Gaysayer's Jaded Hearts Club 

Valentine’s Day can feel like a knife in the hearts of single people. The thought of entwined lovers filling the streets is enough to make you want to treat yourself to an entire pizza, bunker down underneath the covers and sob into your body pillow for the next 24 hours. To help you cope, we’ve asked some of our @Gaysayer comedians to share their insecure tales of romance and regret.

How Do You Keep The Romance Alive? 

“My dildo and I mix it up occasionally and invite people
over.”
— Jami
Smith, @jamismithcomic  

“I try to poop at work whenever possible.”
— Brian
Raimondo, @mursebrianrn 

“I pretend I'm Newt Gingrich and my wife has cancer and
they're my hot, understanding mistress (or mistrer).”
— Travon Free,
@travonfree 

“Cialis in his cereal.”
— Darienne
Lake, @dariennelake 

“Keep paying the 4.95 per minute.”
— Jack
Mackenroth, @jackmackenroth 

“Like anything else on life support: paying thousands of
dollars to keep something alive that should be dead.”
— Chris
Hooker, @wordsofahooker 

“By installing a carbon monoxide detector in the basement
your boyfriend is locked in. And don't forget to feed him!”
— Pete Beat,
@petebeat 

“By not choking him out. Oh and Sade.”
— Justin
Martindale, @justmartindale 

“By covering my naked body in chocolate so when he gets home
and screams ‘Who are you get the fuck out of my house,’ I'll have something to
eat for the drive home.”
— Zackary Ross, @zackblows 

“Pregnancy scares. It makes my wife feel virile.”
— Laughing
Lesbian, @laughinglesbian 

“We have an open relationship with produce.”
— Alison
Egert, @alisonisfunny