, it is what it is. It has been interesting to see how everyone is dealing with this, you can see some people becoming more sensitive and different, it's all new to everyone, I think.
When it comes to guys opening up, it comes down to the fact that they have to actually hold your attention if they want anything to do with you because we're not going to go out when nothing is open and we don't want to risk the chances of catching anything. So, they seem more interested in the smaller details that you throw into the conversation and try to open conversations about those things. It's a very open playing ground, if that makes sense and we're all coming from a rather sensitive emotional/mental state due to our situation and I think that's causing them to be softer.
What is most challenging for you now?
The most challenging part of being isolated at the moment is keeping the mind focused on something, whether it is painting, reading, working, staying focused while not being too harsh on myself when I am not being productive because it's ok to do nothing sometimes. It's also been very challenging to live with my parents again, sleep on my old bed, adapting to their routines, there's an overall feeling of losing independence.
What helps you stay positive?
Staying positive doesn't happen every day. For me personally it helps to realize that we are in this together, it's not my fault, we must try to take out the best out of this situation. I had just moved to Milan and my life was supposed to be great at the moment -- new faces, experiences, places. Now I'm back in Portugal in my small hometown -- but I started painting again, something that I haven't done in years, I read much more now, I watch a film or more per day. Of course I miss riding the subway, going to a bookshop, meeting someone at a club. This is our new now and we must stay positive and not be hard on ourselves.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
My thoughts change like the weather, today my window looks grey and gloomy, yesterday it was bright blue and the sun was on my face while reading M Train by Patti Smith, she's so cool. The biggest and constant thought in my head is how everything is going to be after this? Are we ever going back to what we knew? Change is good and our society needed it but it was so fast, so sharp, without a waring, it can be overwhelming. I'm curious and scared -- how is it going to be in a month, one year? No one has the answer and that is scary to me. Being a Virgo, a planner, the unknown is scary.
How do you stay connected? To yourself, to others?
I am connected to most of my friends daily, Instagram and other apps help with that. I have some of my best friends living close to me, we sometimes go for a walk in the sun, we don't hug or are closer than two meters, but we don't have a screen in between. We listen to music, make plans, talk about our plans that were put on hold, smoke a joint, laugh and we return to our homes, our books, our movies, and thoughts. That's what it's been like for almost 40 days now. I am lucky to be able to live in a house with garden in a small city, I stay connected with myself the way I can, as much sun as I can. I go for a drive in my car into the villages near, the forests and some friend's house where I see them in the window. It's weird but it's our now.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
I haven't used dating apps that much, before or now. I went back on Tinder because the tool to change our location was enabled and I thought this was a good way to deal with my restriction of meeting new people from everywhere, something that I like to do. In this small town and small country even, it's easy to feel suffocated -- no new faces, no new brains, so this is probably my way to escape that. It's not the same, but it works for now and it has been interesting.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
There's always room for desire.
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
Not really, it is a weird time for sex as we know it. It comes in other forms and shapes.
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now?
I haven't. Well maybe yes, platonically. I fall in love many times with strangers at the club, or in the subway, or that photo that pops on my feed. Falling truly in love virtually, it never happens, but maybe it is coming with all of this change. It's something you cannot predict, it just happens.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
I actually don't feel that change in me. Maybe I'm more emotional and maybe I share too much on my social media because of boredom and a need to interact, but I don't blame myself, it is what it is. It has been interesting to see how everyone is dealing with this, you can see some people becoming more sensitive and different, it's all new to everyone I think.
What is most challenging for you at the moment?
At the moment, I think that the biggest challenge I face is the quasi-absence of surprise. Without external influences, the chances tomorrow will resemble today, yesterday, or even the day after, is high. I'm not a man of routine and usually, I'm relying on the unpredictable side of life and people to shake my certitudes and routine. Now, I have to be that for myself since nothing will come and disrupt my too tranquil quarantine.
What helps you stay positive?
Luckily enough, I have a garden which receives the first blessings of spring. I'm a huge fan of plants in general and lately, everything is blooming (that's some kind of surprise to an extent). I catch myself looking at flowers for a solid 20 minutes sometimes.
Or, since I'm in a countryside, I also often go outside at night to try to study the constellations, how they move, recognize the stars. I found that it's one of the only static things that doesn't bore me. All of that plus a good dose of music, painting, and psychoactive drugs.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
My mind tends to wander an awful lot and it's getting worse these days so there's quite a range. I'd however say that the crisis we face makes two big questions arise in my mind. First of all, since we are forced to be isolated from one another, I question a lot my relations to the others, the "other" in general, but also every particular relation I have. Since quarantine prevents my relation with others to truly fuel me, I have a clearer idea of what makes them unique, discover some toxic ones, and how complex some others are. It's simpler than usual theses days. Craving for something or someone is the best compass, you know what matters when you miss it. The second main thought that often cross my mind is less abstract. I'm thinking of our system as a whole. To be honest, I've been fighting a lot against it through associations, parties, political writing, and publications... And this crisis reveals all the flows that many predicted. I'm getting ready to fight harder so that all those past years of bad decisions we now harvest the consequences of are not left unpunished.
