The Upside of Open Relationships

As a gay male who experimented with the concept of open relationships at an early age, I can honestly say that I have evolved towards the desire for a more spiritual, singular connection with the one I'm with. At age 38, I am more in tune with the concept of expressing my love for someone through sexual experiences. It's true what they say: when you are really into someone - I mean really into them, and you know that these feelings are reciprocated, the sexual experience is far more elevated and meaningful than a one night stand or even a part time "F" buddy. For me, the emotions and the physical expression go hand in hand. Leave the carnal f*ing for the animal kingdom: driven more by biological impulses rather than a desire to express true love. Consider me a happily evolved yet hopeful romantic.

556 gay couples were studied in sanfran. I don't think this study is very accurate. I never want an open relationship... because I would have to say, Hi, Johnny what STD's did you bring home today. Plus I don't share my partner with anyone. Touch my partner and we got a fight. maybe they should have put me in the study.

what i used to condemn, i've grown very interested in. although it would never work for me, the thought of an open relationship does work for a great number of couples. what i've settled into is an appreciation for what works for each individual relationship. but the key is it works...once it stops working, whether that's an open or exclusive relationship, then own up to the fact that it's over. you either move on or work it out. neither answer is right for every relationship out there, you have to find what's right and give it a shot. part of doing that is the growing process and you either succeed at growing together or you grow apart. in which case, it solves itself.

The only problem with open relationships is that, more often than not, the "rules" aren't followed. One guy will develop an emotional attachment with one of his tricks and the so-called open relationship is no longer even a relationship, just a living arrangement and an unhappy one at that. While I don't endorse strict monogamy since everyone has to find their own way in this life, the open relationships of couples I've known are far from peachy. To each his own.

I am absolutely amazed by the judgmental people on here. Again, WHO GIVES A FUCK IF YOU ARE MONOGOMOUS OR NOT? If that sounds defensive...it is. To suggest that open relationships do not work or that the participants are some how not in love is ridiculous unless your concept of love is some smothering, in-your-face co-dependant thing. It saddens me that so many gay people seem to think that the way to liberation in this society is to "sanitize" the community and make us acceptable to heterosexual America. How myopic and petty. I did not go through all of these years as an out gay man to become Ozzie and Harriet. Pitiful, just plain pitiful that some of you feel the need to judge and demonize your own kind because of CHOICES made in the privacy of our relationships. Probably the same people that say hide the drag queens and leather bois, we want to be just like heterosexuals when we grow up, maybe then they will like us. Idiots!!!!

ROGER BURR Fact is that not unlike interclass, interfaith & interracial relationships, long term homosexual relationships do not have same frequency or longevity as intraclass, intrafaith & intraracial relationships. That is NOT an argument against interclass, interfaith, interracial or same sex marriage. It is to say that argument in favor of same sex marriage should not be based on a notion that homosexual relationships have same frequency or longevity as heterosexual relationships. Social science statistics evidence homosexual relationships do not have same frequency & longevity as heterosexual relationships and there are some very good reasons (explanations) for that. Proponents of SSM should argue the fundamental right of consenting adults (including polyamorous ones) to marry -- regardless of frequency or longevity of other than heterosexual relationships. But much like true monogamous or uncoerced open relationships, that would require too much honesty.

PETER S JONES I was at Stonewall. There are some in the Gay and Lesbian community who contend that the only difference between Gays & Straights is "what we do in bed." That position seems particularly close held by those who seek social approval and legal recognition of same sex relationships. Perhaps that is true for some Gays and Lesbians, but I agree with you that it is certainly not true for all of us. The problem is that proponents of Same Sex Marriage fear that if the truth be told that we might not be able to secure the marriage franchise. Thus, they would rather be disingenous about many of our relationships in order to achieve legitimacy than be honest about even if it meant we might encounter more difficulty in achieving the desired result.

DALE SMITH I agree with you. Though I am monogamous by preference, I have no unalterable objection to so-called "open" relationships for others. But these studies do not appear to have interviewed couples who were unhappy in open relationships. Biologically, men appear to be polygamous by nature. But marriage as a legal institution was designed primarily for support of women & protection of children. Fact that some couples are infertile, not all couples desire children and others may get married beyond childbearing years does not change that fact. The difference between the basis for the legal institution and a desire to have one's relationship legally recognized and socially approved seems to get lost in the shuffle (so to speak). Like most proponents of "open" relationships, the author does not appear to endorse the legal recognition of polyamorous which is to say polygamous marriages! If open relationships are so beautiful, why not inform one's family about them?

ASHLEY Your feelings are totally understandable. Some people know from the start that another person is the right one for them -- regardless of prior emotional or sexual relationship experience. Others do not and there is nothing with wrong in that. But in your case it would appear that on account of your inexperience, you really don't know if she is the only one for you. If she was for sure, then you would not feel suffocated by being in a relationship with her. Separate from your girlfriend to get more experience. Then and only then will you know if she really is the only one for you.

DANA I tend to agree with you. I consider myelf to be Gay identified bisexual and was active in Bi movement. My greatest love remains friend 20 years later. He had wanted to have me his male partner and female partner at same time. I warned him in advance that I believed myself monogamous and did not think that this would work out. We tried it and I did not like it. Unbeknownst to me, he was pursuing me for many years thereafter. Though we still love one another, I am no longer attracted to him in the way I was at one time. While we are both the love of one another's lives, it would appear too late to "go homO again." I have no philosophical objection to "open" relationships. But they often appear to satisfy the needs of one partner who loves the other less at the expense of the the other who loves the one more. The other puts up with it so as not to lose the one. Alternatively, they enable the two to act in a lying way without technically being guilty of cheating.