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Editor’s Letter: Tips for Visiting a Pious Little Nation

m breen

From the June/July 2016 issue, an invitation to visit the independent theocracy of North Carolina.

From the sanctuary-office of Holy Emperor Pat McCrory, we welcome you to the free and independent nation of North Carolina! (No longer formally affiliated with the United States of Unholiness.)

No passports are required for entry; just get on your knees and pray convincingly to Jesus Christ at any border crossing in The Wall (a Trump Co. product), and one of our Christian Border Soldiers will brand your palm with our distinctive Thumbs-Up Jesus(tm) symbol, identifying you as a true believin' traveler.

We do encourage you to spend your money on your visit to our pious little nation, but don't you try that PayPal stuff on us, no sir. Since 2018, like our sister empire of Mississippi, the official currency of North Carolina has been the Russian ruble--thanks to special trade agreements launched by Vlad ("The Homo Slayer") Putin. Rubles are great, and so colorful! But not in a rainbow-y kind of way.

Wednesdays through Sundays are Christians-only days at all state-sanctioned restaurants, gas stations, bakeries, photography studios, and movie theaters. But if you're one of our kind of people, check out our wide array of state-approved G- and PG-rated films such as VeggieTales and Heaven Is for Real at the local Kirk Cameron Multiplex.

Some convenience stores do allow Jews and atheists to shop without ID -- but ladies, no hijabs, niqabs, burqas, or chadors. Ever. We know what that means! Hair spray, however, is encouraged. The higher the hair...

Enjoy some of the finest in Christian contemporary music and laughs on your visit! Discotheques and comedy clubs are monitored by volunteer informants from the Ministry of Orthodoxy* who keep an ear out for any non-hetero humor and blasphemous music -- for your comfort! As with all public areas, women must wear skirts, and no more than two vertical inches of panty hose below the knee may be displayed. For your comfort!

And every day is bring-your-own-ball -- and team -- day at any of our former NBA and NFL venues. They're usually empty and open for your amusement.

The removal of federal dollars by the American Apostate from schools, highways, and health in 2017 triggered one of our most significant changes in our imperial growth -- for the better! Dirt roads, compulsory Bible study, and pray-the-diabetes-away programs are all funded and maintained by your generous tithes. And please tithe generously! Embargoes by the United States of Big Government and the "voluntary" removal of Deutsche Bank, PayPal, Ben & Jerry's, Etsy, Patagonia, big concert performances, and business conventions mean that quite a number of our non-deported residents can use your charitable assistance (and no, it's not a social safety net!).

Please note that all official bathrooms require a Ministry of Appropriate Gender and Sexual Expression-sanctioned Pious Proof of Gender ID card, so be sure to register for one before your trip. It's a simple process: your pastor (or priest; N.C. still allows Catholics -- for now! No Unitarians, please) will inspect your genitals and mode of dress, hair, and makeup (no bronzer, gentlemen), and compare them with your original long-form birth certificate. Once your card is embossed with a cross, you're free to pee! No PPGID card? Well, there's lots of nice forested areas across our little country.

*Recently renamed from the Ministry of Culture when American homosexual musical theater, heretical art, and anti-patriotic rock music "boycotted" our holy lands.

MATTHEW BREEN is editor in chief of The Advocate. He tweets at @matbreen.

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