How a creative writing class stood between me and despair

I'm a transgender woman who medically transitioned while on active duty service. But when I logged onto my Veterans Affairs (VA) profile, I found that I'm now marked as "male" in my medical records.

I've gone through worse. I served for 20 years in the Army, first as a repairer on Apache helicopters and then as an Army X-ray technician. While deployed to Afghanistan in 2005, my wife was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 12 months after I got home. I became a single parent to our two children.

I was always open about my identity with my family. In 2016, when President Obama announced that transgender members of the military were allowed to serve openly, I came out to the military. This freedom only lasted a year when President Trump reversed this policy.

To make matters worse, I was assigned to a base in Missouri, where many people did not welcome me. Fellow soldiers frequently told me, "Don't go to this part of town. They'll kill you." One day, someone stood in my driveway and shot into my car. My kids were inside the house and witnessed all of it. It was the most terrifying moment of my life.

I found comfort in this moment of hostility through Community Building Art Works (CBAW), an arts organization for service members based out of Walter Reed Medical Center that had recently gone online. I joined their program, More Than One Story, which helps female and nonbinary veterans process and share their stories through writing and art workshops.

CBAW was one of the first organizations to welcome me into their community. They didn't do it because a presidential order or government policy said they had to be inclusive. They did it because a few brave people understood that there is no worse feeling than feeling completely alone. During a time when I had to hide who I was both at work and in my community, they said, "We want you here. We're glad you're here."

In 2021, the Military Women's Memorial invited our creative writing group to Arlington, Virginia, where we performed a collaborative poem. Not only was it a "pinch me" moment, as a transgender woman, to be honored at a Women's Memorial, but it was also the first time I would meet the women from the group in person. I was the last to arrive. Until the day I die, I will remember walking into the "green room" at the Memorial in my service dress uniform.

Every single person in the room stood up and applauded me.

Right now, programs like More Than One Story are essential, as transgender individuals face an unprecedented wave of hate and discrimination. Transgender men and women can have all the representation and support in the world in movies and media, but what matters the most is having someone tell you person-to-person: "Your story matters. You're important. And you're not alone."

It's especially vital for transgender veterans, who are seven times more likely than U.S. civilians to attempt suicide during their lifetime.

Research has proven that artistic expression can be a powerful deterrent to suicide. One recent study found that a third of participants in the CBAW program had considered suicide just one month before joining – but after being in the program, ideation was reduced by a staggering 89%.

Inevitably, many programs that serve transgender individuals will lose their government funding over the next four years. It's a tragedy. Loneliness is one of the leading risk factors associated with veteran suicide attempts – especially for LGBTQ+ veterans. Programs that combat these feelings of loneliness through the arts and other unconventional ways are lifelines.

The freedom to be who you are is incredibly powerful. I was fortunate enough to have that freedom for a brief period in my military service. So many who are serving right now don't. That ongoing freedom is under dire threat for those serving openly and for those enrolled with the VA. I'm so afraid that bigotry and loneliness will push them to the edge, and no one will be there to save them.

They can't speak up, but I can.

Alleria Stanley is a retired United States Army servicemember, advocate, and member of the LGBTQ+ community. She is a board member of Transgender American Veterans Association.

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