Cheer up,
Reverend Ted

Dear Reverend Ted Haggard,

I think I speak for a lot of folks when I say, wow--this just wasn't your year. It's one thing to be outed as gay, but to be outed as an adulterous, evangelical, rent boy-soliciting meth head? That's gotta smart. You've fallen from grace. Your own church has chucked you faster than a carton of sour milk. No more weekly conference calls to Dubya. This would be my cue to dance a jig, but I'm not one to kick a queen when she's down. Your situation reeks of self-hatred. I'm no stranger to religious baggage myself--I was raised Filipino Catholic. That's why I'd like to help with damage control. I doubt you'd be open to ideas from the likes of me, but at this point what have you got to lose? Here are a few suggestions for turning things around.

1. Go for it. Come out, but for real this time. Wrap yourself in the flag and proudly declare yourself a Gay American. Stop referring to your sexuality as something "so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life." That kind of talk went out with shoulder pads and shock treatments. This is your media moment, your chance to move the culture forward. Seize it and watch your misfortunes reverse. I see book tours, lucrative speaking engagements, gay cruises, an hour on Oprah, and an Oscar-nominated film starring Kevin Spacey. As the former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, with its purported 30 million members, you have an enormous opportunity to change hearts and minds. These people have been seeking your spiritual guidance for years; now show them the truth by living it. Repulsive and dark is as repulsive and dark does.

2. Get out of Colorado Springs. Spend a year living in a gay neighborhood. And not just any gayborhood; I'm talking the Castro, Provincetown, "Helsea," West Hollywood. You've been spewing homophobic bile because you've never met a gay person you didn't order from a phone book. Maybe if you spent time with real live homosexuals, you'd find that our concerns aren't so different from those of the folks back home. We all want the same things. The only difference is, we're gay, so we want nicer things. FYI: the condos on Robertson directly above Santa Monica Boulevard? They're darling.

3. Get a real boyfriend. We're only as shameful as our secrets. Mike Jones is hot, but stepping out on a wife and five kids for a hooker is no way to build a healthy self-image. Grow a pair, own up to who you really are, and maybe everyone will eventually end up as friends. Sure, it might take years of counseling and medication, but that's everyone's story. The fall. Redemption. Grace. Forgiveness. I remember reading something about that in a book somewhere.