I am also very concerned and scared about domestic violence that may rise quickly during this crisis, and my thoughts go to those women. It's kind of linked to my previous point to an extent.
How do you stay connected? To yourself, to others?
As weird as it may seem, I'm calling people way less since the quarantine started. I'm not sure of why, though. I'd say that my main way to connect to myself and the other now is the solitary act of painting. I always vividly think of somebody when I paint (even if I am drawing something completely abstract). When I create something, I feel some sense of balance, equilibrium and harmony that connects me to the deepest parts of myself, as well as to the world. A canvas is also its own world, of which the painter is the god, dictating what's in it, what the laws are, how gravity is functioning. And at least in my paintings there is no quarantine and, to some extent, I'm surrounded by everyone I love in it.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
It seems to me that we all tend to get more cynical. We know there will be no meeting, no "real." What we get from a Tinder profile and conversation is just a tiny fragment of what a person is. Since there is no "real," it loses most of the appeal to me. I always thought the conversations on apps are so mundane but necessary to discover what's underneath, in real, with all the informations: body language, touch, promiscuity, live reactions, alcohol, hitting. But now we have to stick with the mundane conversations, as interesting or boring may they be. Some argue that COVID-19 just postpone the meeting, but realistically speaking, I don't think any of my conversations on Tinder will outlive the quarantine.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
Well, a lot. I would say that desires piles up without any possibility to be fulfilled. Again, I think I exorcise it by painting (as I noticed my paintings are getting kinkier as days come by).
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
Sadly no, sex isn't on the menu. In fairness, it hasn't been for a while (too long for my liking). I'm balanced between thinking that I unintentionally had a good training for the quarantine and thinking that without the COVID, there would be a good dozen people in bed with me right now. When it comes to fantasies though, I'd say that they are much more abundant now. Although, since I'm not meeting new people anymore, those fantasies are excavated from previous experiences (and I catch myself being turned on by things that I stopped being attracted to a long while ago) or my mind just creates new ones from scraps of what I know (or that I thought I knew).
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now?
Falling in love is difficult for me and as I said earlier, our virtual image is a pale copy of who we are. I think that the very least I need is to feel the intensity of reality, touch, smell, taste, look. To me, virtual love is 2D and not enough to fill my expectations. I am not a "falling in love person" unless something exceptional enough happen between me and the person. I don't think virtual contact would ever be able to provide that to me. And knowing that my texting skills are extremely poor, I don't think I'm a good virtual love material.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
I am a very sensitive person without being emotional. Vulnerability depends on the person I guess. All of this didn't change much. Being more open and accepting, yes. It started a bit before the COVID but the crisis magnified it a lot. As I said above, I do not call much, start much conversation for some obscure reasons. I guess that I am consequently much more open to the ones who come to me then. I am also much more curious and want to talk to a wider variety of person, with different backgrounds physics, bodies, stories. Maybe to slash a routine I hate and because I miss that opportunity I had in Paris to meet unique peoples, who behave, look, and are like nobody else. My countryside is dry when it comes to this.
What is most challenging for you now?
The most challenging for me is to stay home and see in the news what's happening around the world.
What helps you stay positive?
Well, my hope! When I see that there is a cure for COVID-19; I believe we are getting closer and closer to cure.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
Will I be alive when all this is over?
How do you stay connected? To yourself, to others?
I connect with myself through meditation, or when I practice some exhausting exercise that I do in the theater, and to others I use all the virtual platforms to keep close to them.
Also, being confined with my family is great, my parents and brother are really fun.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
I was never very good at online dating, because being an effeminate Black gay man in Brazil is almost an aberration, at least here where I live. But with the COVID-19 spread around, the virtual meetings were interrupted, not least because no one wants to take chances and be the next victim of this virus.
The cool thing about these apps is that you attract people who identify with you and your style, until you have a conversation and see if that person is really going to attract you or was it just an affection for style and aesthetics.
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
Hahha, I loved that question. Well, lots of space -- after all, our desires only tend to increase, even more in this quarantine.
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
Yes, of course! Receiving new shapes I think.
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now?
Yes, several times, but this is so cruel, because of the lack we become more dependent on electronic devices and we spend almost the whole day talking to the person who is miles away from us, I prefer to wait for all this to pass and then I think to get attached to someone.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
Yes, I think I'm more open and welcoming to talk, but if there is something that makes me vulnerable, it is the WORD, something bad that the person says to me and makes me feel bad, but it is like I always say, a hurt truth rather than a lie invented.
What is most challenging for you now?
