Becoming a Gay Exorcist for Beginners

I know, I know, breaking David Letterman news and all that. And as really incredibly shocking as it is when powerful people use their muscle to get tons of sex from their own employees, I can't see how it helps anyone to arrest the guy who tried to blackmail Dave. (The anti-Dave/pro-cash schemer threatened to write a book and screenplay about all of Letterman's sex ways: Apparently D.L. did it on the DL with lots of ladies at the office, sort of like on Mad Men, which is a really great show you should be watching.) All that nefarious person wanted was a piece of the Hollywood lifestyle where you get your book and movie going together simultaneously, taking your brand to that next level. I know that technically it's a crime and all, but what is the real ethical dilemma in wanting to participate in multilevel marketing of true stories about nerdy gap-tooth sex? Maybe I've just lived in Los Angeles for too long, but I'd totally watch that movie.

Also, it would have been a lot cooler if Letterman had just sent the gay exorcists over to visit the alleged blackmailer.

It's been several days now so you probably know about the gay exorcists already, but just in case you don't, there are these people who will now give you an exorcism to get the homosexuality out of you. So I guess that makes them less "gay exorcists" than exorcists who focus on specific issues of gayosity. Casting out demonic greed spirits from the guys who run Goldman Sachs just isn't as interesting to these particular exorcisers. Anyway, they were on Tyra.

And yes, I am also aware that I've alluded to personal oaths made here in this column to stop covering so much crap daytime TV, to purge my TiVo to-do list of superfluous, empty-headed shit and focus solely on truly educational shows about climate change and new planets and other science facts, but I haven't mustered up the courage for that just yet. And when something so gobsmackingly, awesomely, wrongly, stupidly incredible as the gay exorcists on Tyra comes along, I really have no choice in the matter.

No jury would convict me of caring too much.

You might remember the YouTube clips of the people performing an exorcism on a 16-year-old boy to make him stop having homosexual desires. Well, those got taken down (and who knows, maybe reposted over and over, I haven't checked lately) by a gay teen advocacy group called True Colors. And I think that's a good thing. No kid needs that kind of shit following him or her around on the Internet. It's a hellish enough world out there for a lot of homo teens trapped in cartoonishly superstitious, scare-the-holy-fucking-shit-out-of-you churches (i.e., pretty much all of them, with few exceptions) where the fear of Satan is pounded into their heads.

But now you can watch selected moments from that video on the CW because Tyra had both of the exorcists and a right-on, takin'-no-bullshit lady from True Colors named Kamora on her show.

Here's what I learned about being a gay exorcist, straight from the mouths of the gay exorcists, should I ever decide to give up my desire to bone dudes and start Los Angeles's first fag-ghostbusting business.

1. You can make people vomit up their gayness. The method is somewhat unclear, but if you are a badass enough exorcist, your client is going to puke at some point in the process.

2. You have to be a "prophet." Also a "seer," a "dreamer," and a "visionary." You'll need "open-eye vision" AND "closed-eye vision." I don't know what the fuck any of those things are, but I figure I can just go to the hippie-ass New Age bookstore down on Melrose and read about it over the course of a lunch hour. Then I'll be certified to vacuum out my first gay abortion.

3. To advertise your service, you'll need to remind people about your "spirit of discernment." Tyra called this one when she said, "OK, that's just having 'gaydar.'" But it sounds more official when you church it up.

4. After you do your first gay exorcism, walk around announcing "HE HAS BEEN DELIVERED!" to whomever will listen. -- Tyra, if you're lucky enough to get booked. If, in fact, the exorcised person has not quite yet been delivered from the demon, remind the client that they are still going to Hell. Sorry, thems just the facts of exorcism.

5. Remind people how much love you have inside yourself and tell everyone about how you have gay friends. When someone asks if you actually hang out with these gay friends, keep the brand tight, lie if you have to, and say, "Yes, Tyra, I do!" If these particular gay exorcists had been a little more on their game they would have said that instead of the definitive response they did give, which was, "No. And I don't hang out with adulterers, drunkards, and fornicators, either."

6. Keep yourself off of syndicated TV shows where this Kamora person is on the couch with you because she will cut you down to the quick and make sure the whole world knows that you are, in actuality, destroying the souls of children with your loony Bible-thwacking antics. This will cut into your business and keep clients away. Most business-ruining, though, will be when the show's host asks Kamora if she thinks gay exorcisms make you straight, because that's when Kamora will snap back, missing no beats, "Do YOU?" Then she will give you that I-was-raised-in-the-Bronx-or-some-other-tough-ass-place tilt of the head that basically means, "Don't fuck with me. I'm right." Staying away from Kamora is essential if you want this scam -- sorry, legitimate spiritual enterprise -- to work.

Now, think about this. Why would you want to send the boring old police to your blackmailer when you could really mess with their minds by sending some exorcists? And because Letterman is on CBS and Tyra is on the CW (think NBC and Bravo), there could be tie-in episodes, an ongoing "What will those nutty exorcists do next?" series, mugs, T-shirts, all kinds of fun merch. So much corporate synergy it'd make your head spin. Like maybe 360 degrees.