Conservatives off the deep end

To sane people
from other countries, it must seem that some Americans,
specifically social conservatives, have gone completely
mental. Right-wingers and family values vultures,
newly drunk with power, are reaching a level of
hypocritical hysteria that makes the Janet Jackson
breast brouhaha seem like a tempest in a C cup. The same
people who see the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese
sandwich are suddenly seeing threatening gay images
everywhere. The hits just keep on coming, as absurd as
Monty Python but not as entertaining. Surely you’ve read of this madness.
Buster, the animated rabbit from PBS’s
Postcards From Buster, was taken to task by the
new secretary of Education for having the nerve to show a
legally united Vermont family headed by lesbians who
were as normal as a family with two June Cleavers and
no Ward can get. Even the sight of Good Housekeeping
Seal of Approval gays are potentially too much to bear for
American children, and the secretary, apparently
unconcerned with such issues as education, took a cue
from boss George W. and made a preemptive strike,
threatening federal funding for Buster’s show. Having historically shown no respect for the
privacy of the bedroom, now the far right isattacking
the privacy of one’s pineapple. In his latest
attempt to get laughed off the world stage, James Dobson of
Focus on the Family decreed that SpongeBob SquarePants
is sending out subliminal gay messages to unsuspecting
toddlers. (If Dobson wants to go after a gay sponge,
why not David Gest?) The Family Research Council has
on its payroll, I’m not kidding, a
“homosexuality detection expert,” whose
duties include informing us that words like
“tolerance” and “diversity” are
part of a “coded language that is regularly
used by the homosexual community” as well as
alerting families to potential gays in the midst. What a dream job--Gaydar to Go. I picture a Miss
Gulch type roaming the aisles of churches and schools,
armed with a crooked stick that violently shakes
whenever a teenage closet case is near. Maybe Dick Cheney
should have hired her years ago. These cases, while hilariously aggravating, are
nonetheless predictable. Every so often homophobia and
paranoia makes people go TILT. What wasn’t as
predictable was the over-the-top level of selective,
naked hypocrisy on display. Alan Keyes--one of the most
sanctimonious politicians in history, whose entire
presidential campaign was based on “moral
values”--was revealed to have a gay daughter, and
responded by using his moral values to kick her out of the
house and withhold her college tuition. What do his
fellow conservatives have to say? Nothing--other than
that it’s a private matter. Rather than act as
(desperately needed) positive role models for parents of
gays nationwide, Dick and Lynne Cheney, vocal on all
other issues known to man, are completely silent about
their gay daughter--her sexuality being “private.” The wildest disconnect between what they say and
what they do is occurring with the “Jeff
Gannon” scandal. In this case, a fake reporter
who used an alias, on behalf of a fake news organization
that was nothing but a Republican propaganda outlet, had a
White House press clearance endowed by the Secret
Service and used it to regularly ask the president
softball questions. Big surprise, right? But
here’s the real surprise: He was also allegedly a
$200-an-hour (or $1,200-a-weekend) hustler, complete
with X-rated Web photos revealing just how endowed he
is. (I downloaded them all.) What do his fellow
conservatives have to say? Nothing--as “Jeff”
himself said in a CNN interview,
“mistakes” in his past are “of a very
personal and private nature.” There’s nothing out of the ordinary about
a biased reporter. There’s not even anything
strange about a fake reporter spreading White House
propaganda. But now conservatives such as Ann Coulter, who
knows a propaganda-spreading fake-reporter whore when she
sees one, are rushing to the defense of
“Jeff,” saying that hypocritical
liberals are going after him simply because he’s gay.
Say what? No, they’re going after him because
he was apparently a gay male prostitute (who described
himself as a “verbal top” into
domination scenes for $200)...with a White House press
clearance...who has written antigay articles.
I’m all for verbal tops, but not that verbal. “Jeff” has launched a new, G-rated
Web site (www.jeffgannon.com) defending himself and
his “rock-solid” values while refusing
to comment on his “personal life.” Man,
it’s not your personal life, it’s your
professional life. You’re a hustler
spread-eagle online with a woody for any kid to see
after they watch SpongeBob. Have conservatives suddenly
taken “don’t ask, don’t
tell” to an absurd extreme? Are they strong on
terrorists but soft on gay hookers? In that case, excuse
me while I check the pullout section of my local gay mag for
them to recruit. Though if the White House is
condoning gay hookers, it’s a step in the right
erection at least. You would expect James Dobson, Alan Keyes, or
any of the other moral watchdogs to go ballistic over
this guy. There has to be a logical reason why a call
boy with online money shots and a White House
clearance gets a fraction of the attention as
SpongeBob or Buster the rabbit, but one can’t
expect logic with these guys. Maybe “Jeff” is
on call to William Bennett, who not only was revealed as a
gambling addict but also allegedly hired a (female,
albeit rather muscular) Vegas dominatrix. Hey,
“Jeff” is a ex-marine--maybe he has a
boyfriend on the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Whatever the case, homosexuality is, evidently,
a “private” concern if you’re a
conservative Republican in lockstep with the Bush
Brigade who dutifully stays in the closet, but not if
you’re a Democrat, a lesbian from Vermont, an
out gay American, a soldier, or a sponge. And it
doesn’t matter if you’re a whore; it just
matters whose whore you are.

TILT!