Yawnur

It's the reunion show. Time to sit on a couch and not fight. Or say outrageous things. Or be compelling. At all.

This'll take no time. And I'm not lying when I say that. Almost nothing happens in this episode. Everyone's so Pleasantville and dull. Except Christian. And Elisa. And weird, upset Carmen. And Victorya, who kind of won me over again with her icy, emotion-free glare.

Here they are, in case you forgot. And you probably did:

Simone -- The first time the camera cut to her I thought, Who's that? Was she on the show? Claims that people recognize her. Is without question making all of that up.

Marion -- If he'd stuck around, I think he would have been a close contender for Most Annoying Person after Ricky. Gives off a sort of puffy petulance that demands respect but offers none.

Carmen -- How Carmen functions without a working epidermis is kind of fascinating. She was "hurt" when she saw a clip of Sweet P saying that she was glad Carmen got cut and not her. She actually wells up with tears. Sweet P is stunned, naturally. Is there a human being alive who wouldn't think to themselves or even say out loud, "Glad it was you and not me?" What I love most about this moment is that Sweet P doesn't run down to comfort Carmen. Kit and Jillian do, though, holding her through the pain, dispensing warm, loving words. Later in the show, Heidi will mention Carmen's botched menswear challenge moment. "Thanks, Heidi," Carmen snaps, rolling her eyes. Seriously, dude, grow a pair.

Kit -- She looks great as usual. She's wearing some crazy white gloves. And that's more or less all there is to say about Kit. I can't even wish that I hoped she'd be less stable or more full of wacky TV attitude like Christian, because she's clearly the kind of really nice girl you'd just be comfortable hanging out with and listening to "Spiderwebs" on KROQ's "'90s Lunch Jam Listen-at-Work Hour" over some Taco Bell gorditas. And then you'd go record shopping and she'd go, "Hey, have you heard New Young Pony Club?" and you'd go, "Yeah, but they're nowhere near as good as the Gossip."

Steven -- In a constant state of bemusement. My husband/partner/whatever has a fascination with extremely pale men. I don't know why. I'm not creeped out by it or anything. But he does. So he has this small crush on Steven. I don't share that predilection. And I don't share any brain space with memory of a single thing about Steven from this season. That he also remains fairly quiet during this episode isn't helping me out at all.

Jack -- Have you noticed how MRSA is like every gay's favorite joke now? This is Jack's legacy. He helped the entire fag world become even more confused about what this bacteria even does and how you get it. Shit is terrifying, actually. My current understanding is that if you don't put your finger up your nose, then you're 100% protected from it for all time. Actually, I'm just talking shit now. See? It's one of my favorite jokes too. Everybody wants to know if he's coming back next season. He says he doesn't know. OF COURSE HE HAS TO COME BACK. Heidi Klum can just will it to be so if she likes. She owns the whole enterprise. She's the Darth Vader. Her words, her harsh guttural German words, can make it so. So do it, Heidi Klum. Bring back Jack. Look how gay he is. What is this show without that level of gay? Like he could be in the Olympics if they had them for being gay.

Kevin -- Speaking of gay, we get a montage of lone hetero Kevin's gayest off-camera moments. He's got the whole fag-stag thing down to a science, which is kind of adorable. Like his chest. Wait, sorry, I just got distracted by the insert shot of him shirtless and getting out of bed. Cut to gays in the cast flirting with him and him flirting back. I have this uneasy feeling I'd be that kind of obvious Queer as Folk innuendo-gay if I were around him for very long. I even finally forgive him for the shitty sculpted beard. I guess he's my Steven. But if I ever see him around Los Angeles I'm just gonna be like, "Hey, 'sup?" and walk on like I'm cool.