I'm staying with my family at the moment for the quarantine time. Normally I live in Istanbul, before the pandemic I was staying in my own apartment. The problem is they don't know my true identity and if they would know, probably my relationship between mom and dad would be gone forever, sadly since they were raised religious-based, so in their mind it's a sin to be me.
Since the situation like this, in this whole time I'm not able to speak to anything that represents my own ideas and I'm not able to be me, it really drowns you out. It feels like you trapped in a box.
What helps you stay positive?
I believe in energy. If a person gives a good vibe and good energy to the environment that s/he lives in then s/he becomes happy. So in times like these I'm trying to focus on the good moments that I've had in the past. Also I'm trying to focus on the good side of everything I went through with. I mean, yeah, living with my family now makes me depressed since I'm not being me, however maybe I wouldn't have any chance to see them that long if there was no such thing called COVID-19. I spend time with them a lot now which is not usually something I'm able to do. Other than that, I always think people are doing their best to get over this pandemic.
What are your most common thoughts these days?
Most of the time I'm trying to be positive but sometime when lying in bed I think of the situation I'm in now and the before this pandemic. I compare those and it's sad actually I realize it doesn't matter. I wasn't living my best before the pandemic, now in quarantine I'm not living my best. And I think, after that, what's gonna change? What's the point of hoping that's gonna pass. I will have to go back to my own life that presents me nothing. I'm trying to change that. As I said before I got through times like this before. You give your energy with the help of the thoughts in your mind to the universe. Now I'm convincing myself everything is gonna be better.
How do you stay connected? To yourself, to others?
I'm connecting myself through the music. I listen to music all the time! It reflects how I feel, it expresses my own feelings to myself. (Can't wait to listen to the new Fiona Apple album). Other than that I'm trying to connect with my friends through the wire, with the help of the technology, of course. We remember the fun time we had together before the pandemic.
It's cool to see each others through the screen and talk but it doesn't feel like flesh.
What changes did you notice in online dating these days? How does COVID-19 affect engaging on apps, if at all?
I haven't been using dating apps for a really long time. I've just downloaded Tinder and found myself doing this (really happy to do). So I don't know about it yet, which way dating apps affected me in a specific way (of course, I can easily think that people are probably talking with each other through the screens, not in flesh since it's safer).
How much room is left for unfulfilled desires?
I think love is a desire. I'm 21 and never been in love. I know that I got a lot of room for love, but it makes me nervous. It make me nervous that I'm in the middle of my youth and never felt romantic about anyone.
Is sex on the menu? Is it shaped in fantasy of the outside world or are you receiving sex in new ways?
The tension of the skin, the rhythm of the skin, the feeling of euphoria. There is always a room for that. However I feel insecure about it most of the time. I have experienced it before, but I come from very strict religious-based family. Sex was a taboo for me for a really really long time. Since it was represented to me as a really bad thing for a long time I still have the ruins of that representation, even though now I know that it's a really natural; human desires.
In addition to that, it really gets new shapes with the age of technology. Technology is starting to shape new ideas of sex.
Have you ever virtually fallen in love? Maybe it's the only way now?
I've never fallen in love, as I said before. I hate virtual things about love. I think love has to be natural without pushing things, limiting things. I think technology takes the special atmosphere of love away. I don't know, it should be spontaneously not like "Hey yeah we match, let's talk!" However, in a situation like this, people connect with each other through the screens. This is the only thing all people have now -- finding the love through the screen.
Do you feel vulnerable, sensitive, more emotional talking to other guys? Maybe more open and accepting?
For me, I don't like texting that much. It takes my naturalness away, I think. Since the people have to stay inside I'm taking my chance through the wire. I'm not getting the vibe of being more open to anyone because I know that we won't be able to see each other for some time before it all ends up. I think the situation closes me more.
What makes you go back to dating apps these days? Is it comforting in a way?
When you are in a quarantine it kinda makes you feel more lonely I think. When I get that kind of feeling I just wanted to see people around me. I just want to feel that I'm not alone, and I'm seeing that a lot of people are feeling the same way. It's not even for talking to people. I just wanted to see people even though it's just through the phone. It really made me calm in a way and and I didn't feel alone for a while.
I know a lot of people are going through the same things that I am. Queer people in this area have been facing this situation for a really long time. While some of my friends' parents are really open minded about it, most of the people I know have conflicts with their family in a really tiring way. I think it's because of the culture that we have in Turkey. Yeah in some point it's about religion, however I know people that are going through the same thing even though their parents don't belong to any religion. I think it is about the socio-cultural background that this region has throughout history.
If you could share a surprising experience on an app from nowadays.
Actually I never thought that I'm would be a part of a project like this with the help of a dating app. As I said before, I just downloaded it to feel not alone, just to see people through the screen then suddenly I just find myself doing this, answering these questions. I'm really happy to be a part of it. It's nice connecting with people with my own story. Most of the people are also going through it and I'm really happy to be a voice for them.