Sweet P -- Sweet P, on the other hand, I may not be able to resist the urge to hug like a frightening stalker. I'm actually shocked and upset when she doesn't win the fan favorite award and the $10,000 check. She talks about how a few celebrities have come up to her and told her that they loved her. Jack Black. Catherine Keener. That doesn't surprise me. I've never been on a reality show and Catherine Keener accosted me once. True story. Briefly, I was at this media event and she was there and this weirdo crasher showed up at the thing. Naturally, I became involved in a lunatic conversation with the crasher for a few minutes and then went to tell some friends about the guy. C.K. happened to be standing near the friends I told and she gleefully inserted herself into the conversation, saying, "Hi, I'm Catherine. I love shit like this! Let's get a picture with him!" So pretty much she's the best celebrity ever.

Elisa -- Cooler and weirder than everyone. We get a clip montage of her cool weirdness. She goes off on this thing where she says she can make a couture pinata. Or a pinata that's also a hat. Or a bra that's a pinata and a heat-resistant space suit. Something about a pinata. OK, Heidi Klum, what about this? Elisa and Sweet P get their own show? You figure out what it will be about. I'll watch it. Then we see Elisa writing backward in her journal. Like she taught herself how to do it when she was young and then decided to carry it on into adulthood. For me, this is just another point of light. Then she tells Heidi that "runway" backward is "yawnur." Amen to that, sister.

Christian -- We're treated to a montage of Christian saying "fierce." Because they haven't beaten that horse into an unrecognizable pulp yet. Why no Jack giving him a piggyback? WHY NO TOTE BAG?!

Then he gets Sweet P's check, presented to him by last season's fan favorite, Michael Knight. He used his to develop his own fragrance.

His own fragrance.

FTW?

Subtracting one $6,500 Balenciaga scarf from that, then taking out the tax he'll owe, that'll leave Christian enough for a nice child-size racing-car-shaped bed from Ikea.

Jillian -- Really turned out to be way more talented than I ever imagined after that first cloying curtsy. They rehash the Twizzlers dress and all of her sighing. DID YOU KNOW THAT SHE HAD TO UNWRAP THEM ALL BY HAND? ALSO DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY BROKE WHEN SHE TRIED TO SEW THEM? OH, IT WAS SO HARD. THEN THERE WERE THOSE SHARP NEEDLES. OW! POKEY IN MY WIDDLE THUMB! Still, though, I have a soft spot for her that I don't even know if she deserves.

Rami -- We're shown a woefully ill-conceived wrestling diva montage where the final five go through their wrestling names and techniques. "Ferocia Coutura" and whatnot. Rami's involves -- no lie -- draping his wrestling outfit. He even fantasizes about it. That's like Ricky fantasizing about weeping.

Ricky -- Ricky's wearing a new hat just for the reunion show. Fuck your hat, man. Next we see a crying montage. Because that's so fierce. I got nothing left for you, man. Go make Heidi a nightie. Hey, that rhymed.

Chris -- Everyone takes a turn at mimicking Chris's foghorn laugh. Even Heidi. I'd mock him more for this too if it weren't for the fact that I've been known to laugh in a loud, distinctive manner myself. I'd be kind of a hypocrite if I goofed on it, wouldn't I?

My husband/partner/whatever mimics my laugh with some frequency, affecting a greatly exaggerated Texas drawl and saying, "Ahhm Dave Wahht and that kitten just got itself run over bah a truck and HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!"

He thinks he's so funny.

This leads to another laughing montage, only it's of Kors losing his shit during the wrestling diva costume challenge. He starts laughing and can't stop. This is how desperate the show is for interesting content this season. An outtake of Michael Kors giggling is considered a big reveal.

Victorya -- Says barely a word the entire show. When the camera cuts to her she seems visibly annoyed. Spends the episode sewing a death ray to eliminate everyone who dares cross her path. Heidi and Tim call her "uptight" to her face. This is the show's punishment for her having the nerve to get eliminated and still show during Fashion Week all by herself. If you ever see her driving your way in a Saturn, I recommend getting out of the way.